Crushing guilt

everything you are feeling makes sense to me. it is a really hard situation. you did not choose to be gay, and you certainly did not choose your wife's reaction. you can't change the fact that you are gay. have you asked her what she wants? does she want to stay married even knowing that you are gay and won't change? it sounds like she feels like her whole world has been torn apart, and in a way it has been. You're probably right about sleeping over being a mistake, for both of you. but reaching out to her in friendship and love seems like a good thing. as far as dragging out the decision to file the divorce papers, I don't know what to tell you. hopefully someone else will chime in with their thoughts. but I would have the same struggle, I'm sure. In fact, I did. I filed divorce papers, and when I saw what it was doing to her, I pulled them. was that a good decision? definitely not. so I guess maybe that is one bit of experience that I can share with you. because it has left me in a frustrating, sexless marriage (well, I'm grateful that it is sexless, but not so happy that we're still together in a pseudo marriage). I know I'm kind of rambling, and I don't know if any of that is helpful, but I just wanted to at least tell you that I understand, and really hope that you get some clarity on what, and WHEN, to do next.

 

I've been through something similar once, with stakes not as high, no marriage involved, but there was a rather precious long relationship on the line.

No matter how guilty you might feel, no matter how much it hurts you having to do this to her - You need to make this call, you need to move on and give yourself the opportunity to be your true self.

Anything else is would be a lie. To yourself, to her, to everyone involved.
In that relationship where I was in the same situation, I've lived in a lie too long, telling myself there would be some way to work it out. But there wasn't.

Don't wait any longer. It only makes it worse. All of it.
Get out of there. Get away. She needs to deal with this on her own terms.
You can't help her and you being there will only make it harder and worse. For both of you.

If both of you ever completely heal, there is enough room and time for friendship.
Right now... is not the time. Not in my experience.

Be brave, and do the right thing. Even if it hurts.
You need to, for both your sakes.
And if you do, you will eventually stop feeling that guilt.

One should never feel guilty for who he is.
You can only be honest with yourself and those you're involved with.

Have a hug... you deserve it. (*hug*)

 

It was painful for both my ex and myself. But I stuck to my conviction and the decision that I made with the belief it was the right decision for the both of us. It was difficult for sure. But as a racing horse with blinders on galloping to the finish line, I did not let the either of our suffering interfere with what I know was right.

Time heals, and my ex will need more time than I will. She is doing well now. She is engaged with her friends, our children and her family. She has gotten through the difficult period and is now moving forward with her life.

There was a lot of days where I sat in bed wondering if I made the right decision, but I never backtracked. In the end, for both her and myself, things are working out.

 

I feel that i've in a way ruined my own life by not coming to this conclusion earlier. I can only imagine how much more difficult it would be with someone, who you love, also involved.
However, marriages break up for so many reasons. If you had fallen out of love with her or had met someone else, she would be going through this anyway. She is a young woman, and from what you've wrote here she will have no problem finding someone else(maybe not what you want to hear).

This may be the making of both of you.

“When the heart weeps for what it has lost, the spirit laughs for what it has found.” -Sufi Proverb

 

When the guilt feels so heavy that you think it may crush you, remember this: you are not responsible for ruining your wife's life. Yes, you're hurting her. And yes, you're leaving her. You're making those choices. But she is making the choice to react in the way that she is. She is ruining her own life.

I blamed my ex's alcoholism on my sexuality for years. But really, it's not my problem or my fault- it's his own doing, his choice. I have no reason to feel guilty for being who I am, & neither do you.

Take comfort in the fact that now, finally, you're doing the right thing. And if you're doing it out of a place of compassion & love-which it sounds like you are- you are doing the right thing.

 

I know how heavy a burden that guilt can be. In a way, it replaces the weight that's lifted when you come out of the closet. I believe that fully forgiving myself for the pain that coming out has caused my wife and kids is one of the most important things I need to do.

Yes it would be easier to forgive myself if she would forgive me, but I'm now realizing she may never get to that point, and I'll have to move past the guilt on my own.

It's a huge blow to your wife and it will take time for her to adjust. I think it's especially hard for both parties when the marriage had a lot of good in it and few problems beyond mismatched orientation. The best thing you can do is continue to treat her with compassion and respect.

 

nerdbrain, I have a similar situation. My wife, although dealing with it on the outside, still is struggling on the inside. I was her life, and she was mine. We have children which helps to keep her going and focus her life, and we are still in close contact every day to try and keep the friendship there. It's hard and I let her influence the flow of things. It's the least I can do to help her through all of this - and be there to support and keep them all safe.

I have often thought about how it could/would work if I tried to go back. The guilt I feel at times is overwhelming so I can relate to that only to well. I miss her as my wife, my best friend, the person who I confided in and she me, we were so close. But. There was something missing. There was always something missing and that was me feeling truly fulfilled in myself.

You have the option of trying to make it work. The difficulty I had, and still have, is that although I love her and hate seeing what I've done to her, when I'm with my bf it feels completely natural. Although I hate myself for what I've done to her and the change I've inflicted on my kids, the thought of NEVER holding my bf or kissing him or being with him (or if not him, then any man in the future) is just something that I now can't think of not having.

It's a horrible situation to be in. You either continue the hurt and anguish of the other person or you consign yourself to a life where you feel like things just don't 'fit' any more. It's one of the few times in my life where I've been truly selfish. Catastrophically so, though.

I'm not saying it's been easy. I still get tearful phone calls from my wife telling me she hates being on her own and misses have someone close to her. There is NOTHING that I can do about that other than what I currently do. It can't go back to what it was. So how do you move forward? Slowly. Just very slowly. Good luck. EC helps so much being able to get how you feel onto paper and get support from people who have gone through or are going through the exact same thing.

---------- Post added 7th Dec 2014 at 09:30 PM ----------

I completely agree. In many ways that was my marriage - we both just got along with one another and I kept the secret to myself. Until one day it all just boiled over and there was no way it was going to go back in the box.

Being honourable, supportive, respectful and caring - the things she probably believed that you were too - will help to reinforce the fact that you are still the same person regardless.

 

Hey NB,

I know it must be heartbreaking to endure so much pain, not only in your own soul but what is going on with her. You are both in mourning, both of you need to deal with something that seems insurmountable.

I can only counsel you that blame and guilt, although normal things to think about, are simply the wrong thing to think about. In this mindset, guilt and blame must imply perpetrator and victim...what if you are both nobler than that?

If you could see your lives in a sense, heroically, you gain access to what the ancient Greeks knew long ago: that doing the right thing very often leads to tragedy. This is the main theme of almost all Greek tragedy, heroic people who are better than they are in real life, doing difficult things because it is the right thing to do.

No blame, no villain, just people caught up in forces beyond their control, and still, deciding to do the right thing, for a greater good (the heroic part of the deal).

 

Hi,

I am beginning to believe "adult" is an illusion, you could say it is a closet of its own.

 

Thank you for this. That really does make sense. I keep telling my sister that in her relationship with our mom. That it's my sisters choice how she deals with our mom.

It is my wifes choice how to react to this situation.

 

I may be in the minority here, but maybe you should hold off on filing the papers. I only say this because it's obvious you have feelings for her and care for her. It's not like someone who is certain they are gay and has lost ANY feelings for their spouse.

Maybe this is what separation is for. "Trial separation" some call it, and for a reason. I think its purpose is for each person to see how life is without the other, and give some space to deal with the issues under guidance of a therapist.

Just a thought.

 

did you say that she is willing to live with you even though you are gay? if so, what would that look like? living as brother and sister? or living as husband and wife, but you having the freedom to spend time with men. You identify yourself as bi (though you also said that you are probably gay), so I am wondering if you could perform with her, and if that would be enjoyable. It seems like despite your coming out to her, there still is a decent relationship between the two of you, considering the circumstances. All so difficult, a very difficult dilemma.

 

If you have no attraction to your wife, then divorce her so that the both of your can move on with you lives and find happiness with other people. If you have some attraction to your wife you will have to think about what you want out of the relationship and she needs to think about what she wants out of the relationship. If you choose to stay married, you will have to decide how this is going to work.

 

It's very difficult. It's now over a year since I told my wife that I had feelings for men. For months she just wanted me to stay and just carry on as we had done. But in admitting out loud for the first time in my life that I could/was gay, it was like something just snapped and couldn't be mended.

Today - I've been separated since February now and things are now legal - I still feel guilt, I still love her as a person. I hate the thought that I have hurt her. She is still the person I turn to and she turns to me. Do I want to be with her? There's a massive part of me that does. But. I know how I feel when my bf holds me. How sexually alive I feel when I'm we are intimate and how it just feels totally natural to be with him. I know that the way I feel about her - I have to think about being physically attracted to her. I don't look at her and feel sexual attraction any more - I did. I used to be the one to initiate things in bed but now it's just very different.

What I'm clumsily trying to say is this. Once you start down the road of admitting to yourself that you have these feelings, that they are real and so on - they won't go away. I managed for years just accepting that I felt like that, got off on gay porn and accepted that I had a wife and family and that was important. And then I met someone who, for the first time in my life, I completely clicked with and he with me (that's a whole other story though) and that was it. The realisation began to build until it just ate away at any resistance or illusion I had created that the feelings were just a fantasy or phase. It was so hard to deny it.

I really feel for you. There are days where I so regret what happened and how I have found myself in the life I have with my family and wife. But I know that I would never have resolved the feelings I had for guys, would have ended up feeling so much more discontented and uncomfortable with my life - looking longingly at guys I thought looked cute and wishing that I could experience them.

All I can do is remain honest, true and be there to support my family and keep them secure and safe - be close to my kids and be there for her as much as I can whilst living an honest life of my own. Keep talking here. I found it was a life saver.(&&&)

 

NB, you must keep pressing forwarding and focus on loving yourself. I can relate. I have been with my wife for 28 years and told her 2 years into our marriage that I felt I was bi. We have remained together and have kids. However, it did not minimize my feelings of being bi or even gay. I love her dearly and won't leave her because I love her, but am no longer attracted to her. That said, stay strong and push through.

 

It's not easy, but the one thing my wife and I have is an enduring friendship. There are definitely times that I question if I can continue, but I know I have to keep going. You have to steel yourself when life craps on you. Also, I have a deep belief that God can get you through anything if you believe.