1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Being out at workplace dilemma

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by titanV, Dec 7, 2014.

  1. titanV

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2014
    Messages:
    33
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    As I’m slowly coming out to people, I started contemplating if I should come out at work. I've already told one coworker (my best friend there), and plan on telling another one. Aside from these two, I don’t feel like I need, and frankly care to tell anyone else. But should I? On one hand, it's really none of anybody's business, but on the other I feel like it may help me to be truly out.

    I work in a corporate environment, and I've been there for many years. Because of my age and the fact that most people on my floor know that I'm single, either they assume I'm gay, or they think I'm just a shy loser without a girlfriend. To be honest, judging from the reaction of people I came out to, it might be the latter case for a bunch of them.

    My minor concern is that I will certainly be given the ‘gay guy’ label throughout the building (now that I think about it that shows how insecure I still feel about being gay), and my major concern is that I will be shunned, which is terrifying to me.

    I really don't know what to do about it. If I were to change jobs, I would want to be out in the new place (I think), but here I’m not so sure – maybe I've been too long in the closet while working for my current employer.

    Do you think that being totally out at your workplace helps with the overall coming out process? If you’re “out to everyone”, does that include your job?

    I appreciate your comments and advise.
     
  2. Austin

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2008
    Messages:
    3,172
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    Los Angeles, CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hmm, I don't really know how workplaces work, since I've only really ever done school in my life so far, but I feel in some ways its not really necessary to tell people at work. In other ways, it may be beneficial to let people know... I think being fully out means, if the topic comes up, you will say you're gay, but otherwise I don't think it means you have to go out and tell everyone. However, at work I'm sure there is some chat about personal lives with coworkers, so its likely that it may come up, in which case I may mention it if appropriate.
     
  3. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    There are a lot of factors that you should consider:

    1. Does your firm have policies that recognize rights and benefits for LGBT employees?
    2. What is the overall culture like and the chemistry between workers?
    3. What is your specific relationship with your peers like? How about the relationship with those you report to?
    4. Any specific evidence that someone whom is out might have a hard time?
    5. Do you have alternatives if coming out at work causes you to specifically need to change jobs (I say specifically need rather than perceived need intentionally)?

    I am out at work myself. When I came out, I decided, and it was important to me, that I was open to everyone. When I went to discuss my situation, I was prepared to put everything on the line. If I was going to lose my job, so be it, I was prepared for the consequences.

    Instead, my company embraced the fact that I came out and used it as a catalyst to advance their approach to working with LGBT employees. After I came out, others actually followed.

    Good luck!
     
  4. calgary

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 24, 2014
    Messages:
    118
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Calgary, Canada
    Hi Titan

    This has been a struggle of mine for a while now. I've kind of done the same things as you. I told my best friend there. I don't really think I should go around telling everyone but at the same time everyone seems to just assume I'm straight. I'm lucky that I work for a large organization that really works to create an inclusive environment. I've done a few thing to make it more apparent. We have an internal social media site and I follow a couple of pride thing. Other than that I'm not sure how to make the next step. If you socialize with people outside of work that seems to be where it usually comes up. I use to think that I would never come out at work but it does take a lot of energy to stay closeted when people talk about what they did on the weekend? I found it put distant between me and co workers as I wouldn't open up about personal information.

    Let me know how it goes
     
  5. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    In my case, I am not out at work and don't plan to be (I consider it none of their business), unless I were asked directly if I were gay, I would not lie...but who in their right mind would ever ask that question of anyone??

    But I can be a little cheeky...I always wear a small bejewelled stud in my pierced right ear, and last Friday night at the office X-mas party, they offered Karaoke, so I chose to sing "Lola", by the Kinks...:badgrin:
     
  6. OnTheHighway

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 9, 2014
    Messages:
    3,934
    Likes Received:
    632
    Location:
    Florida
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Definitely no secret then! Lola is a clear giveaway :slight_smile:
     
  7. looking for me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2014
    Messages:
    3,791
    Likes Received:
    869
    Location:
    on the Rock, Newfoundland and Labrador
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    for me, i'm working on coming out. it's been well documented here in EC, so when i'm able i don't plan on coming out at work as there are just too many homophobes here, however, if i am with a guy i won't hide him from here or anywhere.
     
  8. Hell2theno

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2014
    Messages:
    78
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Hampshire, England :)
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    If it feels right to, then full steam ahead. Maybe ask the friend you already came out to? :slight_smile: Good luck!
     
  9. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    first, you're right that you have no obligation to do so. You've told a couple people you must trust, and that is fine. If you just want to be more out at work as part of living an open and authentic life, then I suggest that you just "be" out rather than "come" out. By that I mean, look at how the straights do it. They don't announce to people that they are out, they just go about their life. Some put photos or their spouses or girlfriends or kids on their desk, some keep their private life more private. some talk about going kayaking with their girlfriend on the weekend, others don't. some bring their significant others to office social functions, other don't. I think that is a very viable way to be out as an openly gay person (if I ever were to be that out myself). but I think that taking the attitude that this is just the work place, and we come in here to work because they pay us, not because it is a better social experience than spending an evening at a gay bar, or in the arms of a loving man. am I making any sense? :confused:
     
  10. AKTodd

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2013
    Messages:
    3,190
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    Norfolk, VA
    I've been completely out at my last four employers (and to varying degrees at my previous jobs), all major corporations, three of them Fortune 500 companies, over the last 18yrs. At least two (including my current employer) have had explicit nondiscrimination policies while one had a more indirect policy. I'm not sure about the last one, but given that they had an openly gay senior VP, my being gay really wasn't a problem.

    I'm talking about being out to my boss, their boss (in a work situation in which I had interaction with them), my co-workers, etc. Given the size of the companies involved (thousands to over a hundred thousand), it's not practical to be out to 'everyone' but I certainly don't hide it. My partner (soon to be husband) has been covered by my benefits in two out of the four and since we're getting married later this month, all of my current co-workers know and have been supportive. He comes to team events (our Xmas dinner is this weekend) as a matter of course, co-workers as after him, etc.

    I do somewhat agree with the idea of just 'being out' rather than 'coming out', mainly because in my experience when you treat being gay as some sort of big deal that is a major announcement, you run the risk of treating it as a 'please, please, please accept me if its not too much trouble' situation. And I'm not in the business of asking for other people's approval on general principles.

    I've come out to lots of people, but I always treated it as a casual thing, about on a level with what kind of food I like or which sports team I'm a fan of (if I were actually a fan of any sports team, that is). I've also just talked about my partner and our lives in the same vein as any straight couple would. People seem to figure it out pretty fast.

    Todd
     
  11. Spaceman

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2013
    Messages:
    279
    Likes Received:
    31
    Location:
    USA
    Sure it's none of their business, but I see being out at work as important and desirable. I don't want to edit myself when making small talk about my weekend. I don't want to stress about bringing a boyfriend to company functions. I DO want more than a superficial connection with the people I work with every day. And I want to help break down the negative stereotypes that, sadly, still exist.

    I agree that casually mentioning it is better than a big dramatic announcement. I just started a new job and am not out at work yet as I get a better feel for the culture, but I look forward to the day that I am.
     
  12. Biotech49

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Mar 5, 2013
    Messages:
    380
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kansas - a.k.a. Brownbackistan
    When I first got hired at my current place of employment, I listened hard and read the material that was given to me before I signed a contract. It stated that there were same-sex partner benefits and a non-discrimination policy. Still, I didn't stay anything to anybody until my CEO (we have less than 20 employees) came by and mentioned something on a t-shirt I was wearing. I told him I was part of the LGBT community and he responded very favorably. I really hadn't said anything to anybody but found out that they knew anyway. I work in the scientific community which tends to be a bit more progressive and I have gotten no flack whatsoever for my orientation. I even had a long talk with a co-worker who asked me about my life story. He could not honestly understand how the person I used to be became the person I am today. He just shook his head and smiled and said he liked the person I am today because he would have really disliked who I used to be. Lol. Comforting. And so true. I like myself so much better now too.

    People probably know. Yes, it is none of their business, but if you are not the only person at work who identifies as LGBT, it may be beneficial for them to know they aren't alone. I know that is why many people "come out" anyway.
     
  13. Sapphy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2013
    Messages:
    164
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    England
    I think it depends entirely on the team of people you work with directly on a day to day basis. I have been in my current job since April and am still very much in the closet at work.

    Thankfully nobody has ever asked if I have a boyfriend so I haven't had that awkwardness. I like to bring certain topics up to gauge reactions from people, for instance a celebrity who has come out, to see how they react and what they say.

    I am slowly working on dropping things into conversation to suggest that I actually have a girlfriend as I'm not keen on the whole "I'm gay" speech personally. It's a difficult situation, and you have my sympathy. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. :slight_smile:
     
  14. OGS

    OGS
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2014
    Messages:
    2,716
    Likes Received:
    728
    Location:
    Chicago, IL
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I can't imagine not being out at work. I spend at least 40 hours out of every week there with my coworkers. I see most of them more than almost anyone else in my life--my partner being the only exception I can think of off the top of my head. I guess nothing about me is really their business--they're not entitled to know what I did over the weekend or whether I liked the last movie I saw. Frankly, nothing about me as an actual person is really their business. But what a drag would work be if we never shared any of that?

    I agree with just letting it come up. I haven't sat anyone down and told them I was gay since I did with my parents over 20 years ago. I just talk about my life and they figure it out. I've heard people say about this issue--well, it's not like we talk about our sex lives at work. I suppose that's true, I don't either. But being gay is no more your "sex life" than being straight is your coworkers' "sex life." And anyone who thinks that sort of thing doesn't come up at work just isn't listening. Take one day at work and really listen for when your coworkers identify themselves as straight--each time they mention finding someone attractive, each time they discuss a date or hookup, each time they mention their wife or husband. In every place I've ever worked it happened all the time. I remember based on a conversation on this board trying to keep track of it at my current job. I gave up after a couple hours because I was already approaching fifty times people "came out" to me as straight and realized keeping track of all of this was starting to interfere with actually getting my work done. It comes up--unless you decide not to let it. Don't hold it in and it will come out.

    As far as the whole being "the gay guy" thing it's never been the case for me--despite often being the only gay guy there. In my experience our sexuality is just not nearly as interesting to others as we tend to think it is. I remember when the last person to join our team at work found out. She was splitting her time between two offices and we had been there on different days. I'd had some vacation time, etc. and for whatever reason beyond basic introductions we just hadn't talked much--but she'd been there for weeks and I knew she had talked quite a bit with others. Well, she asked me what I was doing after work and I mentioned that my partner and I were going to a restaurant that he was very excited to try. There was sort of a long pause and she said--oh, I didn't realize you had a... (another long pause)... partner. That's when I realized she didn't know. I kind of figured someone would have mentioned it by then. But no one had. Everyone knows it's not a secret, but they also know that it's not a thing. And in my experience it generally isn't a thing unless we make it one.

    My advice would be to just be yourself--complete and unfiltered. Why wouldn't you?
     
  15. greatwhale

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 12, 2013
    Messages:
    6,582
    Likes Received:
    413
    Location:
    Montreal
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It also makes a difference whether one is single or partnered.

    I am not out at work, but, to follow what OGS said: if I had a partner, it would be another matter. I work in a very small firm (8 people) mostly middle-aged like me, and one fairly homophobic finance guy.

    Nevertheless, if I had a partner, I would not hesitate to mention him when discussing plans or events, I do not plan to self-censor anything, I've had quite enough of that.
     
  16. Choirboy

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,672
    Likes Received:
    427
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    The company I work for is the product of multiple mergers and acquisitions. The division that I'm part of was originally a separate, much smaller company that was very gay-friendly and had a gay/straight alliance and DP benefits. That changed when we were bought out, but we've gradually recovered most of that ground, and people are now very open. The co-workers in my department were the first people I came out to, and a number of them have known about my partner from the start of our relationship. I have a picture of us together at my desk, and they often ask about him. While I don't initiate conversations specifically about being gay anymore--I feel that I'm out to the co-workers who are important, and the rest can find out if the conversation or the rumor mill lets them know--I'm also not hiding anything. But I consider myself very lucky. Not everyone has it so well.
     
  17. GayDadStr8Marig

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jan 29, 2014
    Messages:
    513
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Wisconsin
    Earlier in the year when facing the prospects of coming out finally, and dealing with the aftermath of my coming out at home and the dissolution of my marriage, I had taken the position that coming out at work was largely irrelevant and I didn't intend to make it a point of sharing with coworkers.

    Then, a few weeks later, I felt compelled to at least let my direct managers know what was going on since I had been taking time off for counseling and would be needing more time off once the divorce was being finalized. From there, it was just an ordinary part of who I am at work. I don't walk around waving a rainbow flag or drooling over cute guys. I do have a photo of my partner and me on my desk, and when conversation turns to something relevant I don't censor myself about having a partner as a part of my life.

    As others have said here, the whole idea I'm going with is "being gay" not "coming out" as gay. It's just who I am, it doesn't define me or confine me. There's a whole lot more going on with being me than just happening to be gay; and being gay doesn't constrain every other aspect of who I am from politics to morals to anything else.

    I'm also fortunate that the state protects LGBT from employment discrimination, and my company has an explicit policy on the subject as well as DP and same-sex married benefits.
     
  18. gazwkd

    gazwkd Guest

    Yes, I'm in the military and kept things to myself for a long time. It was hard but the single best thing I did was to be honest with myself and others within my workplace environment. I've never really run into any issues and have actually had some good discussions and we have some good humour going on as well :slight_smile:

    I don't have to worry about hiding anything or being 'found out'.

    In a way its good if someone does have an issue, it lets you know that person isn't worth your time nor effort in life - if you do get any issues from my experience and that of my friends within the LGBT community in the military - it will be a tiny, tiny amount of people not worth worrying about :slight_smile:
     
  19. Samson

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    66
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Quebec, canada
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    gazwkd, given your military background, I guess you need to shower with your colleagues from time to time, I wonder how they reacted after you told them? Where they uncomfortable in your presence, or it didn't change their behaviour?

    I wonder because I'm doing sports with some of my colleagues and I'm a bit afraid of their reaction in the locker-room when they will learn about my situation. Currently, nobody at work has a clue that I'm gay (still married and 4 kids), but living in a small town and being out to my family and kids, they will eventually know it...
     
  20. gazwkd

    gazwkd Guest

    No there has not been an issue with that. They are grown ups and realise a shower is just that. Their big enough to know I'm not going to jump them or for that matter go anywhere near them, I keep telling them I have standards :wink: