I hate this and dread it, but I promised my wife I would do it. I'm starting counseling this week to talk about my "identity" issues. yuck.
Well, you can be pretty sure the counsellor will be more sympathetic than your wife, from the sounds of it. Decide you're going to make the most of it even if it's just some unrelated problem you'd like help with. Every little bit counts.
Actually my wife has been very sympathetic. She's very hurt, confused, maybe even a little afraid. She has every right to feel those things. I'm confused, embarrassed, and a whole host of other emotions. I'm a very private person and I don't like talking about "things." It's just how I was raised. So to talk about something that feels so taboo, and about a personal moral failure seems dreadful (no matter how you feel about same-sex relations, cheating on your spouse is a major moral failure).
Would you mind telling why you dread the idea of this so much? You will benefit greatly from this experience! I bet that is what you want, correct? Were you raised to believe that seeking help makes you weak? Please expand on your second post above if you like. I think a great many people shoulder burdens they dont have to, out of a too strongly developed sense of pride or a need to exhibit strength at all times. I'm not knocking you. I ask and comment as I'd like to help, and learn in the process.
You pretty much nailed it. I'm not defending these feelings, I'm just being honest. Yes, I was raised that you are supposed to "suck it up" and there is no need to whine about things, just deal with it. I have experience in a "helping profession" (I'd rather not be more detailed than that) and I'm used to helping others, providing a listening ear. So yes, I get that it's totally hypocritical to not want to be listened to, but that's where I am. Now I'm an engineer who is accustomed to tackling the most difficult of problems. I'm used to finding the concrete answer and pride myself on knowing how to "git 'r done!" The bright side is I'm aware that I'm a stubborn man, hell bent on finding the answers and not telling anybody that I had questions to begin with. I guess that's the first step.
I've always thought of therapy as similar to EC: a place where I can vent and say whatever i want without fear, like a sandbox. The idea that you're there for a specific purpose or agenda can make it seem really daunting. See if it helps to think about it as an echo chamber, where you can listen to your own thoughts and feelings in safety.
I believe that the key is to be totally honest with the therapist on every issue, even the ones they forget to ask. that's when they can help you. and I can tell that there is an aspect of it that will be tough for you, but it would help if could withhold morale judgment of yourself and your history as you present the facts to your therapist. Whatever happened in the past, in the present you are being honest with your wife. If you're withholding anything from her to not hurt her more than she already feels hurt, I would agree with that. telling her every detail makes it more painful for no good purpose. telling every detail to your therapist is a different matter, and getting honest with them will give you greater clarity about your next steps. and remember, we're only as sick as our secrets.
what he said ^^^^ Be as honest as you are comfortable, the more the better Stick to facts, not judgments about them Therapy is finally working wonders now that I've identified some of the issues in my particular closet, and feel honest enough with myself to open up to my therapist. Now, I've been with her for 3 or 4 years by now...
I agree with some of th posts above greatly. When I told my wife I was attracted to men, she asked me to go to therapy. I did. It has helped me a bunch. I've only been going for about a month, but it has definitely helped and looks like I'm already figuring things out about myself and for my family. I think there's still a semi lengthy road ahead, but it's not a scary road. It's so helpful to speak to a professional about how I feel and what I think
Nothing wrong with sucking it up! Many great things have been accomplished by strong men, but I think even superman must get down from time to time. If your working on some project that requires you to hold force the way you describe than you must stay vigilant to complete that task properly. The project would fail otherwise. A great many people would be let down. No one wants to hear you whine during all of that likely but now your talking about you and your families happiness... so get in the chair and whine! You have I guess shouldered a burden that would knock any strong person down at least temporarily. None of this is hypocritical. ""I'm used to finding the concrete answer and pride myself on knowing how to "git 'r done!"" Bravo! Counseling will help you get back to doing that more comfortably. The first time i saw my dad cry I dindt think "what a freaking wimp!" I thought, holy crap! He's much stronger than I realized because his supporting all of us was killing him and he never let it show!" Dont hold things back when you go to this counselor. I'm not suggesting you blurt it all out in two sessions but they can help you best if you open up somewhat more comfortably. Your on the right track. Anway, good luck! Sincerely! Git ur done!
Thanks everyone. Very salient points all. One thing I will take issue with is the withholding judgment. I've allowed myself to accept forgiveness for my transgressions. As a Christian, forgiveness and redemption is the cornerstone of my faith. So I accept that, but I know that the forgiveness and redemption comes after repentance. Repentance is a tough word for some. I guess putting it in secular terms forgiveness is good and many from various faith backgrounds (even those with no faith) understand that. The barrier to that is often wondering if the person really means it. Are they sorry, or are they sorry they got caught? Repentance is the act of acknowledging where I screwed up and agreeing to work on it. I guess you could say therapy is part of that. I need to understand who I am, but it's not okay to do destructive things that hurt others as a part of that. Thanks again to everyone. I can't believe how much better it feels to vent this. And Wildside, I am being honest with my wife, although I've withheld a little to avoid hurting her. I actually think I went overboard in telling her some things. Like I wouldn't dare tell her that when the young man and I kissed, I realized I had never ever EVER had a kiss that powerful. I'm trying to figure out exactly what that means. It may simply be that he had a very powerful tongue. Or maybe that means something about my attraction. Of course some of it may not be strictly due to orientation, but may be that while I'm a really strong confident person as a public speaker, as a business leader, and in other roles, I've always been very shy and passive in romantic endeavors. I'm a tall (6'2") and burly guy, but this young man was taller and stronger than me and he was aggressive (yet not forceful) and I think I found it comforting -- safe even.
I'm not gonna talk about religion but I believe we are supposed to leave it up to God to forgive. You can not stand in judgement of yourself or others, only God can, and you are not a god... therefore only God can forgive! Dont try to be God, I guess is what I am trying to say... that would be too heavy a burden for you to carry and might be why you are so stressed. When this process is complete you can still hold to your conviction that your actions were wrong, let it out... let God forgive you! I believe that is at least a simplified description of repentance!? I don't want to discuss religion so hopefully some others will reach out on that topic as I respect religion being vital.
Yes, I think that's an accurate way of putting it. I'm pretty sure I've accepted forgiveness. Actually beyond sure. Part of what I'm doing now is to equip myself to move forward and not repeat my mistakes. I am scared. I'm afraid what I will find out about myself and what it will mean to my current life. There. I said it.
SouthernGeek, I am a gay protestant Christian pastor (not yet out to any but family and close friends). In some ways I have found that coming out about my orientation is a lot like coming out about my faith. While I, too, said and did things in my relationship with my wife that I am not particularly proud of, I have found that the main thing I have to repent of is how I have treated myself for so many years and how I have denied God the opportunity to tell me the truth about who I really am and who God has created me to be. It IS scary to have to live into the gospel truth about who you are. It helps to have "church" to support you and love you. EC has been one form of church for me in this journey. I hope you have or can find other communities of people who love you and accept you as you are so that you will not feel so isolate in this newfound "faith" about yourself and about what God is doing your life and in the life of your family. A good therapist is certainly helpful! I am proud of you and your bravery and courage!
I suggest using these therapy sessions to your own benefit nothing you say needs to leave the room but you may find it very liberating to be "raw" with the truth leave your taboos and self-censoring in the waiting room and maybe just speak from the core of your being and see what happens!!
SouthernGeek, you're doing an amazing thing by taking this step. It requires incredible courage which, in turn, requires vulnerability. And understanding the link between those two will be key to allowing yourself to accept and cultivate the healing work that you need to do to understand yourself and decide how to move forward. The strong, suck-it-up patterns that so many of us learned are actually not helpful in the long run; everything worth anything (courage, creativity, authenticity, love) actually requires vulnerability... but vulnerability isn't weakness, it is simply an openness to self and a willingness to put ourselves out there and be seen. I think -- assuming you have a decent therapist -- that you'll be surprised how easy it can be to open up and talk with him or her. Being completely honest is important; you won't be judged, and that's an important concept to understand. And being wiling to talk about your fears and most shameful experiences is equally important, but can (and likely will) take some time to feel comfortable. If you haven't already, I recommend getting Joe Kort's amazing "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" (which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, but everything to do with understanding who you are.) Don't worry if you don't identify as gay; the book is equally useful for those who are questioning and curious, and helps explain a lot about feelings that most in that place are experiencing. I also strongly suggest you take about an hour and watch Brené Brown's three TED talks, available on Youtube I would start with "The Price of Invulnerability" which speaks directly to what happens when you "suck it up", and then "The Power of Vulnerability", and finally "LIstening to Shame" There's a little bit of duplication between them, but each gives insights that I think you'll find powerful to what you are experiencing at present. Again, I applaud you for taking these steps and helping yourself figure out what's next... even if someone else encouraged you to do so
I survived my first counseling session last night. Fortunately one of my favorite pubs is across the street, so one long island iced tea to loosen up before the session and 2 or 3 afterwards to process it and I was feeling fine!
Ha! Drunk therapy is one way to go. I remember when I was drinking a lot I actually brought a fifth of whiskey to my therapy session and took a swig mid-way. I'm sober now Anyway I thought of another perspective that might be useful. Even the most hardcore stoic person would agree that making decisions in the absence of clarity is a bad plan. And that same person would probably agree that emotions, while messy and troublesome, are a real thing and need to be factored into any life decision. So perhaps you can view therapy as a kind of fact-finding mission, to get information about your own inner emotional state, so you can make some better life decisions.
