Hi Everyone, I'm brand new to the forum, and glad to find a place to talk and read and share. I wanted to have a chance to share my story and share where I'm at: I'm a bi-sexual woman in my mid-30's, married to a man for nearly 10 years. Before I met my husband, I had dated a couple women, but nothing serious- and had had only one very intimate experience with a woman sexually. That said, at the time, I think I felt that my attraction to women was just some quirky aspect to my personality. I don't believe I realized how significant it was to me (or perhaps, at that time, it wasn't as significant). Looking back on my life, I realize that i have always been attracted to women. I realize that even as a child, there were many times that the connections I had with my female friends were not necessarily the same connection that they were experiencing with me. I would often become 'infatuated' with my female friends- and I understand more now what those feelings were. I do believe that as I age, I am becoming more and more attracted to women. Something is shifting for me. I've read some studies on this topic, and it seems that this can happen as hormones shift, etc. I do believe I'm at a point in my life where I am more attracted to women than men. The catalyst to this realization was 2 years ago, when I had a very, very intense experience with a woman. It was at a time when my husband and I were having trouble in our marriage, and I think it opened me up to be vulnerable to the attraction when I otherwise might not have been. While nothing ever happened physically with this woman, she and I became very close friends, and I fell into a very deep (and frankly unhealthy) infatuation with her. So intense were my feelings, that it came to the point that I questioned if I have been a lesbian all along, if I should be with a female partner, etc. etc. My husband and I have since worked things through and are at a very nice point in our relationship and marriage. I'm open with my husband about my feelings, and he knows (perhaps the 'PG' version) about my attraction to women. That situation may have blown over (it ended badly- I shared my feelings with her, she did not return them, there was much heartache but also healing). However, 2 years later it is happening again with another female friend. I feel myself falling down this path of very deep attraction and fantasizing about being with her (both sexually and also just generally sharing a life with her). If anyone is still reading! The point is this: How do you navigate your sexuality and the role it does or doesn't play in your life once you're married and in a committed relationship? Because I'm married to a man, I can socially 'get away' with being very selective about whom I share my identity with (not saying that's the best way to handle...but that's for another thread). All of my closest friends know that I identify as Bi, but no one in my family knows (and they would absolutely not understand/accept and I feel no need/desire to share that part of myself with them). We have many LGBTQ friends, and everyone in my life who truly knows me has been absolutely accepting and loving about my coming out to them as bi. This is why I'm struggling a bit: These feelings of strong attraction to women have come to me later in life, and I feel that I don't have the opportunity to explore them or find out their significance to my identity/life. I'm happily married, but I find myself constantly fantasizing about being with a woman. It doesn't feel right to me to 'seek permission' from my husband for female exploration, so at the moment that's not an option. I do however feel like I have this secret part of myself that I can't fully share. It feels lonely and isolating and as I have a life with a man I love deeply, I don't understand why this other side to myself and my sexuality suddenly feels so significant to me. If you're still reading this- thank you for taking the time. Any thoughts or similar experiences would be welcome. ~K.
Hi Karin, You are in the right place. Your story is very similar to many on here, including my own. I myself am still wrestling with these very same questions so I don't think I am much of a source of wisdom. A practical step you might consider is therapy or counseling so that you can talk about this stuff with another human being. One observation from reading many stories on EC and other places. Many people come to question their sexual orientation later in life because at that point it's actually less about sex and more about identity at the deepest level. Many people hit that tipping point when they fall in love with a same-sex partner; they experience a level of intimacy they'd never felt before. It seems like more of a soul or spiritual thing than purely a sex thing. Once that door is opened it is harder to go back to an opposite-sex partner with any kind of integrity. So based on your post, it does sound like you've hit that point. I would encourage you to explore the forum a bit more -- you will find lots more stories that sound like yours.
Hi Karin, This is a tough situation. I also considered myself bisexual for most of my life and have experienced a similar attraction to what you describe above. With that attraction came the painful realisation that actually, at least romantically and passionately, I was not feeling what I should for my husband. It's very possible to love someone because of the mental and emotional connection even though those other feelings are missing and then to rationalise it. For myself, the realisation I came to was that I was gay. I've always been attracted to women and like you have only danced around the edge of really exploring that attraction. I'm still in the process of thinking through all of this (and analyzing my entire relationship history!) but the conclusion remains the same. I want to be with a female partner, romantically, sexually, in the long term - the works. Do you feel like you can be with your hubby in that way? Are you still attracted to him/want to be intimate with him? For my own part, I found that although I love him, the answers to those questions were no. I felt it was unfair to both of us to continue in a marriage where I couldn't be with him and love him the way he does me - but this is an extremely painful decision and realisation to come to. Sorry, I've rambled a bit but hopefully it helps you in thinking things through Good Luck
Hi Nerdbrain, Thank you for your very thoughtful response and post. Your post was very comforting- I appreciate very much hearing that I've both come to the right place for support, and also that I'm not alone in these feelings or experiences. All very validating. I do currently work with a therapist, but I find myself shying away from the topic. Writing this post tonight made me realize that I need to use her as a resource for support and navigation and continue to share these feelings that are coming up. thank you again for your thoughtful post. ---------- Post added 11th Dec 2014 at 10:00 PM ---------- Hi FoxSong, Thank you for sharing your story and for the post. I was interested that you used to identify as bi, but now have found that you identify as gay. I admit that I do sometimes wonder if I will find myself there as well one day. That said, I do still feel attracted to my husband, and I do find intimacy with him enjoyable (perhaps not always satisfying on many levels, but none the less enjoyable). I really admire your bravery in accepting the realization of your identity. It's very encouraging and inspiring to read. ~K PS you weren't rambling!
