Is this a common experience for women coming out of long hetero marriages?

I've always been a private person. I was extremely shy as a child but had to learn to come out of that shell when I had kids.

I've always been a bit awkward and I thought it was just me feeling uncomfortable when I have to do somewhat public things like give presentations or facilitate meetings.

After working with a friend who helped me get myself out of a 30 year lifeless marriage I'm starting to question just what all this "awkwardness" is that I have felt all of my life. Being newly divorced I wanted to start dating.

I'm well aware of the fact that I am an opinionated, and somewhat aggressive--though in a more softer, female way, in my work and maybe somewhat in my social life. Many men, including my ex, seem to not know what to do with me. Geesh, sometimes they even seem afraid of me. And I'm really a nice person! But I do know what I want and will do what it takes to make it happen.

After two years of "therapy" with my friend, he's gotten to know me very well and as I'm talking to him about trying to figure dating out after divorce and he asks me why I'm experiencing so much anxiety over it. He asks me why I'm not letting my circle of friends know I'm now divorced and single. Then he starts talking to me about all of my masculine tendencies. We've talked about them before but I thought I'd come to accept that as just part of who I am.

I asked him if other women didn't have anxiety about dating. He said that usually, no, they had anxieties about BEING DATED. He told me that wanting to initiate dating was one of my masculine tendencies.

Then it hit me...after 30 years of marriage what my lifeless marriage was about.

Of course I'm explaining 2 years of culminated conversation here in 2 minutes. Imagine that we have had a great number of conversations about my masculine tendencies before. It wasn't just this one comment but a wave of realization about all of the masculine tendencies that I have wash over me.

The weird thing is that I have always been open minded about sexual preference. Many of my friends are GLBT.

What's blown me away is how I had somehow managed to sweep this part of me under the rug and it's like someone just shook it all loose.

A little background info: I grew up the youngest in a fairly religious family. When I was a kid there was absolutely no talk about homosexuality. I hadn't even heard of it until I was an adult.

I feel like all the rest of the world knew of my identity, but me. And I still don't know what it is. I think I'm attracted to men who have a lot of feminine traits. I have no idea if I'm really attracted to women or not. I think women's bodies are beautiful and sensual, but who doesn't?

Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

 

I don't know, that's what I'm trying to figure out. You're talking to someone who has been suppressing her true self since childhood and staying "safe" in a lifeless marriage for 30 years.

---------- Post added 12th Dec 2014 at 10:06 AM ----------

Ok, gotcha. That was a broad generalization. Not everyone is attracted to the female form.

I understand, mentally, am who I am. I'm trying to understand that emotionally. Something I am unfamiliar with.

 

Hey everyone,

Sorry I haven't been back to thank you for your comments. I really appreciate everything you've said.

I'm 53 and if it's too late for me to date women, it's probably too late for me to date men, too. Lol. But seriously, it's not easy getting yourself back into feeling like you are dating material when you've been married for a whole lot of years.

Check out any dating site and men and women are both saying they want someone pretty and fit and the perfect match for themselves. After being in a lifeless marriage for so long, it's easy to think you must not have had these qualities or maybe it would have worked out better. ***sigh*** I know that's not true and I'm telling myself new stories now.

My favorite suggestion was "Well, if you are divorced and single and have the instinct to initiate dates with women... why not initiate some dates with women?"

Thanks nerdbrain. Sometimes it's the simplest answers... I'm working on that.

womaninamber,

"However, if talking about it has given you an insight into yourself that's great, and I get where you're saying you have other "masculine" traits and it makes you think about yourself. "

That's exactly it. It was like I knew this about myself but I don't think I realized it was so apparent to other people. Duh! When my friend started talking to me about this, I felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulder.