Went back into the closet

Hi,

It only takes 10-20% of any demographic to set a stereotype.

That means 80-90% of lesbians are uietly like you while those that are less quiet set the stereotype.

Why give up? You are in a silent majority.

Tom

 

Kids are resilient. And the one you have and the one along the way can grow up knowing their mother for whom she really is; so do not let the thought of your kids concern you.

As far as your boyfriend, it's not too late to be honest with him. He will get on with his life.

First and foremost, you need to decide for yourself if you are comfortable being true to yourself. Set aside the negative reactions from the past. You have your entire life ahead of you. How do you want to live it?

 

You are in the middle of a torturous situation. You have a man and a child with a second on the way that love you but you also have your mental health to look after. If you believe that your upcoming marriage is going to be based on a lie, I recommend you find somebody to speak with such as a counselor.

And he will need to know of something going on in some way or another. Your mental health is at stake.

 

I haven't so much as "came out" but had conversations with certain family members and my husband about my attraction to women. After a failed pregnancy in 2011 I started to get resentful and bitter because it became clear that as long as I am married to my husband, children were not going to be an option. He doesn't want them and I've gotten to the point were it may be difficult for me to even get pregnant to begin with. About two years ago I fell upon a fanfiction writing community and developed a friendship with writing partner of mine. After one particularly heated argument with my husband, I started to get closer to my writing partner, I don't want to say I fell in love with her, but we were close. She pretty much pushed me out of the closet in a way buy making me realize what had been there all along and I just never saw before. And while I'm not beautiful like you, I've ALWAYS been a tomboy. So it's almost as if the people I have talked to about it assumed I was gay all along even though I've insisted I was straight and these were just fantasies my whole adult life. I guess I'm pretty..youthful face, blue green eyes, curly blonde hair. But I'm a thick muscular girl. I still have sex with my husband, but its not as frequent or enjoyable as it was when I was younger. And no it has nothing to do with my libido. Get me right next to an attractive woman and my girl's at attention. I can't tell you not to waste another moment being miserable in a marriage you no longer wish to be in because hell I'm still married, but if you ever need someone to talk to I'm all ears.

 

I was talking about this in another thread but I once had a psychiatrist I didn't know very well tell me I should get a boyfriend, and when I told him I wanted a girlfriend he said I "didn't seem lesbian."

And I really felt like "Well, he's a professional, he obviously knows if I'm lesbian or not," even though I'd only been talking to him for about 15 minutes and the "get a boyfriend" thing was spectacularly lousy advice in the first place.

I mean of course it's not that big of a deal in and of itself that one person made that remark but it did make me scared to talk about it to people.

Anyway you are definitely in a rough situation. I also was married and had a child and wound up ending my marriage. At the time I told myself it wasn't about my orientation really but now I'm not so sure. But the posts above are right, kids are resilient and it's important for their parents to be happy and at peace with themselves. My kid looks back fondly on childhood. I know these things are easier to say than to do though.

 

yeah, I'm a man, but I've had exactly the same experience. The only solution is truth. I've you have been honest with your boyfriend in the past, it will be easier. If you have not, it will only get harder with time. And I don't say this out of judgment, but out of my own experience of having not been honest about being gay. You're ahead of where I was at your age, because it took me much longer to admit it to myself. By the time I did, I was thirty years and three children into what has always been an unhappy marriage. I have really given it my best effort, but the fact is that no matter how hard we try to make it work, the underlying compatibility just don't go away. what does go away, however, is the ability to perform sexually with opposite-sex partners. eventually, it just becomes impossible. and if your boyfriend/husband (at some point?) is expecting a sexual relationship, this can be a huge problem. even with an asexual partner, there is just a level of tension that is like the white noise that only gets louder. as far as "gods natural way of things" as your mom says, well I believed that too, but life has shown me that it is not gods natural way of things for a gay man to be married or partnered to a straight woman. If he wanted me (or you) to be with that person, he would have either made them gay and the same gender, or would have made us straight. but I think there is a great reason that we haven't figured out why we exist in every population, and we're not removed by "natural selection"

 

your reply has hit me a bit. I am 37 single in closet. always been depressed and fear bcoz of my sexuality. been south asian by ethinity just adds to the tumoil. i dont know what should i do..last few years havnt not dated or had sex with anyone. as soon as i think of accepting myself and dating i overcome with enormous depression and anxiety.
this has led to me really searching for answers. i dont know what to do . i been trying to convince that getting married and having kids will save me from a lonely sad life. but your post above has opened my eyes. but now i even more confused.

 

You need to speak up. I went through years of inner turmoil and sabotaged more than one relationship because I refused to come to terms with who I was and how it really affected others. When my first marriage was falling apart, I remember very vividly sitting in the bedroom with her and talking about everything that was bad about our relationship, but I couldn't get the nerve to say what was at the root of my part of the blame. Ha...I can still remember sitting there and literally shaking all over. When she made mention of it I just said it was because I was upset but on the inside I was screaming "I'm gay. I suck at being a husband because I'm gay.".......The marriage still ended, even with me sucking it in. We have a child together. It was very rocky in the beginning. Some time later, when I finally accepted myself, I had the opportunity to sit and have coffee with her and I told her everything. We have since become closer friends than when we were married.......Come to think of it, I am pretty sure that there are more people who know about me ( or think that I am gay ) than I realize.

 

I'm just coming out and I get the weird look too. People dont say anything, but I know theyre thinking "seriously?"

I believe its mostly because of the obviously incorrect notion that older women in particular "become lesbians" because they are too ugly to get a man. Its the same idea that attractive women cant be lesbians or that all butch lesbians are ugly. It falls in line that with the idea that women are here for decoration. Its all nauseating to me.

Dont get me wrong. I take very very good care of my health and appearance, but its not my identity.

I really hope you think long and hard about your future and your childrens future, whatever that means for you . Hugs to you and good luck sweetie. We're here for you.

 

Please please please don't marry someone if you are not committed. Don't do that to yourself or the other person.

 

Eden, first my heart is with you. A few months after I was married I knew I was in trouble. So, naturally, we proceeded to have 4 children. I feel super fortunate to have my kids, so they were a success, but the personal soul-pain during the 20+ years was unendurable and nearly cost me my life. I agree that you should not marry if you already know it's not right. Trust your heart on this one.

 

Eden83, you have my sympathy.

I feebly tried coming out in fits and starts in my 20s, but struggled due to believing what other people made of my situation. A lot of that was due to confusion on my part (which from being on here is actually quite normal), and so it got interpreted too as being a phase.

By listening to everyone else's opinion on what I was, I stopped listening to myself, and I think this was actually quite harmful to my psyche, and the poor guys I tried to date in the interim. I think with being honest with myself and others, I am starting to heal from that damage - owning, and feeling proud of who you are is quite empowering. And, by listening to myself properly, I am a lot less confused. From my own experience, from that honesty with oneself, springs better decision making abilities.

I cannot comment on your situation as I have not been there myself and only you are in it. However, what I suppose I am saying is to allow yourself to be honest.

 

Eden, I wanted to send some happy thoughts your way. I'm looking back to pre-marriage wishing I had explored who I was more thoroughly. I'm perfectly happy in my marriage, but I still feel like maybe something is missing... Take your time to find you, and try not to allow society to stick you into a box (or closet) in which you don't belong.

 

Coming out is a very brave thing and I envy you for having the courage. But for me its the first time in my very short time in this community to find out staying out require more strength and required a life support system that it seemed you lacked five years ago. I got marreide when I was 21 yo an arranged marriage, and it took me 3 years of praying to be able to give myself to my husband who was extremely patient with me. I didn't know then I was a lesbian, but I thought I was cold with no sexual feelings (which extremely wrong). Now I have 4 kids and still with my husband. I'm not happy but not miserable. And ofcaurse I fall in love during my marriage with a woman but never acted on it and it painful. Any way its your life you still young and your kids also young and adaptable to life. Please choose to be happy.

 

Really think about getting married before you do it, or you could find yourself feeling even more trapped and unhappy. Also your children are still young ,easier now than later when it is much more complicated.

 

The feelings you have will "NOT" go away, they will only become stronger; trust your instincts, you cannot change or force yourself to change. Be honest with your boyfriend, it's not too late. Divorce is way, way harder! Save yourself extreme pain down the road, and allow him to find somebody who does want to have a physical relationship with him. The kids will be fine, just set up shared custody, and be decent & fair about it.

 

I've been lurking here for a while but your post prompted me to join so I could respond to you. I am a lesbian who was not strong enough in my early years to live my life honestly. I gave in to the social norm in order to make my parents happy, to live an "easier" life, to do what was acceptable. I was married to a man for 20 years and had two wonderful children with him. I burried myself in raising my children and was happy with them. However, anytime I looked beyond that aspect of my life I felt miserable.. Sad, depressed, guilt ridden. I could barely stand the touch of my husband and had to force myself to have sex with him. Needless to say is was less than fulfilling for either of us. He always thought there was something wrong with him, no matter how much I tried to connvincehim otherwise. After my oldest left for college I finally came to the conclusion that I could no longer live this false life.. It was too hard for me and for my husband. It did not end well or amicably. He is still very angry with me and I do not blame him one bit. I betrayed him by lying to him for our entire lives together. I have a tremendous sense of guilt that, I do not believe, will ever go away. My children have been traumatized, though they have come around to some degree. After we were divorced I began dating women and have found true love with a wonderful woman. I am finally living the life I was meant to live.. But my family have become the casualties in my quest for happiness. Please please please consider all parties involved as you make this very important decision. It is not too late for honesty.

 

Wow this is how I'm feeling right now people have been telling me i'm not gay because I'm feminine and there are times I feel like just crawling back into that closet .