Wasted 20 years

You have admitted that something good did come out of the last 20 years so it's definitely not a waste of life. You are still young and you still have lots more to look forward to in your life.

 

careful, that's a dangerous trap. focus on the wonderful gift in your life of the children and look for the other good things that came out of the last 20 years. start living life for today, and dreaming of a future. don't destroy yourself by falling into regret. it may sound trite, but it is true that the best is yet to come.

 

You havent wasted your life at all. You have your children and if you think about it you will realise that you have achieved a lot. Once you sell your house and move somewhere more affordable life will be easier and you can start doing things for yourself again.

You just have to get over these hurdles and things will get easier in the future.

 

darlin, we're in similar boats. 20 years with someone to whom you meant nothing or close to it. but we have our kids and that's a hugh something we, neither of us, can change the past but we can, both of us, make the next 20, 30, 40 years that much greater.

 

Life is a journey, nothing wasted everything gained. Rather than comparing life to others, I look at my own personal journey and see how everything I have been through has gotten me to where I am today. No regrets, now just continuing to focus on the future and wondering what else my journey will bring my way.

 

There is no such thing as a complete waste of a life. Ok, I have some regrets and wish I could get a redo on certain parts of my life, but even so, it all informs who I am now and (more importantly) who I'll become. I may not be in complete love with who I am right at this moment (don't get me wrong...I'm pretty fuckin' cool...just not *complete* love), but the person I'll become will be totally amazing, if I can learn the lessons I need to learn and move forward with the right degree of love, wisdom, and self-understanding.

The person you'll become can be equally amazing. But you need to stop looking at life as mistakes vs. right choices. There are no wrong choices...just life. Learn from the parts that didn't seem to go so well...they happened for reasons. A 20-year lesson is a *powerful* lesson...don't ignore it...don't denigrate it. And *definitely*, never mention your children and "waste of life" in the same paragraph (or even in the same post)!

*hugs*

 

thats a plan right there. i did this, and continue to do it with my son, from new Christmas traditions and even some decorations, to day trips that we have taken.

it's a process, a journey that we are both on. lets enjoy the ride and not worry about the road behind us.

 

I am so in synch with you on this. It is probably fortunate, I guess. I often feel like I wish I could go back and have a re-do on life. But then I think about the kids, and everything is worth it. I often say that I love them more than life itself. On a practical level, that means that I am willing to let go of my regrets because all that space is needed for the gratitude that is in my heart for having them as a part of my life. And I know that more good things will come, if I let them.

 

Oh no...I certainly didn't think you regretted your children.

But neither wish away *any* memories of that time. There was stuff in there that was important. It's a little like "It's a Wonderful Life"...you can't encompass all you touched during that time or all who touched you...you can't take it all in. And yet in its own sweet time, you need to learn from it.

Yes, it makes sense if you can't remember the good times with your husband, even though you know there were some. I have a friend who divorced about 6 years ago who feels the same way...but she's starting to come out of that fog/funk now, and hopefully you will as well.

The point is (and others have said it), we're *all* on a journey. Only you'll never arrive if you don't experience the trip.

 

The past is stone. It's set and unchangeable.
The future is vapor. No telling what it might bring.
The present is clay. It's the only part you can mold.

...ooo, look at the gargoyle getting all metaphysical and stuff.

The best stuff is ahead. Eyes forward, go out, and kick ass.

Lex

 

Wholeheartedly agree with you... sometimes remembering anything good about the past in our straight marriages is difficult because of the hurt we feel now that the marriage has ended. But it is best that we not wipe those memories from our minds, someday our children may appreciate hearing stories about their lives and ours from those years. They deserve to know someday that despite the hurt of acknowledging the truth of who we are does not erase the good times that were shared in the past.

Further, you and your (ex-)husband deserve to be happy today and in the future for your own sake and for your children. There are many stories yet to be written in our lives; remember the past to cherish the good times and learn from the mistakes/regrets that can't be undone but can be a guide to being a better partner and parent going forward. (*hug*)

 

Similar to what Lex said, you can't change the past. What you can control, however, is the lens in which you view the world. You still have many years ahead of you and you can steer your ship in any direction you choose. That's exciting to think about!

 

Even if the last 20 years had not been wasted, they would still be dead and gone. You've got today, that's all any of us ever has. I just take things one day at a time. We never even know if this one precious day will be our last. But right now, we are alive.
Andy. (*hug*)

 

wow, that's such a great point! I've never heard it put that way. It makes me thing that even if I had come out when I was 20, I wouldn't be sitting around saying, "I'm really glad that I haven't been in the closet all these years." I would be thinking about something else. And if my choice is to be miserable in life and always regretting the past, I would be doing that no matter what time line that past were on. Thanks so much, Damien. choose joy and gratitude! (!)

 

My husband told me this past summer that he wished that he had never married me.That he should have explored his sexual orientation before hand.This made me feel that I had wasted 14 years of my time. However, during that time I have met people I never would have met and done things I would have never done. It depends on how you look at things

 

what would have been a more helpful and loving thing for him to say? I am asking this for my own benefit, so please don't misunderstand. I want to come out to my wife after 35 years, but am afraid to hurt her. She said that our marriage was a mistake, but I told her that I didn't think that it was, that I loved her. but i didn't finish the thought by saying that I am gay, and that is probably at the heart of why our marriage didn't work. can you share any thoughts on what is the right thing to say in this impossible situation? I never would have got her into this situation if I figured out my sexuality early, but I was a virgin when I met her and had never kissed anyone, male or female.

 

It's only wasted if you think it's wasted.

 

Yes, absolutely...but please don't forget, when you are 65 or 68 (whichever is the more appropriate marker for you) to stop and appreciate "I'm really glad I haven't been in the closet these past 8/10 years!" Be kind enough, since you'll have the wisdom and perspective then, to give that due recognition to your present self.