I don't think I could ever meet a woman.

do you wish that you had stayed with your husband? Anyway, maybe you could focus more on just developing friendships. having a good circle of friends may be more comfortable than trying to decide on a mate. and if one of those friendships leads somewhere else, fine. but make the friendships to have the friendships, and your life will be enriched. being "alone" definitely beats being in a bad relationship.

 

Hey WIA,

Some things you said reminded me of some of my own experiences, so I'm going to ask you this:

You mentioned wanting to "look" at the women much more than wanting to "look" at the men on dating sites... Does the draw feel like it's toward looking at the women's pictures (i.e., is that where the anticpation-excitement in the activity is?) or is the interest piqued more when reading their profiles?

The reason I ask is: It is very possible to have a physical attraction but not a romantic interest in a particular sex. Or no (or very little) physical attraction, but actually quite a strong romantic interest in a particular sex. It is also possible to experience sexual but not romantic attraction, period, in general. Or romantic but not sexual attraction, in general.

This can be very helpful: Romantic orientation - AVENwiki

When you married your ex husband, what was the thing(s) that you were drawn to, about him? In other words, what was your basis for feeling like you wanted to marry him? -This may offer some clues. (To get you started.)

 

Hmm. Well, I'd almost say that you seem aromantic, but for that 1 individual (or two?) you've mentioned. I might explore more of those definitions and permutations of aromanticism you can find under the asexual community's umbrella. You might find something you read which really makes you say, "Ah-ha!" - which clicks.

 

Nope, you're doing fine; it's my fault. I took the bolded parts above, and came to the conclusion that: 1) You outright state that you don't feel attracted to women romantically; and 2) your description of feeling 'in love' with your husband, didn't quite land on me as sounding terribly in-love, so much as that you just admired his qualities. But, that could be something that just got lost in translation.

So I presumed a little, based on an overall 'feeling' I had.

However, you did mention one (guy?) person that you felt quite smitten with at one point...correct? So if you feel quite sure that you are able to feel truly romantic attraction to some individuals, I apologize for making a bit of an inferential assumption. Consider it merely a guess.

 

I think that is ALWAYS the best approach!!! For me, when I have been focused on falling in love, or having a relationship, or being romantically involved, it brought some bad results. I guess that kind of becomes being in love with being in love. But when we are just living life, enjoying friends and casual relationships, that in itself is good enough. And then, if completely out of our control, Mr. Right (in my case) or Ms. Right comes along, then that is good too, but not necessarily better. Good enough is really good enough! :icon_wink

 

not self-pitying at all. we humans are social creatures, and the lack of social contact is genuinely painful. I have what appears to be a relatively OK level of social interaction, but even that is a bit of a farse because it is not people I can be authentic with (ie, not out to them). do you have any public transportation? are there any support groups you could go to? there are also "meet up" sites for folks like us, where they kind of find events that we can go to and see people who share our condition in life.

 

All of this. I hope you plan to stick around here for awhile and keep reading, particularly in this forum.

For me, once I started questioning strongly enough to search out a discussion forum like this one in the back of my mind I was already pretty sure I was gay. I also knew that I was ready to admit it to myself. It was a relatively brief but tumultuous experience for me to even begin to come to terms with it. I went back and forth a lot. It was a part of what I had to do, though, to become comfortable with the idea that I want to be with a woman rather than a man.

When it comes to cultivating close relationships with people I'm basically a leper, so I dont think I would be able to offer any useful advice in that realm.

 

I really think you should focus on the task at hand, as it were.

I think the same thing... that I will never be involved with a woman... maybe for different reasons than you, but if I focus on it, its overwhelming. I'd remove that from the formula for now.

I've had the notion that I am gay rolling around in my head since my first sexual experience with a girl in junior high and then numerous other things over the last 30 years. I know there are people that dont agree that even the culture is oppressive, but I believe thats the reason I was so slow to even do something like consider the possibility. Religion (Christianity) was an obstacle for awhile for me as well. That changed when a friend of mine started challenging my stance on gay marriage.... I was against if you can believe that and I had some soul searching to do related to that.

I've since reconciled my religious beliefs with my gayness (Matthew Vines, Justin Lee) so I dont feel that thats affecting me much at this point. Who the hell knows with this brain of mine, though.

 

One thing that I really love about EC is being able to identify with what other people say. It makes me feel less alone, less unique, less like I'm from another planet and that "there is nobody on earth who would love me if they KNEW." It is kind of funny, ironic, encouraging, beautiful (take your choice, all the above) when I read something from a gay woman that is like my experience as a gay man. At first that surprised me, but I've come to see how much we share in common, and how this forum really works kind of like a really good group therapy session. I've been looking for a therapy group, and figured that it would have to be all gay men, but this has really opened up my mind. Melanie's comment above is exactly what I experienced. By the time I started searching for a forum, I was definitely at the transition point. I had already come out to myself four years before, but kept wavering back and forth. Since entering the threads of EC, I am getting so much more comfortable with who I am. I am so grateful to have found EC, for all who are here with me on this journey; and I really take on board Melanie's advice that we keep coming back here, and reading the good advice (and have the sense to realize the advice that is a little off center, which also happens because we're all here because we're struggling with something). The only thing missing is the warmth and love of a group hug! (&&&)

 

I agree Wildside

Ive learned so much about myself reading the threads here, and I've lost count of the number of times someone has said something that completely resonated with my experience.

I kinda love how I can see a bit more clearly now where people are at in this journey just because of my own experiences. It makes me feel good that there are times when I feel like I can contribute and be supportive. The more I learn about who I am the better I can support others. Yeah I learn a lot here, but I also hope that I can help others along the way.

Definitely missing that in-person group hug lol!! (&&&)

 

I totally feel you on so many levels here. I'm still married, and I do love my husband, he's my best friend and we have been through a lot over the years, with family members on his side and mine both succumbing to cancer (both his parents, my dad and grandmother). My recent (past few years) accepting of myself that I'm gay is difficult in itself, but I'm shy as it is, so I don't see myself picking anyone up. I'm cool with my friends, and yes I do flirt but I'm kind of clueless when it comes to telling if someone is interested or just being friendly. I don't have much experience dating wise since I've been in the same relationship since I was 20, and I didn't date much before then either...really just hung out with friends as a group.

But as I am in the same boat in meeting people, I'm here to meet new people anyway, so maybe we can talk about these things and be clueless together.

 

we really do need an emoticon of a boat full of people. or maybe the ark, with all the animals. you know, it's crazy, and there are all kinds, and it can be a bit stinky, but it's better than any alternative! glad that you're in the boat with us. and in the absence of a boat emoticon, (&&&)

 

Hi,
I don't want to turn this into an unusualness competition (I would win in any case), but you would not be the only grown-up person to like Pokemon, really...there are quite ordinary blokes who play pitched battles with little plastic army men...there are guys who like 'my little pony' and they have their own club to celebrate it...people like all sorts of fairly harmless things.
I'm 46, I live alone so sometimes talk to either my cat or my rabbit...now that is odd. But there's nothing wrong with being different, to be honest. Playing pokemon at your age, is probably not as unusual as you think, but even it it were, what's wrong with being different? Some folks like to attend boxing matches, and to see guys give each other blows that can lead to acquired brain injury later in life. Compared with such a hobby, your liking for Pokemon seems pretty positive, does it not? People like all sorts of things.