Feeling so lonely and hurt tonight, so lonely it physically hurts. I did it again and fell for a straight guy - this is a reoccurring theme in my life, especially because I'm still very much in the closet. Last time I fell for a young intern that worked at my work. He got REALLY close to me because he saw me as a mentor, and for awhile I was happy to mentor him, spend time with him, guide him, help him get ahead, etc. then somewhere in there I fell for this intern and I kept finding myself reading into things that weren't there that he felt the same way - having him move on to another company helped. Now, a young guy started working at my company again, and this guy too latched on to me, wanting to spend time with me, texting me all the time, wanting to spend time with me non-stop...all this, again, because I'm a very influential person in company/field and I'm sure he was latching on to me to be mentored, learn, etc. Again, I was happy to do it, told myself not to fall for him, it'd be silly, totally inappropriate, etc. etc. Again, because I'm still very much in closet, he'd even confide in me about his girl problems, etc. which you would think that I would stay clear from developing emotional feelings, but I'm such a dumbass....before I know it, I find myself totally crushing on this young guy. Probably because all these young men are good looking, that doesn't help either. What is my problem? Well...besides the obvious. Tonight, I'm telling myself that the best thing to do is to become a hermit and never expose myself to these potential feelings and it hurts too much. Just focus on work and career, because in those aspects of my life, I'm sky rocketing and very successful. But I'm so fucken lonely... Thanks to those who took the time to read, I just wanted to get this out to the world, even if it was the virtual world. One thing that does help is reading about others who go through the same thing and can commiserate. Please share if you are willing.
You are soooo not alone. I am questioning my sexuality, but am at the point where I accept I am bisexual. I have crushed on so many straight guys. In fact, years ago I fell in love with my then best friend. I thought about him every minute of the day when we were not together. We are now former best friends because of my feelings. It hurt like hell, I mean like HELL, when I had to accept he did not feel the same way and I had to let it go. The worse thing you can do is isolate yourself and not open yourself to love. Yes, you need to be careful who you crush on, but you are HUMAN! It is completely natural to fall for a guy looking guy that you spend time with, like and get along with. I definitely know how you feel, but years later I am fine. You will be OK. Try focusing on guys that you know are gay or bi. You deserve to be loved and to feel love.
I absolutely understand where you're at, and my heart really goes out to you (*hug*). It is so hard being in the closet. We would be better off coming out, but for the moment we are still in there. my advice is to not become a hermit (it won't work anyway), but to go in the exact opposite direction. develop more social contacts outside the work place, and see if any of those develop into something more significant. personally, I have made a real effort to keep my romantic heart out of the work place. besides the potential HR issues and their impact on my career, there is much more importantly the power imbalance that exists in those relationships, and that seems to be a factor in what you've described. I feel like people might be attracted to my power rather than to me, and I don't like that. Plus, someone might even feel pressured to respond to my romantic advances because of my position and ability to adversely or positively affect their career. so rather than be a hermit, become a social butterfly, with a rainbow pattern on your beautiful wings.
I can say this with a very high degree of confidence given my experience - coming out of the closet can directly correlate to eliminating the phenomenon of falling for guys you work with. Prior to coming out, straight guys that I interacted with daily often were the forbidden fruit. Time and time again I would get a massive crush on someone. Having been out for a few years, I may still recognise that some of those guys I interact with daily are beautiful, great personalities, witty, etc, but any emotion of potentially crushing on them has all been removed. They are no different than anyone I meet on the street at this point.
I can't say that I've been in this situation, but feel the need to mention this, as I think you might find some use in it... Trying to "block" your feelings, will only go towards making you crave them more. By becoming a "hermit" you are setting yourself up for a huge crashdown the next time you fail to not fall for someone. May I suggest that instead of doing this, you allow yourself to be open, see where things go and if nothing happens, move forward. Getting denied, ultimately is a good thing because it forces you to accept reality and move forward. Hiding your feelings on the other hand is akin to running away from reality and ultimately harming yourself in the process, by denying yourself the happiness you deserve. Why put yourself through all this?
I was going to say something similar. Far be it from me to suggest that anyone has to come out of the closet on anything but their own terms and time, but reading the OP it did strike me that allowing yourself to look for more appropriate relationship targets could potentially have an suppressing effect on this situation you seem to be repeating. It might help if these guys weren't literally the only thing you ever let yourself get close enough to latch on to (I'm being presumptuous here, but that is my read on things from what you posted). You don't mention your thoughts about the possibility of trying to come out at all, so it's hard to know what obstacles might be there for you. It doesn't even have to be at work, but there is real value in allowing yourself to look for people to be in a relationship with that are capable of offering something back to you in return.
Diego, I have been through this many times- go through my old posts if you need to believe me. Like you, I have been supervisory positions and have had younger guys look to me for help and ultimately befriend me. It's an extremely frustrating situation. I have always hoped that I might meet another guy who isn't out and that we would connect but with time I have learned that that is very unlikely to happen. Even if you meet a guy who isn't totally straight or might be questioning, the chances that you are meeting him at a time when he is ready to deal with that are somewhat slim. That said, I have come out to a few people. I have a very long way to go still and this process is progressing quite slowly. But I have found that even being a little more open has given me the chance to meet more men who are capable of reciprocating attraction and emotion. And when you have a guy that you know is also gay, it's a world of difference. Like aboutface said, I don't know what obstacles you face with coming out, but don't consider becoming a hermit a good option. It's funny because I feel like with most of these things I have struggled with on here, the answer always ends up being: come out of the closet. And I think that's because the closet is a source of major problems. You are an apparently successful guy and these guys are latching onto you because you presumably have more than an ounce of personality- give yourself some credit! I hope this helps. If nothing else, know that you are most certainly not alone.
I am still in the closet, but I met a young guy on social media and had a nice dinner Sunday night. Not sure it was exactly a date, I kind of set the parameters in the beginning that I wasn't looking for a hookup, and probably wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I just said I was looking for a friend. Maybe if you could (carefully) meet someone in that way. I know there are risks to meeting people that way. But there are ways to take precautions. I hope this guy and I will become good friends. We talked for hours, and it seemed a huge relief just to share stuff with him that has been on my mind.
friendship is always such a great place to start! and especially friendships outside of work, so things aren't clouded or influenced by work and power relationships. it's also a good way to reduce the risk of meeting someone on line. meeting for dinner in a public place is definitely safer than getting naked in your or someone else's bedroom on the first meeting.
