I don't really know what I hope to achieve by posting here but thought it might help to at least put something down in writing. I am almost 40 and have struggled as long as I can remember about being gay. It wasnt until 4 years ago I met another man and begun a relationship. Before this I had never been with a man or even spoke about being gay with anyone. I just lived my life in complete denial and tried to keep busy. I had very few friends and my family never asked anything. Since I met someone I did initally feel a bit better about life and managed to tell my mum and dad and sister but no one else. I asked them to tell no one and they have always respected that. They know how I struggled most of my life but we have never really spoken about it. Over the last 4 years I have carried on with life as if nothing has changed really, I have told no one else about my relationship and that has eventually taken its toll. I feel like I am living some kind of double life that no one knows about apart from my parents and sister. The few friends I did have I have more or less cut contact with as the guilt of lying to them or fear of being found out was too much. When people ask what I have done at the weekend I have to lie or at least be vague. I know its wrong and its slowly eating away at me but there is nothing I can do about it. And I know I am starting to resent my partner for making me feel like this. He is out but lives quite far away from me so its easier for me to be discreet. I grew up and still live in a small town, and grew up with homophopic comments on an almost weekly basis. I do realise this has affected how I think and feel, I always felt so embarrassed. I dont think I will ever be able to live completely free and honest and think the easiest thing is to be on my own so I dont have to lie to anyone or live some kind of double life. I know I am not alone, I have read other messages. It just helps me to put it in writing and I would be interested in anyone elses stories.
Don't put soo much baggage on yourself. This is why I say sometimes being selfish is the only way to live this life. You have two things most of the LGBT community would kill for; A good relationship and accepting and respecting family. So what if others think you are less than a man suppose to be. You are loved by who matters most. They can take it or leave it. You don't need to come out officially to anyone. Just tell casually you have a boyfriend if matter arise. I also let some of my friends let go because I thought they wouldn't understand or accept me. However now I am feeling I was a douchebag as I didn't even offer them a chance to stand for themselves, for me. Being judge, jury and executioner never works for one person. We need different points of view to see things clearer. I understand your fear of being judged but human flesh/soul is cheeky. After a while it gets used to every kind of awkward situation. If you are any chance like me, the one who can't do a sh*t for themselves, then do it for your partner and for your family. While trying to live your little lie, you also force them to live a lie with you. This is what I would do tho'. Don't force yourself for something that doesn't in your nature.
You seem to be very aware of your situation. Does the urge to write on EC mean something inside is saying it is time to make some changes? Being closeted in small towns ... Been there... They can screw you up because of the micro- managing of your life that is required just to get by, the white lies, the avoiding, the self imposed isolation. Depression lurks in these sorts of places and you don't derserve that. Do you think you can contemplate making some more significant changes to take things up a notch. Have you thought of therapies or counselling? Have you ever wondered what made you so private about your sexuality?
I agree with White Knight. You have a family that loves and accepts you. That is huge! I assume you and your partner are doing OK other than this issue? If so, why throw it away? While I am married to a woman, I am bi aND have only let a handful of people in on that secret. I wish to God my family could be some of them. You know your situation better than we do, but throw away happiness because of what others think.
You are right, I am very aware of my situation. Ironically, apart from this I feel I am quite self assured and of sound mind! I know there are people with a lot worse to deal with so I do get annoyed with myself. But the reality is I do have a major problem with my sexuality, or at least anyone finding out. Partly I suppose I am embarrassed that I am in my late 30's and haven't been able to be open before now. And I worry people would think I wasnt who I have pretended to be and a bit of a liar. But I think it mostly stems from growing up being called derogatory names and me being adamant I would prove them all wrong by not being gay. And the irony is not lost on me that most people thought I was gay, probably before I even knew. But as I carried on not having any kind of relationships throughout my 20s and early 30s, I didnt have to come out to anyone and just laughed off any comments about when was I going to get married or settle down. I couldnt care less now about the bullying throughout my school years and later, I realise they are the ones with the problem. But I guess I am left unable to be completely open about who I am. ---------- Post added 15th Dec 2014 at 07:18 PM ---------- Yes, I have, and I did for a while. But I still found it impossible to be open with work colleagues. When some people asked about girlfriends, I still couldnt be open. So while I appreciate that its easier in cities than small towns, it doesnt get rid of my feelings or inability to be truthful.
Hi Freeman, I'm glad you found here (ec) and hope that reading and posting here gives you some connection with the wider lgbt community, and that this gives you some ideas as to how to resolve the challenge of your situation. I can relate to not being out much; where I live it's pretty conservative. I've hardly told anyone at all, but then again I don't really know many folks anyway so in my case that's not such a burden. But if you interact with a lot of people I can see how maintaining the secrecy would be tiresome and stressful. (*hug*)
Life is funny. You have come out to the people whom I think it is hardest to come out to. Well, them and a straight spouse. But I lived in a small town of about 5,000 people in rural Appalachia, and I know how difficult that can be, and how that can affect your life and your work circumstances and even continued employment. I have one friend who came out there, but he eventually got a job in a medium sized city in the mid-west. a big improvement, but not big enough; so I'm sure he'll move again after a few years. On the other hand, I have another friend who everyone thought was gay, and in fact he is, but he didn't come out because of fear. and I would say a well-founded fear. Living in a big city makes it easy, but if that's not your thing, well, life is a series of trade offs. The thing in a big city is that life is a bit more anonymous. One can be out there, but not really talk about personal life at work. Or one can be out there, talk about everything, bring your partner to company events, and rejoice in the freedom to live life just like everybody else. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of, but there is no shortage of people who are happy to try to make us feel that way. My choice would definitely be the big city and living openly with the partner. but making that leap is hard for me too, so I'm down with the OP.
I think it can be really difficult to feel you have to hide that aspect of yourself. It is great that you have your family's support but I can totally understand that it's tough on you to feel you have to hide from nearly everybody else. I don't have any really great advice for you unfortunately but it's OK to feel bad and complain about things you don't like about your life, even if there are other aspects where you're fortunate. And having to hide yourself is a pretty big thing I think.
