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Hating myself tonight

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SouthernGeek, Dec 15, 2014.

  1. SouthernGeek

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    I don't know if I'm looking for support, or if I just need to vent. I went to a therapist last week, and I have another appointment this week. I'm not sure if i can make it to Thursday. Okay, maybe I can. But I'm really not sure.

    I'm just going through a lot of self-loathing tonight and I really think it sucks being all alone. I have no idea who I am any more, or what I am.

    Yesterday my wife said she wanted to stop seeing me. We are separated but "working on" things. We had a blow up Sunday morning.

    But then after I thought about things I realized that maybe she is right, that we can't be together -- and this part has nothing to do with orientation. I love her and I hate her, all at once.

    So then for some reason I logged into ********** and started looking at women and imagining a "do-over." There is a part of me that is longing to start from scratch, yet I'm too old to do that. I dreamt of meeting a women who was still in child bearing age and having another child.

    So what the hell is going on? Am I gay, bi, straight? I went to dinner with a 21 year old gay guy last night. I met him on one of those "hook-up" apps, but I laid out the conditions that I wasn't looking for a hookup but a friend. We talked and I bought dinner and beer, it was good, and I can see him being a friend.

    And yet, I've done "things" with guys, so I guess that ain't exactly straight.

    I'm sorry for rambling. I just needed to put this in writing to gush out what I'm feeling right now. I'm so used to being the strong one. For God's sake people used to come to me for help, I'm not supposed to be this way. And now I feel deserted, all alone, adrift in this mess I've made of things.
     
  2. shinji

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    There are no strong people, only weak ones who lack the strength to face their fears, to open up about what is bothering them and to admit when they need help, and you my friend are not one of them.

    Life is too short to waste your time and emotions on people who simply don't deserve them. I am obviously referring to your wife here... Live in the moment, see what you want from life and just reach for it.
     
  3. CubbieBlue

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    You're not alone. As a matter of fact, your story aoinds like mine a little bit. It sounds like you like guys and gals. Romantically? Sexually? Both? I don't know and you might not yet eithe, and that's okay.

    I told my wife last month that I like guys and their packages. It was tough. We're seeing where it goes. She has her cold days and her "I love you days." But like you, we actually fight a lot and if we split, it might only be partially due to my sexuality.

    I needed to label myself at first. It sounds like you might be trying to do the same. I'm not trying to label mysef anymore, just trying to figure out what and who I like.

    What do you want?
     
  4. SouthernGeek

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    I want to stop feeling like a loser. I feel like a reprobate. I mean geez, I'm a 45 year-old father, and I'm having relations with 18-21 year olds?

    I want to feel like there is hope in life again. I just feeling like throwing in the towel.
     
  5. womaninamber

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    Marital issues and separations are really difficult. I went through a divorce and there were times I could barely get out of bed in the morning and face my life. I blamed myself for everything that had gone wrong. (I still do really...)

    So don't be too hard on yourself. You're going through a lot and it can be really hard, but you shouldn't hate yourself. (I know that's easy to say but not to do.)

    And in my personal opinion there's nothing wrong with taking a 21-year-old out to dinner. He's a grown man and he can make his own decisions on what he wants to do.
     
  6. clovis

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    i was at the counsellor tonight with my wife... your situation sounds very similar, we have been talking separation for a month or so... but it was never final... its final now... and its hard... I have been with her for 20 years... and my coming out to her was a big shock to her! my thoughts are all over the place... its so tough...
     
  7. SouthernGeek

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    I feel for you. I know it's not easy.

    I can't stand to let my daughter go through this. I've been trying to figure out a way out that would save the embarrassment and the disappointment of my daughter. I'm just out of options.

    I keep telling myself that this depression is only temporary. I'd call somebody but I really don't feel like talking to some hotline. How depressed must you be to call 911? Damn, I can't imagine the shame -- I live in a small town and people will know.

    I don't think I'm that desparate but I'm really not sure. I can't think of anything sure-fired so I don't think I'm going to do anything to hurt myself. I mean, I must not want to or I wouldn't be talking about it, isn't that a cry for help? So that alone makes me think it's not urgent enough to get help.

    I just over analyze every damn thing. It's no wonder I'm a basket case.
     
  8. womaninamber

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    If you think you need help then you need help. Talking about it doesn't mean you would never do it, unfortunately, and if you feel that bad I really think you should seek help. A hotline can be really helpful and can also help evaluate what's going on and whether you are a danger to yourself. I'm sorry to sound so pushy but I've been there.
     
  9. MOGUY

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    SouthernGeek, Clovis, CubbieBlue: Hello. I'm a newbie here and your stories sound incredibly similar. I'm 55 and finally came out two years ago to my wife after years of hiding my feelings and bouts of depression. We went to a therapist for several sessions until I said no more. He was trying to convince me that my dad (now deceased) was sexually abusing me as a child and I was suppressing the memories. It never happened and I changed therapists, thank God! We are still married and will celebrate our 37th anniversary in a few months. I don't have everything figured out but there's no more shame and guilt.
     
  10. SouthernGeek

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    Maybe you are right. I just really don't want anyone to know. I don't want anything that would bring unnecessary attention, and I don't want to waste time of someone who could be helping someone worse off. I'm about two more bottles from a drunken stupor where I can't hurt myself if i wanted to. At least the pain is dull and almost numb now.
     
  11. womaninamber

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    I can totally understand not wanting anyone to know. But a regular hotline isn't going to automatically send someone out to your house so that other people would see. That would only happen if you're in immediate danger. And the hotline people aren't going to judge you, they've heard everything.

    But I'm not going to talk about this anymore because I really don't want to sound like I'm ordering you around. I'm just concerned because of the way you're talking.

    I don't mean to say something this cheesy, but about a year and a half ago I thought my life was horrible and might as well be over and now my life is a lot better. So I think there's hope.
     
  12. Damien

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    I'm just trying to make it though this day. I regret not being able to offer advice, only empathy. I hope you can hold on to whatever spark of kindness for yourself you can find. (*hug*)
     
  13. Wildside

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    hey, that's what we're all here for. People still come to me for spiritual counseling, and they get something they need. But that doesn't change the fact that I need somewhere to turn as well. and if I don't seek out the answers that I need in my own life, then I become a fraud and a hypocrite. before we can feed others, we must be fed. so that's why I am here. I came here to EC at the end of my rope. but I keep finding the support and the concern here that I need. it's only in admitting our weakness that we find strength. I am very glad that you are here. sharing our stories is such a gift!
     
  14. Spaceman

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    Hey man, sorry you're going through such a tough time. You have to remember that it's only temporary. The only constant is change and you're not going to feel like this forever.

    Here's a phone number and website for the GLBT national hotline. I called it twice I my early stages of coming out. It's completely anonymous and it was a great help. The hotline hours are on the website.

    888-843-4564
    GLBT National Help Center
     
  15. greatwhale

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    As a volunteer at the gay hotline here in Montreal, I cannot stress enough that it helps quite a lot to give them a call, it is amazing how just having someone who is there to listen makes things significantly better in the short time that the conversation takes place. Call them, don't hesitate.

    Your last sentence in the Opening Post was revealing. You stated you were always the strong one. Well, in this case, being strong will be your undoing...it's like quicksand, the more vigorously you struggle, the faster you will sink.

    Your strength has maintained things for far longer than they needed to, and it is your strength that is leading you to heroic thoughts of a "do-over". I also went through my marriage, especially as it was ending, with the idea that all I needed to do was to find the "right" woman.

    It was in the stillness and quiet of an early morning now almost two years ago, without all the "noise" and vigorous self-repression, that I could finally listen to that still, small voice, telling me what should have been obvious a long time ago: I am gay.
     
  16. SouthernGeek

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    I received an email from my therapist a few minutes ago stating that after preparing my treatment plan that she felt that with the issues I am dealing with I would be better off seeing a male clinician. Here is her email:
    I live in a rural area, and it's not like there are a plethora of options. And now I really don't feel like spilling my guts to yet somebody else and risk rejection. I feel like my wheels have fallen off and I'm stuck.

    It's like I was hanging on until Thursday, and now that's gone. Am I beyond help?
     
  17. Wildside

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    You're definitely not beyond help, but this is another blow that you definitely didn't need. You may really want to give that hotline number a call. I can't see where the gender of the therapist should make a difference, but the "lack of qualifications" certainly would. I think that she may be using a code word for saying there is a much deeper problem on her part, so you're probably better off finding someone else; but the timing is awful. I live in a fairly large metropolitan area, and I have looked at the Psychology Today list for my area. It is helpful, and it gives you a chance to look at what they say their specialties are. Interestingly, the ones who seem most focused on LGBT issues are women, usually younger, but their gender makes no difference to me. In fact, it could be a plus, because it eliminates the risk of me having any kind of feelings for them (if I get an erection in counseling, I will know that it is because of what I am telling about, and not because the therapist is my type!). So, yeah, take a look at the Psychology Today site and see if there are any specific references to LGBT issues on the therapists in your area. I'm guessing that there are only a handful of options, maybe less, but if one of them lists that, they are certainly your best bet. And I understand that you are not likely to get an appointment by Thursday, so the goal posts have been moved. Two interim responses are the hotline 888-843-4564 GLBT National Help Center and also, if you feel like you may be at risk of harming yourself or having suicidal thoughts, then tell them about that, and tell the doctor that you need emergency attention. Your posts don't sound like that, but I just want to get that out there for you, or for anyone else reading who might feel that way. I have been there, and I am grateful for the people who intervened.

    ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2014 at 12:24 PM ----------

    Thank you so very very much for posting this information. I have saved it to my contacts, for myself and for anyone else who might need it!!!!! :thumbsup::eusa_clap
     
    #17 Wildside, Dec 16, 2014
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2014
  18. SouthernGeek

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    Thank you for the encouragement. I did send an email request to a counselor who happens to be male and also lists LGBT issues as one of his specialties. Let's see if I get a call back.

    To make it worse things are really grinding on me at work and I just can't get everything done. I just can't handle this pressure and the timing sucks.