Hiya, I posted a little a couple of months ago but since then have been swamped with real life issues, including the death of a parent, just after coming out to my husband. For those of you who don't remember me which is pretty much all, I expect - I had suppressed a supposed bi-side for a very long time only to realise after 16 years with my husband that I am a lesbian. This was back in August and I came out to him almost immediately that I realised. Everything suddenly made a lot more sense than it ever had and the depression I had struggled with for the last 20 years or so of my life lifted and has not been seen since. However, it has now been replaced with extreme anxiety. My husband and I have three children, I am not out to them yet, or any other family, except my mother, who I told in a moment of weakness and who initially responded well but then slid a bit the next day when she started to take in the wider implications. I have found myself in a very heightened state of self-awareness since I first came out - and feel like I'm constantly jiggling jigsaw pieces from the past and fitting them into the jigsaw of me. Some of the pieces don't fit now, and won't go back in the jigsaw. But they aren't the sort of pieces you can throw away. To some degree, it is a very cleansing process. It's also unavoidably a very selfish one, but that's not necessarily a bad thing. My problem, if it can even be called that, is my marriage. My husband has been beyond supportive, even with the pain it is causing him, he still insists I am not to feel guilty because the me he was married to was broken and now I'm like a different person. When I feel ok with myself, I am glowing and happy. But when I look at him, and realise quite what a sacrifice he is making for my happiness, I can't help but feel guilty. Every morning, I am waking up next to him feeling like the bottom fell out of my stomach. He says he gets the same feeling. We have a solid and genuine love and affection for one another and are absolutely on the same page about our kids. I have somewhat of a dilemma though and I think it's contributing to the anxiety levels. Having come out to my mother, which took the news outside of the immediate protective bubble it was in, I am not yet inclined to start telling other friends and family. Partly because of the recent bereavement, and partly because of other factors, mother-in-law being in her mid eighties and a serious worrier, kids being unable to keep a secret at the age they are, and also not wanting to make them keep a secret like this as though it's something to be ashamed of. I realised recently that in my mental rehearsals for coming out, I was preparing myself to support other people to try and understand, and to take on all their feelings about the news and make it all better for them. I don't have the mental strength to do that, and nor do I want to spend endless hours having to feel like I am justifying my own existence. DH is very much of the mind that I should come out when the time is right for me, but I know each time I do it will chip at him a little more. Even though he absolutely understands that this is nothing to do with him, it's still hard for him to come to terms with our marriage as it was ending. We will always be best friends and for the foreseeable future we won't be living apart - but our marriage as was is now gone and can't be brought back to life. So we are in this half-limbo that I know would be immediately cleared if I came out fully but would also be incredibly devastating if not handled properly and I'm not yet convinced I'm emotionally strong enough to work out how to do that yet. Does this instability eventually ease? Is it even a normal state of affairs for the situation I am in, or should I be seeking medical input? I've never come out as a lesbian before so it's all a bit new. Input as always gratefully recieved. Xx
Hi, I don't really have any useful advice to give you, but just wanted to say that I fully understand a lot of what you're going through. I've also recently come out to my husband who is also being very supportive. I am about to go down to my home city to speak to my family about the fact that we're getting divorced and also the reasons why (which of course means coming out to them). It's tremendously daunting, I know. Given your recent bereavement, perhaps go easy on yourself with this and take all the time you need to. I know it feels like you just want to get it over with, just tell people so you can stop living a lie. But give yourself the space you need to feel whatever it is you need to feel. As for the living together and stability thing, well, my hubby and I are still living together right now but we've acknowledged that we need to change that as soon as feasible so we can both have the space we need to figure things out. We don't have kids however, so your situation is a bit different. Whatever you decide, know that there are others going through this right now as well. I know how much it hurts and how much it sucks. Hugs, FoxSong
I identify with so much of your story. I'm a married gay man I have been out to my wife for over seven years. (We have no children - her decision.) She loves me very much. Like your husband she wants me to be happy. She knows that I love her but I'm not "attracted" to her, and that hurts her. I have been attending a support group for gay married for a number of years. Most of the guys have gone through the separation/divorce process and found it difficult, even the amicable ones. The process has been described as a slow-motion car crash. Any of them that went to therapy, either individual or couples therapy, found it very helpful, but they had to search to find a good therapist that had an understanding of their situation. Those that came out to their children, generally but not always, had very good experiences. Children these days appear to have no problem with people being gay and can't understand what all the fuss is about! The reaction one parent got when he came out to his kids was "We’ve known for years. We were just wondering when you would tell us" another reaction was "So who will be driving me to school?" Most of the guys that have gone through the divorce process have found a more stable and better life for everyone at the end of it. As for me we've decided to stay married as we feel the relationship we have with is an excellent one. The lack of sex is a big problem for both of us but no relationship is perfect. All I can say is find a support group or structure to help you through this difficult process. (*hug*)
Thankyou both of you I am in contact with my local LGBT network and they have been very helpful and supportive. So much so that I'm going to start training to be a counsellor in Spring so that I can volunteer there with LGBT teens and young adults, and maybe even people who find themselves in the same position as me. Part of me thinks putting off telling the kids until they are outside of the nightmare of being different at school is the right thing to do for them - my primary job as mother is to protect them from harm, but equally to be honest with them is as much a priority. It's a quandary. I don't want them to feel ashamed to be who they are and I fear by not being open with them that's exactly the message I am giving them. Foxsong is right, I need to give myself time to find the answers. There's a fine line between honesty and appropriate for the circumstances - and I think at the moment the latter aspect is winning due to the otherwise unstable situation of our changing marriage. To some degree, I feel that we could continue as we are indefinitely because we do get on insanely well - but I'm not sure whether that is the right reason to do so for us, he could find someone else who loves him in all the right ways, not just some of them, and I don't want to hold him back from that if it happens out of some sort of loyalty to our marriage. To be clear, I absolutely applaud you for successfully remaining in your marriage, YermanTom, as its right for you both to remain married and to some degree that's true for us too, so few mixed orientation marriages survive that those that do should be celebrated for their total acceptance of one another. I'm just weighing up the alternatives and trying to work out what is the right path for me, and for us, and for our wider family. I am so torn. Ripping my family apart for my own personal peace of mind doesn't seem like a fair trade off, but then my own peace of mind is kinda important too. It's been so troubled for so long, catching a glimmer of what it's actually like to have peace of mind is like seeing the bucket of gold at the end of the rainbow but knowing that those riches remain just beyond your reach no matter how close you think you are to them. It really does suck at times. But the important bit, I know now.
When I came out, I immediately told my wife. It was very hard on her at first, but progressed and decided to amicably seperate. We waited a few months to tell our kids and at that point I simultaneously moved out. It was indeed an extremely difficult first 12 months. The next 6 months were better, and the last six months have progressed well. My ex wife is strong, independent and is getting on with her life. We remain in close contact as we have two wonderful children in their late teens. Our kids, as you stated, were and remain resilient. Of course they are going through normal teenage girl angst, but they are accepting of their father being gay and have adjusted well to having their parents live apart (although it has helped that we live only a few blocks away from each other). For me, I needed to be able to live completely open, honest with myself and with everyone else. My ex wife and I debated if we should stay together, but concluded neither one of us would find happiness that way - it would have been a bandaid on a wound that never healed. With us separating, the wound is now able to heal and we can both move on in a healthy way.
That's the bit of me I am having trouble reconciling OnTheHighway - the part that needs to openly accept and authenticate myself with the part that wants to protect the ones I love. DH and I have been relatively co-dependant all these years and extricating ourselves from that level of involvement is going to be extremely hard. We have reached the point now, where we are able to be very open with one another, even when it's tough to say or hear - but also its been really freeing, for example the other night we could have a couple of drinks and be relaxed enough to sit there drooling over Taylor Swift videos and for me to be able to refer to one of the mums at my kids school as being desirable enough that I could happily "wear her as a hat". And he's being more open with me about what he likes, which he never had before, for fear of setting off one of my insecurities about my own appearance. I have no regrets about my past, if it hadn't taken the path it has, I wouldn't be able to feel what I am feeling now and yet still have the children and love and laughter in my life that they and DH both bring. I'm kind of just letting the universe bring what it brings me for a bit - it's definitely sending me pointers but it's being able to hear and accept them and allow them to happen that's the bit that requires me to be strong, and let go.
Glad to hear you do not have any regrets. As you should not have any! When I was with my ex wife, there was a high degree of dependency from her to me, but I was actually rather numb throughout the marriage. I loved her and our kids, but really struggled providing any emotional support otherwise. Today, I find I can provide more emotional support to all three of them than I did when we were all together. ---------- Post added 16th Dec 2014 at 02:22 PM ---------- Just also looking at the title of your thread "How to wind down a marriage?" Are you looking to wind it down and end the marriage?
in the detaching emotionally sense yes, certainly. We are determined to do our best to co-parent successfully and are not in the financial position to physically split up at this point but our relationship as was has been irrevocably altered and can't be fixed. We still share a bed and most aspects of our lives and are affectionate and friendly towards one another, but that's it. He wouldn't be able to go back to how it was before any more than I would. I'm kind of excited with my new reality but that is tempered with all the doubts that go with coming out - and how to do so with children in the mix and an ageing mother-in-law who would be genuinely devastated - she is an amazing woman and she might well understand, I think, but I don't want unburdening me to be a burden for her - and if I come out to my kids, there is inevitably the chance that she will find out without being told. Even just our marriage breaking down would be a big strain on her - her son has been a little wayward at times and she feels reassured and secure that he's with me and will be ok once she's gone. He will, of course, but maybe not in the way she envisages. It's just so flipping complicated.
Actually, your making perfect sense. Not having the financial freedom can certainly limit your options. When I was still at home, before I moved out, my ex and I agreed to sleep apart. While our kids were unaware of what was going on, we always found an excuse why one would sleep in another room. After I told them, they looked back and it made sense. Your making the best out of the circumstances you find yourself under.
We are certainly trying to. But that's very reassuring that you view it that way, from the inside its been an absolute maelstrom of emotions and laughter and tears and my fear is that we are prolonging that by maintaining the illusion. It is the best we can do under the circumstances and agonising over something we can't nor are ready to yet do anything about seems futile. I'm battling two people - the middle aged mum who was resigned to living with depression and anxiety of unknown source forever as it seemed unfixable, and the giddy teenager who has a renewed excitement about living and feeling and being. Balancing the two is going to be the key to it all - although if the depression would stay buggered off and the anxiety would follow suit that would greatly help! Thanks
You both understand the circumstances you find yourself in, go out, have a date and try and enjoy yourself!
