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I don't know why I can't deal with this.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by womaninamber, Dec 17, 2014.

  1. womaninamber

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    This questioning is freaking me out way too much. I'm losing sleep, I'm feeling physically ill. And there's no damn reason for it -- I'm not married or in a relationship and my kid doesn't care one way the other. I mean there are people here in really difficult situations who need support way more than I do.

    But my mind jumps all over from "straight" to "bi" to "lesbian" and it's making me so freaked out. I'm not even sure what I'm scared of at this point (not being straight? being straight? coming out?) but the tension is horrible.

    Obviously there's more going on than just me questioning my sexuality. I do have depression and OCD and I'm sure they're contributing to this. But thinking about that just bounces my mind back to "you see! you're straight and a huge fake, it's just your OCD."

    I have an appointment with my therapist on Tuesday. She already has an opinion about this -- she definitely doesn't think I'm straight -- and she's not really any kind of expert on sexuality issues. But maybe she can help me calm down.

    I should probably take a break from thinking and talking about it, but that's just really hard for me to do right now. I mean a hundred people could tell me I don't need a label and I definitely don't need to decide this now, and they'd all be right but my brain is just not listening.

    I'm sorry for the angsty post. I just really needed to get this out.
     
  2. wanderinggirl

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    I definitely had a (long long long) phase of bouncing from bi to straight to gay. I got hung up on labels. I had thought that "figuring out" my label would solve a lot of problems in my life; but ultimately it doesn't, and pressure to figure out one label actually detracts from my ability to figure out the rest of my ish.

    Go easy on yourself. Figuring out an identity that works for you won't instantly solve everything.
     
  3. womaninamber

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    Yeah, that's definitely true. But I'm so sick of telling myself I'm straight and should shut up about it, when I don't really think that's true. (Not that you are telling me that's what I should do!) Except there's that voice inside me saying, "But you are straight and you should shut up about it." And for some reason it's just really hard for me to let go of the issue, even though if there a magical way to know 100% for sure it still wouldn't even make a huge difference in my life.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    You are not "questioning" you are denying and suppressing the identity you are seeking.

    You may as well ask why a puppy chases its tail but finally stops when it accepts its own tail.

    Does the label matter? No matter how far you run there you are. So be you.

    Tom
     
  5. OOC73

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    Have you ever considered the reverse? That not being sure about who you are is contributing to your depression and OCD - rather than the other way around?

    Depression is a combination of symptoms, with much to be understood about the cause.

    I've suffered with it for most of my life now and whilst I still have anxiety after realising my true sexuality, the depressive side of me is nowhere to be seen because I have a solid base of truth now on which to base my thoughts and feelings.
    You will work it out when you are ready to. Don't put pressure on yourself to know now because you might not yet have all the answers. Skiff is spot on, you don't need a label to be yourself, just open your mind to possibilities, explore how you respond to the thoughts you have and see where it takes you in terms of who you might feasibly be attracted to.

    It will all be ok one way or the other. Xxx
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    While it's interesting your therapist has an opinion, what really matters is what your opinion is and how you find closure with your own identity. There does not seem to be any current third party relationship holding you back, so you need to understand what it is that keeps you from holding yourself back.
     
  7. pennylane1988

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    I felt the same way for a while when I was questioning myself and my anxiety levels were abnormally high. I tried to convince myself I was straight and what I was going through was just a phase. It wasn't. If you need to convince yourself you are something, it's probably because you're not. In my opinion, you already know what you are.

    Yep. You don't need labels, but I can relate to what you say. I needed one. It's comforting to know what you are. At least it was for me when my overthinking decides to strike back.
     
  8. skiff

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    Hi,

    Nobody needs a label as labels are so subjective. What is gay? Effeminate, masculine, bear, twink, and 1000 different stereotypes. All of them are useless crap.

    It comes down to who do you fall passionately, romantically in love with; men woman both? The rest is subjective. Sex is sex, love is love and neurochemically sex bolsters love and bonding with your predisposition.

    If it was all avout sex I would be with my wife still.

    Sex is like a compass it points at your true north, the compass is a guide, not the destination.

    Tom
     
  9. Melanie

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    To me this post really hits at the core, but if someone said this to me while I was questioning I would get all defensive... thats just me.

    In my journey the knee-jerk reactions (theres no way I am gay) were about not wanting to admit to myself what I knew was true. I came to this site knowing. I felt like I had to mull things over and be SURE, but in retrospect it was more about surrender. Wavin' that rainbow surrender flag :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  10. skiff

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    Victory flag!

    You reached the finish lune and took the checkered flag.

    Hindsight is 20/20 and you cannot give that perspective to those still running the race.
     
  11. piano71

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    That is why I like a phrase invented in the African-American community: Same-Gender Loving. It separates love from the stereotypes of gay/lesbian.
     
  12. womaninamber

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    Thank you for the support everyone. These are some important thoughts, and I really appreciate you sharing with me. I think it's true that I do know what I am and don't want to admit it, but right now it's too confusing to just live and try to work that out. Not sure why, it just is. And though I've had OCD since I was a little kid I do think it's being exacerbated by this, as opposed to being the source of it.

    I'm feeling a little better this morning (partly because I finally got a good night's sleep). I know that by nighttime I'll probably feel confused and stressed again, but meanwhile I'm going to keep occupied. Thank you again.
     
  13. jay777

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    If this is not too far fetched for you, for your compulsive thoughts you might try for once the following:
    ask in your mind an angel or whatever... to take those thoughts away from you... trust that it is so... this might help you calm down and get in a relaxed state.

    Don't ask why, for some it helped... subconsciously creating a safe space or whatever...

    This does not take away the need to deal with depression or other things.

    But it might give you some calmness and relaxation of mind.


    (*hug*)
     
  14. Wildside

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    I definitely second wanderinggirls advice that you not be too hard on yourself. It is interesting that your therapist has such a definite opinion. I often longer for some clear response like that, rather than always tossing the ball back into my court. well, I went through all that waivering back and forth, confusion, doubt, denial. At one point, though, I just reflected on the pattern of my life, connected the dots, and when it hit me I was standing in front of a bathroom mirror at a hotel. And I said, "I am gay." That's just my experience, and we each have our own unique story. But sometimes there are patterns in our life that we just need to put together. I've started my first honest journal as a continuing effort to reinforce the story of my life so that I don't ever try to run from it again. that has been torture, and it is a phase of my life that I don't want to revisit. (&&&)
     
  15. BlackCat3929

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    I look at myself from this perspective. Labels cannot define a person's heart. We love who we love regardless of gender. I do love my husband, and would have considered myself straight until a few years ago, but clearly I'm not straight if I have strong desire to be intimate with women. I haven't acted on those urges save a few outlets (my writing, craziness at a strip club, etc). But I've come to accept that I am lesbian who just happens to be married to a man I care deeply about. Getting myself to the point where I can get a divorce hasn't happened yet. But something has to give before I go mental so I feel your pain.
     
  16. laut

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    Tell that voice to go eff itself. Every time it says it. Tell yourself it's ok to not know, it's ok to not be straight - it's ok for YOU to not be straight, as much as it is for anyone else not to be.
     
  17. womaninamber

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    BlackCat3929 I know you are in a much more difficult position than I am but I appreciate your sympathy a lot! I also loved my husband, but it's hard for me to deal with the idea of bisexuality.

    What's weird is that when I tell my story a certain way, it sounds like massive denial. "Well, I separated from my husband because I thought I was in love with another woman but I went back, but then I didn't want to have sex with my husband so we agreed to divorce." Except I never actually got physical with the other woman and I don't think I was really in love either. And I had other reasons for not having sex with my husband, and I ended up in an online relationship with a man, and and and and...

    So instead of thinking "Why am I in such denial?" I think things like "Oh, you just wanted out of the marriage and used sexuality as an excuse."

    But yeah, I really need to learn how to make that voice shut up. Even if I am straight I can't beat myself up like that.