[…usual apology for length...] So I've been here 7 months now and thought I would go through what progress I've made. I was going to separate my thoughts/experiences out by the stages of grief but I'm not sure I have gone or am going or will go through them because I honestly don't equate what I'm going through with grief. Maybe due to my situation the stages are miniturized but the only one I truly recognize is Acceptance. I can't honestly say I'm totally there yet but it's the only one I recognize in me. My situation, briefly: I have no religious or conservative baggage to tell me this is wrong. (Is this where Denial comes in?) I have no relationship from which I need untangling. And don't care that I'm not with a man. (No Anger? Bargaining?) While not specifically LGBTQ-related, I've always been a live-and-let-live kind of person and if it doesn't impact you personally, butt out. I'm, frankly, quite pleased that there's a proper explanation for what could have, just as easily, been explained as me being a loser. (No Depression?) So, Acceptance. When I first got here, I wasn't even able to type the words gay or lesbian in reference to me. It was all "not straight". And while I'm not out in the least in real life, I've managed to use both these words around my family while joking about myself. ("I don't mind if you call me 'gay'." and "Starting tomorrow, I'm a lesbian.") Not the most mature way to present it but that's all I can handle at the moment. We simply don't do deep conversations. Ugh. Back in the beginning, I actually found an LGBTQ club and emailed them and went to a meeting. I really was not ready. While sitting on the sidelines waiting for it to start, I noticed there were no women that night and the group seemed to be getting filmed for a television spot (which I later saw). So, yeah, not great. Left before it began. I have since done a bit more research for stuff in my city and looking at the resource centre's website found that they have no fewer than a dozen groups, one specifically for women exploring their identities from a number of angles. I'm seriously thinking of checking it out in the new year. For some reason I think doing this before partaking in an LGBTQ social endeavour would be better. Yes? No? Maybe? As suggested, I've let me mind wander and just tell me what I like, uninhibited. And, yes, there are some enticing looking women out there. And being hot and bothered seems only to be triggered by thoughts of being with women. And, no, still nothing from men. I also had a strange feeling about this friendly acqaintance who I know is a lesbian. I gave her a tip about something once. A second friend (straight - feel weird I have to qualify now), mentioned in an email how the first friend told her that with that tip I changed her life. Now, normally, I would think, "Hey, cool. She appreciated what I told her." But now, I've wondered, "Did she really say that? Did I really have that type of impact on her? Does she think there's something special about me now?" but also, "Did friend two just phrase it like that because she's a super kind person and she's just expressing how she thinks I'm a genius?" (Her words, not mine.) I, of course, realize this is all too juvenile and the feelings pass but I did have them briefly, so… The one thing that concerns me is that I've started to fabricate stories in my head about how I'm going to explain things when I actually start venturing out. Just to the group activities and meetups and whatnot but still… I'm hoping by the time I'm actually dating, I will be out enough not to have to lie about it. Is this the closet? Am I going from "Didn't know I needed a closet" to "In the closet" before getting to be "Out"? I don't do lies. It's a disconcerting feeling. You could almost say I'm a serial sharer. Stick around long enough, you'll know more about my quirky thoughts than you care to. So... there you have it. Am I almost there yet?
I can't say if your almost there, but you definitely on the journey. Not sure there is a specific path or timeline to follow, accept to conline to follow your heart, gut and head. Will there a bit of two step forward and three steps back? Sure, as you have encountered, but you also will have days with five steps forward. Only you will know when you have arrived.
Ahhhh.... Your entanglement rears its head... Fabricating to make LGBT palatable to your society. Go for it, best detangler is bedrock truth. Tom
You're right, Tom. As I was typing that bit out, I got a tight feeling in my chest. This is obviously not going to be as easy as I was deluding myself into thinking it might be. Just because I don't have the external impediments that many others have, I still have to deal with my internal insecurities about revealing this part of me. Maybe my ability to share will arrive before I find myself lying about my actions. Fingers crossed. For now, my lies are only by omission. Still lies and awful but ... If anyone has any tips, I'm all ears.
Trust me... You will have to force it out like the last bit of toothpaste from the tube. Then it gets easier
I can relate to what you said about not even being able to type the word gay or lesbian when you got here. I have made five or six attempts at journalling since 1997. It is supposed to be a good psychology tool for processing life or something. I was first exposed to it as an inpatient at a psych hospital. It never worked for me, because I could never write the word gay, or write about the really important stuff in my life. I was afraid to have it down on paper. Well, I just began a journal yesterday that is a reflection on my life, and the first line is "I am gay." I think we need to note those milestones in our lives. Sometimes it seems like nothing is changing, and there is no progress. But a comment like what you said makes me notice that OK, some things are getting better. As far as fabricating the stories, I think we all do that going into a stressful situation. To some extent, we need that role playing but then need to let go of it or we're just reading a script, and that's what it sounds like to people. the other thing to watch for is envisioning a horrible response and then turning that into a self-fulfilling prophecy by going into the encounter all pumped up by the bad response we think we're going to get. And yeah, you are where you're at on the journey, and that is the only "there" that we need to worry about. (&&&)
HA! I've been known to slice open the tube to get the last bit out. Are you saying this is going to be a bloody mess, too? Great. I'm going to have to mop up, as well. Seriously, though, in the last hour, I decided if a conversation veers around to pointing out someone as gay/lesbian, I'm just going to say, "Me, too." Two syllables. Should be able to manage that.
yeah, I can do that too! the "m" sound is much easier to blurt out without too much thought. me too! (!)
I know I'm a bit late to the party but just wanted to add my thoughts. I remember being in a very similar position to you so don't get disheartened. I know it might feel like you aren't getting far or where you want to be but you have started your journey and that's the most important bit. Never lose sight of where you started or how far you have come. Right now being fully out might seem daunting but once you have taken some baby footsteps in the middle you will be in a different place and from there it may look different. Think of it like climbing a mountainm from the bottom it can look like an impossible task but if you just set yourself a small challenge like to get to a lower ledge that can look much easier and once there perhaps the next will then look possible. Before you know it you'lol be at the top.
I would add one piece of advice that many have given me. It's time to do some exploration, not necessarily sex but at least socializing and dating. You're not going to feel really comfortable owning "I'm gay" unless you've had a bit of experience in that realm. The body teaches the mind, as they say.
Thanks everyone. Each comment helps. And, yes, nerdbrain. I would like to try some exploration. I think I'll try the socializing bit first before moving on to dating and sex. :] I did come across a meetup last year that was advertising a bowling night but of course I can't find it now. It seemed about the right speed to start with. And thanks silverhalo. I'm not sure I'm disheartened so much as not sure I can see much further up this "mountain". I know it's there but perceive it as quite far off. Do things go in fits and starts or basically plod along? I'm not really worried. I'm slow at everything I do. It would be nice to get to the top before I die, though.
Haha yes success before you die is a good goal. I found my progress very much came in fits and starts, sometimes I felt like I had taken several giant leaps in a row Nd others I felt like I had take. 3 baby steps forward and 2 giant leaps backwards. Sometimes I was excited and enthusiastic and at other times I really felt like I might as well never have started the process. I think some hurdles are bigger than others, I can't promise to be much help but if you want to ask me anything then I'm always here. I don't come on EC everyday but I usually check in quite regularly. If you are a full member you can alway pm me. That way I get an email that it's waiting. That being said if you don't want to talk to me that is cool too .
Aw my two best friends on here are talking to each other. That's kind of cool! (!) Sorry, really, back to your thread! You are doing great. That pool party is going to happen one day!!!
Oi! Shhhh. Party's a secret. And entirely in my imagination. Ah, yes, the top. Strange thing is, bi2me, I can see the top but not the part between it and me. I'd prefer just to be there than have to do the hard work to get there. "Hi. My name's Really and I'm a lazy lesbian."
