Preparing to move out

Today I put down the deposit to rent a town home beginning in the new year. It feels like a big step, and a positive one. When I came out to myself, and to my wife earlier this year, I could not possibly imagine I would be in this place. I hoped at the time that if I could just accept this part of myself, I could be at peace with myself and go on with what has been an otherwise wonderful marriage. We were and are compatible in so many ways. What I did not realize was that being gay isn't a part of me, an aspect that I can just set aside (I learned that the hard way) it is deeper than that. The last months have been harder- because we do care for eachother. We are reminded daily of what we used to have, and torn by the reality that it is now different in a fundamental way. We would have days when it felt like it used to, and then reality would boomerang around and leave us emotionally shredded.

It feels oddly sane to be separating at this point.

I took my son to the new place yesterday. He is taking things better than expected. He says he is sad about the divorce, but will like having two different rooms, and two homes. He also said 'I am proud of you' a couple of times as we talked about the changes.

There are moments when I am deeply sad, and I am sure I will be when I move out. There are moments when I am hopeful. There are moments when I am afraid- for financial and emotional reasons.

For those of you who have gone through this stage, what helped you the most?
Thanks.
Earnest

 

BlackCat- I don't know that it is courage- at this point it seems like the natural course of actions. It is our hope that we will continue to be best friends and cooarents regardless of the change.

GW- thank you for your insight and experience. The idea of possession keeps coming up in this process. It really does mean living in a different way.

OTH- cooking is a great idea. We had a difficult day the other day, and at a loss for something I can do, I cooked. Thank you.

 

Following up, today we made the call to a lawyer to find out what steps we need to take during the separation. Afterwards, we went to our respective rooms to weep. As I look back at what has changed in the last 9 months, one of the most significant, and hardest to handle, is that we can no longer comfort eachother as we used to do. It used to be that grief shared between us lightened the load, now it magnifies it. When I see her in pain, it causes me pain. And when I reach out to her, it makes her pain even more severe.

I hope, that when I have moved out, it may ease the tension between us, or at least enable us to move on.

I had my therapy session today as well. My therapist says the packing up to move out can really hit you.

I know I will need help to move out, especially with furniture. I am having a hard time to think of who to call. The friends we have here are mostly my wife's friends. I had really shut myself off in recent years as I withdrew into the closet. I am feeling sad about the move, but also sad about what was lost all those years I tried to be something and someone I was not. There was always the feeling that I didn't measure up. I hope that this change in my life will help me see myself in a new, more honest, and compassionate light. I hope it will be a time to figure out who I am- in a way I had not done before.

 

I spent the last two days sorting through household items with my wife, and boxing things up. It all feels surreal, but also very real. One moment I am highly emotional, and the next, calm and clear.

My son has been positive about the move and the step I am taking in life. He keeps saying I'm proud of you. I know he struggles as well. But it seems that he knows without doubt that we both love him, and will continue to care for him, even in this new situation.

 

Today was the first day on my own. My family left for the week while I pack up my things and move into my new home. I had an honest and open conversation with my wife last night. It was painful, but it has all been painful. We love each other, and yet everything has changed since I came out. It was clear how big a gap there is between us. We left it with the sense that we are on the right path.

It is such a strange feeling. I feel like I can just take one step at a time. Focus on what is in front of me. I have to keep reminding myself to breath.

I gathered the courage to call on some friends. It was incredibly hard. A part of me wants to curl up in a ball.but I am glad I called them.

 

I am surprised at how this first week on my own is going. The first day apart was gut wrenchingly painful, and that night I let it out in a way I have not before. Gradually, as the days have gone by, I feel a peace I have not known. Phone calls and messages with my wife have been friendly, and without the tense feeling of anxiety that we have had over recent months. Oddly I feel closer to her apart right now.

Packing has gone well, and I begin moving things into the new home today. Several friends offered to help with the move. This is remarkable because I felt absolutely paralyzed to tell people about the separation and move. As it turns out, my son tells people quite liberally, and they have responded with kindness.

My son asked if he could spend the first couple of nights in the new home as well. I had originally planned to have him come when things were all set up, but he wants to be there for the first days . I am amazed.

Last night, New Year's Eve, was the first one I spent on my own in years. I decided to go to a gay bar for the evening. I am so glad I did. It was pretty low key, most people were probably out at parties. But I felt happy. Peaceful happy, just being in the presence of the other men. I had good conversations, and saw some people I had seen before. It is a friendly place, and the regulars greet each other with hugs, friendly and mostly appropriate touches, and kisses on cheeks. In the past, I sat there admiring the spirit that was there. (I never saw that at a straight bar.) last night, several of the men patted me on the shoulder, gave me a hug, and one a kiss on the cheek. This was a first for me. I am not sure what the difference was, why tonight and not other nights before, but I really liked it.
2014 was radically different than I ever expected. A year ago, I had no idea I would be acknowledging or accepting that I am gay, that I would be starting a new job, separating from my wife, ... And so much more. As painful and stressful as it has been, I am thankful. I feel more human, more alive, more in touch with my feelings and body (I felt like I was in a deep shell before I came out.) I enter this new year with a sense of hopefulness. There will be dramatic changes, and I don't know that I am ready for them. But I am trusting it will all work for the good.

 

I am settling into my new home. It is a different rhythm of life. I do things differently when I am on my own. Perhaps this is a part of discovering who I am in a new identity.

As I tell friends that my wife and I have separated, they have been sympathetic. Almost all have been through divorce. They do not pry, but their responses show that they expect that my wife and I had difficulties. I wish I could just say, it's not because we don't get along- we love and care for each other. It is because I am gay. It is because I want wholeness in my life- to not feel like I am cut off from my own body. But I am not yet fully as to be out.