Hi All, I am overthinking but I don't understand my ex's behaviour. And I am not talking about my wife. Just to recap... I am gay. Been gay prior to being old enough to have angst or shame about. I did build a closet to protect myself from homophobic world. Of the 70's. Anyway, I was with my partner from age 13 to 29. It ended due to pressure from his family. He married (twice) before coming out to family at age 53. I married too but because I wanted a relationship like I had but could not find a guy I shared emotionally with as I did with my ex. In my 30,s gave up looking assuming there ere no stable gay guys (stupid, I know) but you had to live the 70-80's to know, understand the bullshit promoted about being gay. All through the years my ex and I maintained a close friendship even though seperated by 600 miles. Now my kids are raised and I am out. About six months ago I let my ex have it after he told me he was being "faithful" to his current partner. I blasted him listing all the harm he he done since leaving me (long list, cutting). Ending with it only being a matter of time till his current partner was added to the list. This whole thing being tied to him cheating on his partner with me. I believed at the time he was breaking up. He has not spoken or contacted me since feb 2013. He even unfriended me on Facebook. I figured it was done. Today I got a text from him. Wishing me merry christmas and happy new year, and asking if all was well. I just do not understand what his motivations are. I shouldn't even think about it, but I swear he owns part of my soul. I totally understand breaking connection with an old love but there it is everytime. Maybe he feels the same byt is the same emotional coward he has always been (hindsight) . Very weird emotional tie. Tom
Tom, I had a bit of a similar situation from a boyfriend I had as a teenager. We always remained connected even without having communicated for 20 years. In his final year, we re-established our friendship. It never went farther than that. A lot of reminiscing and talking about what could have been. In the end, for him, he will rest in peace having gotten closure; where I as well found closure, when I did not even realize I needed to. Maybe your friend is seeking closure and does not know how to properly go about it. And maybe, you need to find a way to get the same closure.
Hi, I am unsure I want closure in that sense. I care about the guy. We broke up not to any problem between us, he just could not stand up to his family. Just now he texted me he is stressed by his kids. They treat him like a doormat without boundaries and he complies. It has plagued his life. I am most likely the only person solely interested in his happiness. Cripes, his orgasm always brought mine. (too much info?) His current partner brought him to a dungeon sex party which he was told was a simple dinner party. When the orgy broke out (complete with rented twinks) he walked out. Only later to be talked into "All that matters is who you go home with". He complied. I feel bad for him. Closets come in all shapes and types. He simply traded straight closet for a gay closet that has him not standing up for what he wants, he believes is right. He struggles to fit into worlds he doesn't belong. He is his own life's doormat. Breaks my heart to see it over and over.
Are the two of you still 600 miles apart? That distance can make the relationship rather complicated. He is reaching out, he seems to know you will be there for him. You still have very strong feelings and an emotional attachment, and you are not looking for closure. You know what your supposed to do; but your angst, I assume, is the risk of continued emotional damage?
Hi, We are 10 miles apart now. It would a lot of time for him to rebuild my trust in him. I have witnessed his life and know him better than he knows himself at times. Sometimes I feel like I being poked to find out if I am still there, still care. A weird emotional safety net. If he ever asked if I wanted to date... (unlikely as he is in compliance with whatever is going on in his life and his vision of what people expect) I would give it a go, but I would want to see he has found his balls. Otherwise I would just become a repeat performance of his pattern. Tom ---------- Post added 19th Dec 2014 at 06:20 AM ---------- Homophobic closet most likely built upon a foundation of a acceptancephobic foundation. Interrelated structures.
Sounds like he is using you as a safety net, and your not willing to let go; thus enabling him to do so. Sometimes, as you well know, letting go is really hard. But by not letting go, you yourself stand still.........
Yes it sounds like that--and it sounds like you're pretty much on board with that plan... Just sayin'...
I advise extreme caution with your ex, Tom. Your entire relationship with him over the years has been one of emotional immaturity on his part when confronted with choosing between you and his parents (a bit of an expert there myself, hell I ended up in the same boat as the two of you). Even now, after all these years, there's a high degree of emotional immaturity and interdependency between the two of you; he apparently needs to know you're waiting in the wings for him while he suffers through trying to fit the mold his current partner expects of him, while you retain the strong emotional ties forged in youth and the ensuing heartbreak of rejection due to his fear and material dependency on his family's acceptance. Bottom line, until he grows up and decides to live on his own terms he will continue to repeat the same pattern. Likewise, if you cannot see him for the man he is today and not the nostalgic emotional ties of what was shared before he "ran home to mama" (so to speak), then you're setting yourself up for another heartbreak down the road. So, back to the issue of the holiday wishes via text, I'd read nothing more into it than face value. Accept the sentiment with gratitude and reciprocate in similar fashion if so inclined. Beyond that, keep both hands on the rudder and stay true to your course; when you reach the right port of call you'll know.
Hi, Thanks. I see him for what he is, an emotionl coward. I was happier when he broke cintact. But yes, part if me hopes he grows up, finds his balls, but I am not expecting it. Then he would have to prove it. I am a realist in this. But he contiues to come back. I thought I had nuked that bridge last Feb with honesty. Tom
As painful as it might be, the right message to send is by sending no message at all. Simply do not reply. But the part of you that hopes he grows up, may not let you do that.
