How did you behave when you were in the closet?

How did you behave when you were in the closet?
I'd divide it up into pre acceptance and post acceptance of myself. Pre acceptance I knew, but wasn't comfortable with it. I was pretty damn anxious over everything.

Was your homosexuality detectable?
So far nobody has really said anything to me except this one guy that loved to grill me about it.

What did you say when someone asked you if you were gay?
Some jokey response that doesn't really give an answer.

Could you answer (re: lie about) that question comfortably, and what specific words did you use to respond?
Before I couldn't, I'm getting to be a good lair though

What were you like starting relationships with girls? Avoided them.Did you actively seek them out or did you wait for them to come to you? Did you take things slowly? Did you know you were gay, did you have no idea or did you just deny it to a degree wherein you began to believe you were straight?

Could you ever describe yourself as happy during that time period? Im happy

What were you interests?
Hobbies don't have anything to do with orientation.

what ways would you fake being straight?
I don't really. If someone thought I was gay and wanted to out me they easily could.

But honestly, about your friend. Don't grill him asking questions, or try and analyse him. Just be vague and tell me accept him no matter what and wait for your friend to bring it up. That is if he's even gay.

 

Hiding something that you feel shame towards usually has the nasty side effect of making you unnecessarily aggressive, lashing out in anger even at your closest friends.

Such people also tend to be too direct in expressing their "desire" to find someone of the opposite sex and describe in much unneeded graphic details their "desires".

The best way to put your suspicions to rest is to ask this person directly, in a private environment where they can feel safe talking to you about it. Also make sure to make them feel comfortable about sharing their secrets with you. If they chose to deny it then regardless of your suspicions, you should respect their decision and just drop the matter.

 

I am curious about why you ask. are you gay? if so, well, how did you act when you were in the closet? it's probably the same answer. or are you straight? and if so, are you trying to "catch" your friend so you can out him? Well, first, you could be mistaken and that would create a lot of hard feelings. and second, you could be right, and that would also create a lot of hard feelings if he doesn't want to be out to him. if you just love him so much that you want to support him, and you sincerely support gay rights, that should already be coming out in the way you act, the way you live, and in your conversations; so it wouldn't be necessary to do anything different. If he's gay, and he wants to come out, and you are a true and trusted friend, he will talk to you about it when he is ready. and if not, that's his business.

 

I was told by a therapist and a friend that I would try to oversell being straight. Like I was constantly trying to prove my straightness. I thought I hid being gay very well, even though I am more fem, but I found out after coming out that most people suspected it anyway. When someone would ask if I was gay, which happened quite a bit, I always made a joke about it and wouldn't give a straight answer. Depending on the situation, I sometimes just said no.

I never approached females. I was either set up on the date, or they approached me. If I liked them as a friend then I would date them. I got so used to it that it really became a non-issue. I thought if I did it enough I just might "fix" myself.

I knew I was gay, just didn't want to believe it. I was in the closet, then out of the closet during my time in the Navy (In my off base personal life and a few shipmates), then went back in the closet after I got out of service and came back home. It was depressing to be in the closet before I went in the Navy, the greatest feeling in the world being out in the Navy, and absolutely soul crushing when I had to go back in the closet after the Navy. It led to horrible bouts of depression and thoughts of suicide. I struggled for years until I came out. So I was never happy when I was in the closet. I believe that staying in the closet would have eventually killed me.

 

Hi,

First... your approach though well intentioned (if true) shows little love, friendship or trust. Keep in mind the closet is all about fear and lack of trust and you are playing "double agent".

You want to help... be open, be honest, be direct. If you cannot manage that you do not have the relationship necessary to help.

As it stands I wouldn't trust you... look at you... rather than talking to the person you are scheming here on ways to expose him/her.

Sorry if this seems harsh but look at the situation with empathy. My position is to protect the closeted person, as I have no clue as to your double agent plans, no matter whether your intentions are good or ill.

Tom

 

Hi,

First... your approach though well intentioned (if true) shows little love, friendship or trust. Keep in mind the closet is all about fear and lack of trust and you are playing "double agent".

You want to help... be open, be honest, be direct. If you cannot manage that you do not have the relationship necessary to help.

As it stands I wouldn't trust you... look at you... rather than talking to the person you are scheming here on ways to expose him/her.

Sorry if this seems harsh but look at the situation with empathy. My position is to protect the closeted person, as I have no clue as to your double agent plans, no matter whether your intentions are good or ill.

Tom

 

Good morning Tom, that's an appropriate response to read first thing in the mornig!

I had a similar thought, then I thought some more and considered maybe the post is not reflective of a friend, but actually LaurieAnderson is questioning his own sexuality and afraid to confront it directly, so instead pose it as an issue with a friend. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt because, while it still is a question of trust on the intentions, it's more understandable to take such a position on a public forum (albeit confidential).

So in this regard, I would generally respond by stating, having experienced being in the closet myself and not being true to myself, if the post is actually considering this path, please do so with extreme caution. In this day and age, there is more opportunity to lead an openly gay life than there was in the past. Choose your path carefully because while you are looking to protect yourself, you might be harming others as you do so.

 

Hi,

I simply treated the question as posted with no hidden inference, you may be right.

Part of it too is the recent EC banning of individuals posting false threads and wall posts.

It struck me odd that a "straight" person could/would find EC and actually post that question. Many GAY people never find EC!

I imediately went to "protection" taking the post at face value.

Blunt? Yes, but this person is playing with another's life. A person who obviously does not want it toyed with. I cannot aide and abet there, protect yes.

Parenting mode. LOL

 

Maybe my IL training...

LGBT is not a disability but the emotional impacts (anxiety, depression, not feeling safe) can become crippling. This fact is not lost at NCIL (National Council for Independent Living). Those who SELF DISCLOSE are eligible for services. It is not just seniors... The entire IL model puts the CLIENT in charge, hence step one is self disclosre "I need help with..." then the information, referal, supports, services, peer counseling and advocacy begin. The IL model does not allow others to direct the course of the client...

That is where I am coming from.

ACL Releases Online Learning Tool: Building Respect for LGBT Older Adults
June 25, 2014
By theadvocacymonitor Leave a Comment
Source: Administration for Community Living

The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Community Living (ACL) is proud to announce the release of an online learning tool: Building Respect for LGBT Older Adults. The tool is designed to increase awareness of the issues faced by lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) individuals living in long term care (LTC) facilities.

There are approximately 1.5 million adults over the age of 65 who identify as lesbian, gay, or bisexual. By 2030, those estimates are expected to rise to nearly 3 million. Estimates indicate that there are hundreds of thousands of older adults who are transgender.

Unfortunately, research shows many older LGBT adults do not feel safe discussing their sexuality in LTC facilities. “As people who work with seniors every day, it’s our job to ensure that everyone has the same protections and rights as their neighbors, friends and families,” noted Kathy Greenlee, assistant secretary for aging and administrator of ACL.

“This training tool will play an important role in educating a wide audience of care providers about the needs of LGBT seniors. It can help improve the quality of care given to this vulnerable population,” said Hilary Meyer, director of the National Resource Center on LGBT Aging. “Helping to create a more welcoming environment for our LGBT populations will benefit everybody.” Read more at ACL’s website.

 

The notion of 'investigating' struck me. If he's truly your friend let him know where you stand on lgbt issues if the subject comes up/it's seems relevant. Show him whenever possible that you are there for him as a friend but outside of that leave it alone. Even with the best of intentions it's still ultimately none of your business one way or another unless he makes it so.

 

I was a lot more quiet and shy, especially in group conversation... I also hated it when people asked me "Who do you like?"

 

I have to say that I share skiff's and onthehighway's concerns here. if someone is asking about themselves and afraid to do it under their normal handle (which itself is pretty anonymous), then they can always post an anonymous post. I do take what everyone says here at face value and don't question whether they are misrepresenting themselves, and I really appreciate that everyone has treated me with that same respect on EC. OP's profile indicates that he has been a member for three years, so I assume that he has a good idea of how EC works, and is sincerer in asking his question. So I think that skiff's response is not hateful in any way, but provides a perspective that only a gay man who has been in the closet would have; and it is in fact one that I share. Put simply, we appreciate people wanting to be friends and be helpful. You can accomplish that just by being a friend. But I don't appreciate someone trying to "out" me when I'm not ready for it. Right now, it wouldn't be such a big deal for me personally; but if it happened 20 years ago to me, it could have been devastating. If skiff's response seems a bit blunt, just remember that some people have committed suicide as a result of being outed against their will. this is a serious matter and we need to share openly and honestly about it.

 

Ah, so many of us have been in the same exact spot!

My advise, as hard as it is, get over him romantically and move on. Your continued desire to wish he were "out" can limit you from finding your real love. Someone might be standing right in front of you, and he might be the perfect one, and you may never know it.

False hope hurts yourself, even if he is closeted, it's his timetable that he is working on, and that will probably not align with yours regardless.

 

Hi,

My best friend is straight I love him within the bounds of friendship.

Does he know you are gay? I told my buddy early on. We compare notes. LOL

 

Hooray, Laurie Anderson, you're out to your friends on EC!!!(!) And hey, if you can't come out to people on Empty Closets, where you're anonymous really, where can you come out? But I always say that the most important outing of all is when we come out to ourselves, and that's where you are. This is your friend, why not just come out to him, for your own peace of mind and for the integrity of your friendship? And then, just be good friends. If he is gay and wants to come out some day, having a good friend that he could come out to is a godsend. But I agree with what others have said, I would try to forget about him as a romantic prospect and just work on having a good substantial friendship. Continuing to see him as a target of affection may result on making him uncomfortable, even if you don't come out and say it he may sense something funny. And he is married, which means he has a formal legal commitment to another person. What if he comes out? What if he gets divorced? What if he pledges eternal undying love to you? what if the dinosaurs rise from the mud, and the sun spins around backwards? :icon_wink Well, you get my drift. Deal with the real, the here and now. And tell him you're gay and see how things go from there. And thanks for getting honest with us!! :eusa_clap We assume everyone is being honest here (what's the point about being in the closet about being in the closet, on this web site?). It's the only place that I can come and not have to worry about pretending to be someone I'm not. It's liberating. Enjoy it here, and before you know it you will want to try it out there!!!:eusa_danc