Second Adolescence?

I can't be the only one who has discovered herself and turned into a hormonal teenager in the process can I?

I often felt like my own adolescence was tempered and got stuck, because I never really got over the feeling of being awkward or uncomfortable with the whole hetero thing but that's what everyone did so I did a passable impression of one to fit in whilst tackling a couple of major life events during my teenage years (between 15-16 particularly because I lost 3 grandparents, two in quick succession and one a few months later and my absent father made some sort of reappearance during the same period). I launched into my sex life as a grieving teenager who just wanted some part of her life to be "normal and uneventful".

I made my first stab at coming out when I was 16 too, told a couple of people I thought were friends who dismissed it as attention seeking or a phase - then confided in a much older gay family friend who I trusted. About a week after I told him my mum was laying in bed one day when she asked if I had ever thought about being with a woman and then said she had. I immediately assumed family friend had spilled the beans and muttered something about "well that's you isn't it" and ran away as fast as possible.

Fast forward 25 years. Here I am, five months into "the dawning age of realisation" and basically being emotionally thrown back into the teenage phase I never really experienced.

Last weekend, my husband and I got a little drunk and sat watching Taylor Swift videos on YouTube while I kinda drooled and went on about how cute she is. Apparently I was stroking her face at one point... So perhaps "little drunk" might be an understatement. DH said he had never seen me so glowing and happy...

Her new album is a virtual constant companion of mine at the moment, it's like its almost speaking to me - and I'm experiencing massive goofy crushes all over the place. My hormones are exploding.

I recently got involved with a woman in similar circumstances to myself. It was six weeks of incredibly intense connection, but I recently called it off because she really wasn't ready to do more than have me be a secret bit on the side for a bit of sexting and mutual support.

I've been emotionally sterile for years and years and years. And all of a sudden its like my world is exploding into colour and endless feels! Some of it is sad feels because of the inevitable ending of my marriage as it was - but a lot of it is virtually euphoric joy and relief at finally having the freedom of my own mind and the security of knowing the root of my truth.

My reality is that I'm a fairly knackered mother of 3 who is trying to hold it all together in the midst of all these amazing and conflicting emotions - I've never felt more as though I was a teenager in my life - yet I have the life experience to appreciate the emotional roller coaster for what it is.

I don't want it to wear off - it's too amazing. But I know at some point reality will crash back in as we go through the process of finding our paths now and I don't ever want to lose myself as badly as I did ever again.

Anyone else felt this way when in the acceptance process? Like the emotions just won't stop coming?

:tears::eusa_doh::eusa_danc:icon_bigg

 

Oh hell, the responsibility!

I've plenty of those to keep me from veering too close to the edge, but I have to admit the temptation to jump does get strong from time to time, (in the liberating sense).

Absolutely spot on with the acting job analogy, although I did get a decent passing mark for drama at school so pretending to be something I wasn't was something I had rudimentary skills in from an early age.

I managed to get to 40 by doing such a good acting job I nearly had myself convinced!

There's just this fundamental and solid shift in me, that nothing can spoil. It's killed any pretence. Finding the balance between me and my situation is now my biggest challenge. I just don't have the time/ability to confidently leap - so I'll have to slide myself down the side of the cliff sat on my butt and taking my time till I reach the ground.

 

Best before dates are only ever a guide anyway - if it's not dried up and it's not totally stale it's usually edible!

It's the use by date that's the one you need to keep an eye on.

 

HAHA! I won't specu(lum)ate how one goes about reading yours because... Well...I'm currently indulging in a small glass of mind-bleach...

You are SO welcome! Girls are awesome aren't they???!!!?? :eusa_danc - I'm just waiting for the acne and the urge to slam a few doors to hit me now. I want to put up Taylor Swift posters and sing into my hairbrush.

You know the more I think about this, it's actually more true than I realised. When I was a teen I was very much "the adult" in my family - caring for my grandma when my grandad died, supporting my mother through one in a long line of failed divorces/relationships, supporting my mum when she couldn't cope after losing both of her parents reasonably close together, and dysfunctional at school because I felt so alone and misunderstood.

I never got to be a teenager because I was restricted and repressed and forced into an adult state I wasn't capable of handling.

Wow. That's deep. Dug a little hole right there. :eusa_clap

 

Do I have to skip the stupid mistakes? They aren't compulsory? *damn*

 

I'll get right on with it then!