Well, I've made a mess of things. I came out to my wife that I had done some things with some guys while we were separated. She was supportive at first, but emotions are running high and things are coming unraveled. In the midst of the realization that our marriage is probably over, I've begun fantasizing about starting my life over again with another woman. I'm dreaming of future with a smart, beautiful woman. I still like looking at guys, but the initial desire for "hook-ups" just isn't there. And I've tried browsing dating sites for gays imagining what it would be like to "partner" with one of the guys, and there is just nothing there. On the other hand, I can browse a dating site with women and I can imagine being with some of the women on there. Don't worry, I'm not going to jump right into a relationship, I'm just trying to figure out who I am and how I'm wired. I loved receiving oral sex from a guy, and I kind of enjoyed giving it, I guess. I've never gone further, although anal sex really doesn't interest me as a top, at least nowhere nearly as much as vaginal intercourse. I'm sorry if this is too graphic, I'm just trying to talk through this. I have thought that maybe bottoming would be pleasurable, but now I'm doubting that. Am I in denial, or is it possible that I experimented for some undetermined reason other than orientation? I've been remembering past events and relationships and I've always felt intimidated by women. That's really embarrassing to admit this, but I am not sure how else to put it. I wish I had a counselor. i saw one but she dropped me saying I needed a male clinician, so here I am stuck at Christmas trying to find somebody to talk to. I have so much going on inside my mind.
You might think about talking to someone from an lgbt center... or to the trevor hotline, or something similar... You might have a look here: Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender? There is romantic and sexual attraction...and some people say they fall not in love with a gender but a person... And you might talk to a few people on EC via wall messages...
No one says you need to be attracted 50/50 to men or women (or add another gender in there, since the binary theory is BS). Jay777 hit the nail on the head: there is a difference between romantic and sexual attraction. As a matter of fact, some people who identify as bi men are only interested in genitalia, not the partner's personality and no affectionate gestures. Her suggestion that you seek a counselor sounds like a good idea. My suggestion, in concert with counseling, would be to pursue your dreams of finding a new female partner about six months after your divorce. This would give you time to mourn (the marriage ending), and to think about where you want to position your sexuality. If you think you will never have an attraction of any sort to another man, then carry on, but if not, I would think about telling any new ladies about your feelings. Of course, your existing relationship is still going on in some fashion. Any way to salvage it?
