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Gay and married

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by doglover44, Dec 22, 2014.

  1. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    How do I come out to my wife in a easy way ?
     
  2. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    That is uniquely yours. You know her best.

    We each solve it a different way.
     
  3. trailrider

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    Personally I think that before you come out to her, you need to be certain of the path you want to be on after she knows. What are you hoping for as an outcome?
     
  4. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    Its just so hard
     
  5. BeingEarnest

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    I don't think there is an easy way. But there are other ways. Kind, supportive, honest, loving, realistic, ... None of these are easy, but I believe they can ease the pain for both. It really is hard.

    Big hugs to you.
     
  6. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    First... TAKE INVENTORY of your resources both personal emotional and financial.

    You MUST have these resources defined and available.

    You may need to tell others first in preparation. Best friend, sibling, etc. You need an emotional backstop you can COUNT on. Tell that trusted person and ask if you can rely on them for emotional support.

    Best I can offer.

    Tom
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    To answer your specific question, given I assume your ready to tell her by virtue of the question, is to find a quiet place with no distractions and just say it. Let her absorb the news, ask questions, cry, etc. be supportive, listen and respond to her reaction with care, concern and affection.
     
  8. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    but the queston is how to tell her
     
  9. piano71

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    Does your wife have any reason to suspect you are gay? Her reaction could range from "not too surprised" to completely devastated and angry. How to handle the situation is going to have a lot to do with your current relationship dynamics.

    Some things to think about -

    Is your goal to get a divorce and start dating men? Or to stay married in an open relationship?

    Have you acted on your feelings for men before? Is this a factor in wanting out of your current relationship?

    Do you have any kids? How old are they currently, and will they need to know at some point?
     
  10. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    OP, if you figure that out, PLEASE let me know!!! I have been trying to figure this out for a long time.
     
  11. skiff

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    Guys....

    There is no simple answer.

    This is a wound that has festered and the bandaid is stuck to the scab. There is no way to remove ithe dressing without some pain, discomfort, pus. It is going to HURT, but then the healing begins.

    If you are going to wait for painless start saving for 50th wedding anniversary gift.

    Tom
     
  12. Highlander2

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    Doglover, when I was asked by my wife if I'd changed how I felt about her I told her that I had, and then told her that I had feelings for men. It went on from there. It's not something that you can gauge the reaction to before you tell her. My wife just broke down into shocked crying. Other people can react as if it was already known to them.

    All you can do is try and tell her in an unequivocal way so she understands what you are both saying and trying to say to her. You do need to know what your next steps are though. What you want to happen after you tell her as she will want to know what you want given you've just told her this news. That was my problem in that I didn't really know what I wanted to do back then.
     
  13. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    this is what I sincerely believe will happen. that there will come the moment where it is just the right time to say it. but I realize as well that there is a limit to how long you can wait for the perfect opening. there have been a few that in retrospect I wondered if I missed an opportunity. I think the fact is that these opportunities present themselves from time to time, or maybe on a more regular basis than we realize. but the question is always, is there a convenient time to drop a nuclear bomb, without it upsetting anyone too much? and when I think about that, skiff's image of a pus infected wound comes to mind, and I put another dollar in the 50th anniversary gift account. :tears:
     
  14. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    I missed so many I had to write it
     
  15. BiBiBaybee

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    I think trailrider posted an important point; let me re-phrase:
    What is your reason for telling her? For some it may mean asking permission to start or continue an affair with another partner. If that is the case, and she does not give you permission, what will you do then?

    I have a friend who will never tell his wife he is gay, because it will hurt her, and he is afraid that she will ask him to leave. That would be fine except he is her caregiver, due to her multiple illnesses, and she would decline quickly without his help. He states that he made a promise to her.

    Another friend could not go on in the closet, told his wife, and they tried to make a go of it, but ultimately got divorced. They remain friends, and had no children.

    I'm only presenting these cases as food for thought, and in way wish to suggest any action on your part.
     
  16. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    thanks, BBB. you provided a needed dose of reality. few of us live in the ideal, and we all have different circumstances. and for those of us who have no sexual relationship with our spouses, that has its own dynamic as well. the real point, I think that you make very well, is that we can't judge other folks' circumstances from the outside, or from our own particular perch. and it's good for someone who is struggling with something to hear that. :thumbsup:
     
  17. BiBiBaybee

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    . . . and in NO way wish to suggest . . .

     
  18. doglover44

    doglover44 Guest

    I guess I'm relazing I want my life partner a man is that wrong ?
     
  19. Weston

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    Start with three simple words: "I am gay." Everything else will follow naturally — you don't need a script.
    I recently saw the movie Pride, in which one of the lead characters comes out to his wife in just that manner. Her first words: "I know."
     
  20. happyhamster144

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    Hi
    I agree that how you do this is a personal choice, but here is my experience.
    I came out to my husband just over a week ago.
    We were out a walk and I just said that I needed to talk, I explained that I have been questioning who I was attracted to for some time and I that I had finally realised I was a lesbian.
    It was difficult to do, there was a lot of talking and tears, but he was as Ok with it as I could have expected.
    A week later we have agreed to separate which was what I wanted.

    For me, telling him was the right thing to do regardless of the outcome and I realise how lucky I have been in how he reacted.