Me and my big mouth. In a previous thread I posted about the long talk my wife and I had and how she said that if I needed to wear something around the house while I was alone, to feel more myself, that she was ok with it. Her one caveat was that when we are intimate with each other, she doesn't want to see it. She wants to be with the MAN that I am. I understand her wishes and completely respect them and her. But then it happened....... When we are pleasuring each other I always fantasize. It's just something that I have always had to do when she is giving me attention down there. But the other night I started thinking about her wishes that I be the man she wants while we are in bed. BAM, instant mood breaker in my head. I felt a huge wave of guilt and , well, things got very ..um...limp. Now mind you, this has happened before and I would always say that I just couldn't relax and was trying to hard, which is partly true. But not this time....OH NO....I just had to start talking. She looked me in the eye and asked me what I was thinking when I WAS able to relax. Ugh, The look of hurt on her face about killed me. Thankfully the evening ended on a pleasant, if un climactic, evening. However, I now do not know when or how intimacy will rear it's uncomfortable head again. That's all, I just needed to vent that someplace.:bang:
Sometimes pressure is precisely the thing that kills the mood, unfortunate that this had to happen to you! Better luck next time!
back when I could still perform with my wife, I always had to use a lot of gay fantasy, and I had to verbalize it. I would talk about what I was imagining, describing things in detail. sex was so infrequent anyway, and she never said anything about it, though once I got so detailed about a specific act that she asked if I had actually done it, which of course I denied. but eventually, even imagining I was with a man was not enough to overcome the reality, and that's when we stopped having sex. that's my experience, for what it's worth. It does sound like your wife is rejecting you as you are, and demanding that you be what her fantasy of you is. Granted, you helped create that fantasy. But you might ask at one point if she can accept you as you are or not. After all, you're being honest now. If she can't accept you as you are, I wonder how long it will last. Funny how we have opposite situations, but they are equally problematic. In your case, you can talk to your wife about it, and she accepts it as long as it doesn't get in bed with her. In my case, we could never talk about it, but it was fine in the bed as long as she was getting what she needed. for me, fortunately, her desire for sex was always so low that once it stopped, she never complained. so, different scenarios but some similarities in the results.
Hi, Similar happened to me twice... once the last time I was intimate with wife seven years ago, then last Feb when I was with my ex-partner. In the first instance the reality just struck after 15 years faking. No limp but zero pleasure in the mechanics. Second time it happened with my ex-gay-partner last Feb trying to reserect the past... All was great until the thought "You cannot depend or rely on him, he is cheating on his bf to be with you, why are you here doing this?" Again, no limp, but zero pleasure in the mechanics. Head has to be in accord with body. Tom
Well we tried again last night. But it was not successful. It started out great but my guilt got in the way again. We had a very long talk which was great. She told me the hang up was in my head and that she didn't care where my mind went, as long as I would just relax and accept my own thoughts. Then she asked the hard question. She says "I know you love me and think I'm pretty, but am I sexually attractive to you." I couldn't lie. She seemed a bit hurt, but didn't get upset. I told her that I label myself a bisexual because I have made the decision to stay in this marriage. But for the first time in my life I can say that I am ready to come out completely, if I choose to.
so, does this mean that you are really gay? that's what it sounds like you're saying. A decision to stay in the marriage wouldn't change your orientation, and the fact that you can't perform with her...
Ha. I went to therapy (actually two different therapists) several years ago. The first one told me that I was bi with gay tendencies, but that it was only a part of who I was. I really respected her insights, as she was a life coach who had discovered her own lesbian tendencies and wanted to help others. I expected her to push me out of the closet and get me to join the "gay club". But she was really cool in helping me define the total parts of my existence. The second counselor, a few years after the first, met with me three times and just matter of factly told me I was gay and recommended a non threatening gay support group. .......I'm thinking that they were both right at each point in my walk. At this stage of my life? Yeah, I'm gay and my wife knows it whether I say anything or not.
