I have recently come to terms with my sexuality, and I feel more lost now than before I admitted it to myself. I am happily married to my husband and we have a beautiful son together and I wouldn't trade either of them for the world. However, I am struggling with my sexuality and making it work in my marriage. I knew I was attracted to women at a young age; I remember playing "Doctor" with a an elementary school friend because I was curious as to what she looked like naked. It evolved into a more sexual experience when I was in 4th grade with my best friend. We took a bath together and took turns feeling each others breasts. It later turned into massages and dry humping which led me to my first experience having an orgasm. I began fantasizing about sexual acts with my best friend that were far more advanced for my age and I kept track of them in my diary. I also acted out on these urges with my next door neighbors, although they weren't as receptive as my best friend. I had not had another sexual encounter with a female until I was in 8th grade, when I played truth or dare with my best friend. It started with flashing each other, taking naked showers together, and eventually led to long make-out sessions and dry-humping. Once I was in high school, I focused all my sexual attention to my boyfriends and other males. It wasn't until I was 20 that I had another sexual encounter with a female. It was a drunken threesome with my boyfriend of 4 years and my best friend. It started with my best friend and I, and included a lot of making out, fingerplay, and dry humping without my boyfriend present. Once he arrived it became the 3 of us, which I thoroughly enjoyed. However, it was the threesome that ultimately ended our relationship, as my boyfriend wanted to continue having sex with other women, this time without me. (I had taken his virginity, so I was his only partner). Since that time I have not had another sexual encounter with a female except for a few public make-out scenarios with straight women who came onto me, but that doesn't mean the urges haven't been there. Despite all my same-sex encounters, I was still in denial about my sexual orientation until very recently and I am now 24. I have expressed my urges and desires with my husband, and he helped me come to terms. I have come-out to my aunt who is currently in a long term relationship with a woman, and my husband. There is a lot of judgement, gossip, and pure disrespect in my community for bisexual women so I choose to keep it to myself. But that also leaves me alone in my feelings with no one to talk to or relate to. I got on the computer today, to seek the advice for strangers going through similar situations in a nonjudgmental environment. All of this leads me to my current situation: I have a lot of insecurity that stems from past relationships as well as my current marriage, so being bisexual and married has become a struggle. My husband hasn't always been faithful to me whether it was texting, messaging, inviting exes over while I was at work (although he says nothing was ever acting upon). My husbands infidelity combined with my failed relationship from a threesome, I have developed a possessiveness and jealousy that is beyond self-destructive. When I express my urges to my husband, the only options his give me are to be involved with a female in a threesome that includes him or allowing him to watch the act. When I think of a threesome involving my husband and another woman, I feel that I won't be good enough and that the only reason he wants that is so he will be given the "OK" to participate in sex with a woman other than myself. Not to mention, I just don't want to share him. especially since I already have, against my will; (see above cases of infidelity). Then when I think of having him watch, I feel embarrassment. I don't want my exploration of a woman in an intimate setting be a play-out of a porno fantasy because it's more than that to me. I don't want the act to be an outlet for his masturbation and fantasy, and I don't want him looking at another woman the way he should be looking at me. I feel that this is selfish of me, but I also feel that it's hard for him to understand my side when he doesn't have an attraction to the same-sex. Because of my jealousy and possessiveness over my husband, he acts the same way about me. He is angry when I look at other women, or makes rude jokes about my attraction, I feel like I have to pretend I'm not actually attracted to someone just so that he doesn't pull the "lets have a 3some with her" card. It was actually just the other night that I came out to a childhood friend, when him and my husband got into a discussion about it how "he's so lucky to have a wife that likes girls" and how my husband planes to "get me to have a threesome with him and another woman some day". I feel that he has made my sexuality a selfish outlet to live out his fantasies, even though I have expressed I am not comfortable involving him, and because of this I have suppressed my urges. I have suppressed them so much that it's all I think about. I feel that although we have a fantastic sex life, that I can't be completely engaged as I used to because I crave the touch of a woman. I am really at a loss about how to feel and how to make my bisexual life coincide with my marriage. My attraction to men is constant, but when I have an urge to be with a woman it is very strong and over powering. I have poured my dark secrets into this post, and my deepest thoughts and insecurities. I only hope that there is someone out there who can help me sort through my struggles.
Do you think a support group might be helpful? There might be support groups in your area, or meetings at an lgbt center. You might have a look here: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/sexual-romantic-orientation/163286-bisexual-chat-group-went-well.html
Not in a position right now to properly address this but I promise I shall come back and give you a proper response as soon as I can x
Hi, I can fully understand your situation. I had the same thing going on, wasn't married but in a long term relationship with someone who loved (loves) me immensly. But when my urge to be with a woman started to come stronger, his reaction was more or less the same - that either he should be allowed to participate or watch. And my reaction to it was the same as yours - A, I had not it in me to watch him with someone else, and B, I didn't want my sexuality be a show for him. BUT that said I can also understand why it wasn't OK for me to go and sleep with a woman; I don't know how I would have felt had he wanted to have sex with a man outside our relationship. And yes ofcourse it is selfish; but people are selfish. As for your situation, not knowing your husband at all but he does seem like he doesn't respect you as much as he maybe should - bragging about your personal things in front of other people and nevermind the cheating - I don't think these are the kind of things you should do to someone you love. How do you feel about your marriage in general? Are you happy with him? I'm not saying you should get a divorce, but maybe you should seek counseling or something like this. Because in the end he won't allow you to explore by yourself (this could be out of the fear of losing you) and you don't want to include him, and there is not much room to move in that scenario. An outsider's opinion might help.
Your post resonates with me, curiousmermaid, down to the history of infidelity. I think Empty Closets is a fantastic outlet and you've taken a huge leap by sharing your story. Thank you and welcome to EC! My husband has struggled with my attraction to women since I came out to him -- if not before -- but unlike yours he finds threesomes appalling. For the first few years I felt as though I had to hide my past and had no one to confide in regarding my sexuality (I don't know anyone in my area who is openly bisexual or homosexual). My husband did not believe bisexuality existed and used to chastise my identity, but the more we communicate the more he understands how wrong he truly was. I hope yours will begin to offer you support sooner rather than later. I understand the urges you reference; I went years without having them and now I find myself on a "swing", pardon the expression. Sharing my story with those I've met here on EC reminds me I am not alone. You are not alone, either -- remember that. Your fellow members are here to listen and to help you as much as we can. I do agree with bifemme that you may want to consider counseling. Immediately following my husband's affair I was a green-eyed monster, too, but sought outside help and was able to address my own flaws so I could work on them. It's my belief that you both need to tackle insecurities as a couple in order to talk about sexual desires openly and honestly. You are right; you are under no obligation to "put on a show" as your husband has suggested and I am proud of you for sticking up for yourself. It's quite late here so I apologize if my post is jumbled and/or confusing. I need to drink more coffee! Sending hugs your way ~ Dots
Hi curiousmermaid, it sounds like we are in a somewhat similar situation. I'm not sure I've got advice, but I've found it helpful to read other people's stories, so here is a sort of short version of mine. :icon_wink I'm 36. I have been married since I was 23 to my HS sweet heart. Before we got married, I had some sexual experiences with my bff (which he knew about back then), but they are the only two people I'd consider sexual partners (I'm leaving out the truth-or-dare/boob touching stuff). Long story short, she and I stopped being together because he asked me to be exclusive. He's always been faithful to me (at least he says so and I don't question it). My bff and I kind of fell out of touch for a variety of reasons, but started talking again at least once a year 6 years ago when she got married. Somewhere along the line, I stopped "believing" that I was bi. I got to the point where I felt like maybe it was just a one relationship thing. Flash forward to this past summer when I spent a week with my bff, her husband, my husband, and some other high school friends at a wedding/vacation in New Mexico. All the old feelings returned, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. I told my husband while we were there (not like he could totally miss it - I kept going from cloud 9 to hysterical), and he wasn't surprised or upset to my shock. Anyway, I told her how I felt about her, and her response was, "Not all kinds of love are compatible," which I still haven't totally gotten an explanation of. :bang: She asked me what I wanted from her, and I was so flustered by figuring out (again) that I was bi that I didn't really know. So I said that I wanted to be friends again (we really didn't talk but once a year at the time). She was kind of stand-offish for a day on the vacation (not touchy-feely, didn't seem to want to be near me), so I figured she wasn't interested, and that was ok. Then, the last night we end up back at our friends' house and are hanging out. We both got quite drunk and she started sitting closer to me and cuddling - which we used to do in hs a lot. Not that I minded, but it was a bit confusing. I know her husband was a bit upset, but I'm not sure if it was because she was so drunk or the cuddling. She and I have made a point to stay in touch, and we talk and text several times a week now. Saw her last night (with some of the same ppl as this summer), and more drunk cuddling. I don't know if the alcohol is fueling the relationship (such that it is) which seems like a super bad idea, but I think we both don't want to ruin our marriages - especially when we aren't really good long-term partners. I'm really not sure where this is going/how to process, but I figured I'd throw my stuff out and see what sticks for you. At this point, I've made a commitment not to cheat on my husband. He doesn't see clothed cuddling as cheating, and neither do I (I'm sure some people will disagree with that), and I'm not really interested in messing up our strong, healthy, loving relationship. That being said, I miss having been with a woman, and I'm working in my own mind on trying to figure out if this is the way people feel about other past boyfriend/girlfriends and I should let it die, or if because I am attracted to women (maybe more than men) I need to at least allow myself this little bit of affection once or twice a year. Since I don't really have other partners, I can't really compare the feelings that way. I'm also trying to figure out if this is more of a preference like hair color or if the biology of the way sex works is different enough that it is a real need/want, not just a little thing. OK - that was a lot longer than I'd planned, but I hope something in that was helpful. Feel free to send me a message on my wall or ask questions here. Happy to try to help!
