She really wants to work with me on the sexual orientation issue. I know that doesn't mean I'm going to get a definite answer but maybe I'll be happier about it at least. She suggested I try dating women, and didn't understand how difficult it is to find one. She also suggested going to a group at the Gay and Lesbian Center but last time I went there I convinced myself that I was a straight person with HOCD and I felt horrible through the whole thing, and went home and told myself I was straight and I could never go again. I realize now that I don't have HOCD but I still end up telling myself that I'm actually straight and making a big deal out of nothing. Except sometimes I really feel like I'm not straight and then I feel bad too. To be honest I would feel horrible if she said "You're actually straight." I mean she probably wouldn't say that anyway but if I decided I was straight it would seem like all the effort I put into trying to figure myself out was a waste of time and thinking I could be with a woman was stupid.
well, if you figured that out with some certainty, that wouldn't be a waste of time at all. then you could be at peace. but check out dating sites, and go to other places where gay people hang out, like ralleys, or a gay church, or meetups, etc.
I guess I'd be at peace but I couldn't date women. OK that just sounds weird, but I don't know how else to put it. But yeah, if there's a way to get more certainty I'm all about it. I'm feeling a little less desperate than I was, but that's actually mostly due to my psychiatrist telling me to up my medication. It's having side effects which bother me but at least I feel like I can wait the two weeks until I see my therapist again without thinking of nothing but my identity or whatever other thought my brain picks to torture me with. And those are good ideas. I think part of it is that I don't have anyone to go places with. I feel kind of stupid going to a bar alone, although I've certainly done it. There's actually an LGBT synagogue here but it's a little too far for me to travel without a car. But I know... I have to stop making excuses and get out there. Thank you!
the LGBT synagogue sounds like a much better bet than just hanging in bars. why not call them up, and see if they can give you any suggestions about transportation. who knows, they might have a good suggestion, or maybe they can contact someone who goes there to get you a ride. don't give up!!!
I say let the journey have it's own pace. Because of the deep seated homophobia in my family, my journey of discovery has taken well over 20 years now. What I thought was "weird" or certainly "not a part of who I am" back then, seems only natural now.
I think that wherever you decide to go to meet lgbt people it's easier to go without great burden of expectations, just do what you do, as good as you are; and don't get weighted down by a demanding self-image either. Remember, you've come this far. You may not see it but it's a great distance. (*hug*)
It sounds to me as though your therapist might need to spend some more time helping you work through the underlying fears rather than pushing you to start dating. (This is assuming you haven't already been doing this for, say, 6 months or more.) This is something that takes time, and dealing with the self-hate and self-esteem is the key to acceptance, which will be the key to letting go of the anxiety and HOCD-like thinking. And perhaps finding a Meetup social group of gay/questioning people could help if the LGBT center is too intimidating.
I never really worked on this a lot in therapy. I think I was afraid to. And for now I'd just like to make friends, but it does bother me that dating seems impossible even in the long run. My self-hate and self-esteem issues go back basically as long as I can remember, so that would take a hell of a lot of work, but maybe I'm finally in a good place to do that. A funny thing happened today though, a woman visited my workplace and I started kind of joking around with myself and saying "Here's someone about your age who works in your field, why aren't you attracted to her?" And I realized I was attracted to her. I mean, only in a very small way because I'd just met her, but I didn't manage to argue myself out of it. (I can't really make a connection with her for various reasons and for all I know I wouldn't like her if I did get to know her, but still... it kind of cheers me up.)
