My father has been on my mind quite a bit of late. We don't have a particularly good relationship these days. However, he has recently expressed an interest in fixing our relationship, starting with seeing me soon. If he does actually follow through on the meeting, it will be the first time I've seen him nearly four years. (Even though he works about 1/2 hour away from where I live. Even though he has admitted that he and his current wife sometimes make it to a smallish city near where I live.) It will be interesting to see what happens... I've heard this sort of thing before, only to have it fizzle out. Although it seems far more likely that there will be at least one meeting this time around. We'll see, I guess. But as I ponder all this, I realize that if I see him one thing will be different: my understanding of my sexual orientation. I last saw him about 2 years before I joined EC. I had moments of clarity years before EC, but nothing like what I had even a month after joining EC. Joining EC marks a huge point in my life. So...when I see my father (maybe I should say if/when, given past history...), it will be with a different reality for me: I am gay. And while I was gay the last time I saw him--for that matter, possibly gay the first time I saw him as a baby--this time I know, and I know with no denial (e.g. "I could fool around with another guy! But it wouldn't mean anything.") This thinking has raised one interesting question in my mind. I am wondering if one reason why our relationship is...challenged...isn't because I'm gay. Possibly when things started going bad when I was child, an influencing factor was that he saw that I was gay (at least on a subconscious level), and did not like that fact. Secondly, and more practically, this may mean it'll be time to revise my coming out policy. My thought with him--and others in the extended family--has been along the lines of "need to know." It would probably be something I'd handle by just saying nothing until either A) I have closer relationships with someone, or B) until a boyfriend comes along. (At which point, I'd be open about his existence, and just let people connect the dots.) This policy seems like best choice, given the nature of the relationships. As for my father in specific, there has been one recurring fantasy of saying nothing--not one damn thing--until the day comes to send a wedding announcement (which would do all talking). But...the policy may need review if the relationship with my father improves dramatically. It might; one never knows. He expressed in one e-mail a sadness about the loss of the relationship we once had. And so...if things improve, it may force a coming out. Maybe not force force, but it may suddenly become relevant, need to know. I sort of dread that conversation, frankly: we've generally just totally skirted the whole human sexuality thing, except perhaps by oblique comments. I have no idea how or why this got started, although it does crack me up thinking that professionally he talks about reproductive systems on a regular basis (teaching anatomy classes to nursing students). But that is tomorrow's worry; there are far bigger issues to address before that. It will be interesting to see what happens...
To me, personally, when it is possible to restore a relationship, I think it is worth the effort. I went for 20 years without seeing or talking to my sister. We hadn't fought it was just a combination of me moving a lot, not making an effort, and a general discomfort with family. Is the fact that I'm gay a part of that? I don't know, but it could make sense. So, going into something like your father, if there is no trauma or real pain that you can't get past, I would let go both of the past as much as possible; and I would totally let go of expectations. If he wanted to meet for a cup of coffee, I would just see it as that. From there, what happens, happens. and me personally, I wouldn't sweat what I would say about being gay. I would probably wear something like a gay pride wrist band, and would decide ahead of time how I would answer any questions (like, "do you wear that because you're gay?" "yes"). And if in the course of conversation and catching up it seems appropriate to mention that you have come to accept being gay, that's fine too. but I wouldn't sweat it. Just a simple meeting. and if it doesn't materialize, well, you can still go get a cup of coffee and thank God for making you the whole, complete, loving gay man that you are! (&&&)
Hello, My advice is to be careful and not expect too much from seeing your dad. I only say this because i went home this Christmas to see my family only to be told to fuck off and it being made very clear that i was not wanted by any of them. It isnt nice finding out at Christmas that you have no family. Try to make it very clear that you are keen to see him but go somewhere easy like getting a coffee or lunch if you like. I hope the meeting goes ok for you but if you are completly rejected by your family come back here and talk to us and we can help you through it. Molly xxx
Hey BMC, I never got to know my own father, when I was 3 or 4 years old, I was living at my grandmother's after the divorce, and he would be this guy who would come to visit every now and then. But after a while, he disappeared and I didn't see him again until I was 16, then after that, not until my daughter was born when I was 39. That was the last time I saw him alive. I went to his funeral in Mexico when I was 51. I only cried actual tears when I recited the Kaddish as he was being buried...these were tears of regret for what could have been, for all the time lost, for all the things that could have happened but didn't. Your father misses his son, all he can do is wait for you. Fathers do things that can hurt deeply, mine did, and I cut him off for it, I hope you can find forgiveness first, then honesty and openness. He doesn't have to accept you for what you are, but it would be nice if he did because it would give him more of what he said he wants, which is a relationship with you. Come out to him, don't expect anything, answer his questions and concerns, keep it as calm as possible, try to keep alcohol out of the meeting as things can get heated fast, and stand your ground. Either he accepts you for who you are, or, if not, you can simply resume things as they were.
Thanks, everyone! Keep it simple, keep it low expectations is, I'm thinking, the best approach for now. I'm especially keeping the low expectations in mind given past history. Have some hope, I guess, but at the same time be ready for that hope to be dashed. The only good news in all this is that total rejection isn't likely to happen. Problem is...the family that won't reject lives so far away. ---------- Post added 29th Dec 2014 at 07:20 AM ---------- tears of regret for what could have been is worth thinking about, and is something that has occurred to me from time to time. Again, worth thinking about. Thanks, greatwhale!
you are definitely in a very good place, mentally. your post reflects that. as good a place mentally as anyone good be, for such a powerfully emotional moment. whatever happens, you will be the star, because you have thought this through, and you seem to be very centered. I look forward to reading the rest of the story, when you get there.... (&&&)
Try not to think of this situation in terms of "policy" or "policies." That's somewhat structured. (That's like the pot calling the kettle black ... I'm very structured)! On the other hand, I see why you are going about it this way. You are building up the strength and solidity for this event. At any rate, this is a portal you might be going through. You will be moving through it at a pace you can't predict. It seems like you are doing a lot of hypothesizing about possible outcomes. I doubt that initial visits with your father will be much more than seeing what the other has been up to. They shouldn't be. They should be on the low maintenance side, but that's just what I think and everyone is different. I don't have a similar situation, so I'm comparing it to getting reconnected with people (i.e. friends) from someone's past. I think you need to take this one step at a time, with no expectations and no preconceived notions. While the outcome can vary, I do hope it goes in a direction that will be beneficial for you. Be sure to let us know what you are thinking and what transpires in the interim.
I'll keep everyone posted. Although the "rest of the story" does seem likely to me to drag out and out and out for a long time. Even in the best case scenario, we are dealing with 30-35 years of negative baggage... ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2014 at 09:05 AM ---------- I am probably being too structured, and certainly spending a lot of time hypothesizing about possible outcomes. Part of this is, I guess, to give a feeling of strength. Also a feeling of some sort of control, even though that is an illusion: I can't control the situation 100%; at best I can control my actions, although, at times, I may not do a good job of that. (I don't deal well with being under fire, which is one reason why I tend to plot and scheme beforehand.) This has been my thought. Probably true.
well, the rest of the story probably won't be known until we're on the other side of the dirt. So perhaps I should say, we're looking forward to the next chapter of the story!
Hi, My dad is passed but he was great. Fine relationship. He knew I was gay, never told him, he just never discussed it. My mother... pain in the butt. All her kids have issues with her. Passive aggressive negativity. Like a fool I stopped in to see her xmas day. Her first question; Why didn't your friends invite you to their home? Slamming my friends and me for choosing them. Answer: my friends did invite me, your invitation came first. Next time... i ditch her on any better offer. Tom
And it's quite possible that my father has figured out I'm gay... Although, again, he may think other things, such as "he's just never had a girlfriend because he's a social misfit!" (And yes, my father did label me a social misfit once, while arguing with my mother when he was divorcing her. As I say, there are years of negative baggage here!) That would probably be my reaction, too.
Totally understand. Neither do I. It's probably the unpredictable household I grew up in, as I learned from one therapist, and it's also probably boilerplate ISTJ wiring. But, I, too, tend to hypothesize about future situations and think of all the possibilities only to realize that all that hypothesizing and thinking was way out of proportion to the situation and how it finally shook out.
Hi, I only learned my father knew 14 years after his death. When I was in my early 20's my sister then in her early 30's approached my parents and asked if they thought I was gay (Duh, never a date, glued to same guy for years ). My parenr's stated "That is not discussed", I heard that story for the fist time at age 55. The only person I was fooling was myself. Why it was off bounds has never been discussed. Every time "gay" comes up my mother hesitates (deer in headlights) and abruptly changes conversation. I am not going to challange her at age 86. I have enough of an answer and I will bet her reason differs from my dads. He was an engineer, a rocket scientist, and in the 70's "gay son" could have jeopardized his military clearance and financially hurt the family. Or my mom's reason, or both. unimportant now. The oppurtunity was lost over 30 years ago. But it never affected my relationship with my dad. So as you say, your issue may not be "gay", but just a pain in the butt like my mom.
