Hi everyone, I need some advice. I am feeling a little down because i feel stupid. Well for some background i am bisexual. i have a hard time admitting this to myself let alone others. I have basically avoided relationships with anyone for years because i didnt not want to deal with acting on bisexual thoughts and seeking out companionship. So i just avoided relationships in my 30s but now that i am in my early 40s i feel like i am wasting time and my life. I feel bad about not being straight and desperately wish i was and that i could put all of this behind me. but you like what you like. I live in a different place than where i grew up but i am constantly worried about someone finding me from my hometown. It feels like u r in a secret hiding and you hope noone ever finds out. It seems stupid to operate this way. I am very concerned with others think of me. I drunk texted a crush who is gay but not interested in me. I didnt say anything suggestive but just wanted to hang out. I felt stupid for doing that and of course no response. I also think someone from my home town who is gay suspects i am gay/bi as well and may be gossipimg about me or that i may have added fuel to the fire. Really as old as i am who cares. But i feel always worried about that. I guess where i need help in is that i am in a rut and i keep feeling bad about this orientation and avoiding itbut i definitely want to be in a relationship and have great experience with a partner but i am so messed up in the head i cant even get to a place of comfort or self acceptance to feel ok about myself. I have been trying to feel better and come out to a few more people in the city i live but its hard. I feel like i have wasted so many years trying to get comfortable but still at square one. I feel like a failure and horrible person. Can anyone shed any light or help me. ---------- Post added 28th Dec 2014 at 05:18 PM ---------- I guess my question is how do i stop being so worried about what others think about me or being outted by others. Then i do stuff that would potentially out me. Also i have this fantasy that i can still go back to being straight but i know i like guys. I feel really immature and stupid.people keep tellin me i need to get comfortable with myself but i dont know how. Counseling didnt seem to help much. I feel like i tried a lot of stuff but still feel like crap. I came out to a few people but still try and contain then into secrecy and have fear when i feel they may expose me. Im tired of hiding and lying but im scared of being "gay" or "bi" labeled and what that may mean for me. I feel like fruends and family that i have told are tired of hearimg me moan about it and want me to be happy. I just dont know how. I also feel like im running out of hope and maybe things arent ever going to get better.
I wish I had the money to go on tour, giving speeches about this type of thing. Morons, religious brain dead fanatics, advertising, movies, TV, and the media...even the gay society itself has got you believing that your personal preferences are a "thing" to be bought, sold, transferred, talked about, and "dealt with". BULLSHIT!! YOUR personal life is NO ONE else's business! This includes who you want to date or be in a relationship with (as long as it is adult and consensual). Your feelings, emotions, and personal preferences are not a "thing" to be subjected to anybody else's conditions, judgments, or approvals. Screw everybody else! You don't need anything from them. Your personal life and personal preferences are NONE of anyone else's business. And if they think that it is their business, then you certainly do NOT need them in your life, much less being around you. All YOU need to do, is be the best possible human being you can be. They will like and/or love you for the person you are, not for some stupid labels society and the media has deemed as something important that everybody needs to have! Labels are bullshit. Stop believing in the labels, and start believing in YOU! You are attracted to who you are attracted too. Don't get caught up on society's hangups about this stuff. This is YOUR life, NOT theirs! You do what is right for you...not THEM. Don't worry about who thinks what of you, because they sure don't worry about what you think of them. Be the best person you can be. Anybody worth your time and efforts, will see what a decent person you are and not care about labels that society has placed on you. There are people out there who don't live by the labels and stereotypes, but you have to work at finding them. Unfortunately, there are a lot more shallow, worthless people in the world who want nothing more than to live by the label and what society and the media tells them. These people are your downfall, stay away from them. Look for those who don't care about the labels, who look for the person inside. When finding someone you want to get to know, get to be friends first. Don't rush things. Getting to know someone properly takes time and effort, and unfortunately most people cannot be bothered giving any effort into getting to know someone. If you do find someone who seems willing to give time to get to know you, and the feeling is mutual, then date. Dating is the next step in getting to know someone. Again, this takes time. So give it all the time it needs to develop. Love, sex, and dating are all completely different things, don't get them mixed up, that can only lead to self pity and depression. Keep your mind clear and your feelings centered on something stable. Once you get to know someone, whether its for friendship or something more, then you can decide what course you can take. Never say no to making friends. Finding a true friend can be better than finding a boyfriend. Boyfriends/girlfriends can come and go........but a true friend will always be there. Counselors are not something I advocate....but I would suggest you might try group therapy. From what I am "reading" from your thoughts and feelings here, I think you would do better in a group environment, seeing how others work, how they feel, how they work on their downfalls, how they conquer their fears, etc.... You are number one, and always need to come first. Don't worry about other people and what they think, as what they think has no bearing on your life, what you want to do, or how you want to live, much less who you want to date. If you work on just being a good person, then anyone worthy of being in your life will not give a damn about who you want to date, hang with, or be around. :icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg:icon_bigg
Things can always be better. But we have to be proactive in that to make them so because we are responsible for our own happiness. Why does it really matter if someone from your old hometown finds you? Will they discover your "secret" and send out a lynch mob? You seem more scared of yourself than anyone else. You are quite right, you don't need labels to be you. You don't like them so don't use them. Get comfortable with being you, and try and be you sober. Drink loosens our inhibitions but it makes it harder to accept the sober reality when you can pass yourself off as just acting out because you were drunk. Fear is a bigger deterrent to truth than any other blocking factor. You can spend the rest of your life analysing the potential outcomes of any response to your coming out and miss out on living altogether, or you can just live an authentic life being yourself and falling for whoever you want to fall for. You won't be truly fulfilled until you accept yourself for who you are though, and getting into a relationship before you get to that point is likely only to further confuse you. Deal with you first. The rest will follow once you are secure in yourself. Massive hugs, it's a long process but you are taking the right steps to get there xxx
Hey offmychest, Maybe you can try a thought experiment: imagine someone you may have known who has done something embarrassing or scandalous and it went public. Now try to remember how many times you have thought about that person since the event took place. Even if you have no such acquaintance or other relationship, I think you might get my point...people find out, they may talk about it for about 24 hours, and then they will return to their own concerns and urgent priorities. The fact of the matter is that most people don't really care what other people's sexual orientation is; even from your hometown, they will remember, they'll think about it for a few minutes and that's pretty much it. In any case, how often do you go there? Be precise of what it is you are afraid of: is it reputation, a threat of violence, just general embarrassment? What is it exactly that you are afraid of? You cannot deal with this fear without examining the contours and the limits of your fear. Before you can do anything with your life, the first condition that must be met is courage, you want a relationship? You're going to get a lot of false starts and rejection, it's the price of admission. You want to live with integrity? You're going to have to be open about who you are. I'm not saying go out and be reckless, but use your judgment and choose your battles wisely. Homophobia is far from being everywhere, there is no reason to be closeted to the extent that you are. I wish you well in this endeavour. Treat the discovery and revelation of yourself as an adventure, not something to be feared!
first thing is to stop regretting the past or "all those lost years." That is a trap, and you're best off not falling into it. Focus on the NOW, and on the future. Work on building up a social network where you are of like-minded people. So that means finding an LGBT-friendly church, synagogue, or whatever; if you have any religious inclination at all (and if not, please just ignore that recommendation); and find whatever LGBT resources are in your area, even if that means a bit of a drive. things like support groups, social groups, meet up groups. As far as worrying so much about people from your old town finding out, it sounds like this fear is really paralyzing you. you might even want to look for a therapist who specializes in LGBT issues, or coming out isssues. you can find names on Psychology Today's web site. And EC is a great place for you to be as you work through this. good luck! (&&&)
You probably have 'internalised homophobia' working against you. This can be quite deep rooted depending on your background. It stops you doing things for fear of being 'found out'. Its mainly a false construct of the mind. A sort of self-protection behaviour that can actually do much more harm than good. Worth reading up on this online to start with.
Hi guys all of what u said is right. Its hard because some people say come out to all. Some say donit at your own time. Some say date and get physical to make sure thats what you want. Some say hold off on sex. Seems like whatever you do someone has an opinion about it and what you should or should not do. I know for me that i probably need a different counselor or possibly group therapy (group being a bit more scary). I also may want to checknout a gay church or go to a gay meet up group. Many of the gay meet up groups are private and you have to submit a picture of yourself that may even go to the gay list online of who is all in the group. Even though that is hidden from others its still kinda scary for me. I just want to stop feeling bad about liking guys. I have watched youtube videos and stuff and its very inspiring. I have learned about the inner critic and how your inner voice can judge you. Its like i know all this stuff but cant seem to stop the self hate. Meanwhile life and years are passing me by. I see so many other gay guys that seem happy and adjusted and i feel like the only one on the edge of losing my mind.
You would benefit a lot by just socialising with gay men in a non-sexual environment. So a "meet up" group, a group therapy or just a LGBT social club … would all be ways of broadening your social circles .. and your chances of meeting special people is increased
