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New and Drowning

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by WTH8225, Dec 30, 2014.

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  1. WTH8225

    WTH8225
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    Hi all. I'm a 47-year old female, married with two kids. As I type, I can't even believe I'm doing this. I have been married for 20+ years and don't come from an "accepting" family. Very religious and judgmental. If I came out, my whole world would change. I've convinced myself to take one day at a time and deal with it, for the sake of my children and my so-called "life." Are there any females out there in the same situation? I really need someone to talk to about this.
     
    #1 WTH8225, Dec 30, 2014
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    there will be a lot of women responding, I'm sure, but I just wanted to jump in there right away and let you know that you are not alone. and that your experience is not unique to lesbian women. it is the same experience for gay men, perhaps even a bit more so because I think that we may be at a greater risk for losing contact with the kids; though that depends on the state. I'm sure that some states would go as hard on a lesbian mother as on a gay father. It is so hard that I kept up a complete facade until the last one was out of the nest. was that the right thing to do? I don't know. but I couldn't bear losing my kids, and I was always the caring and sensitive parent and I couldn't bear to imagine what they would face if the marriage broke up. the last one just left and I'm 59. I don't know what will happen next. I refuse to regret the past because the past includes those beautiful children being born into my life. but I don't know what my future will be. I'm out to some people, but not to my wife. though I am sure she suspects, and it might get to the point where we talk about it. communication has never been a successful part of our marriage, so it's even harder when there is something important to talk about. and in our case, we did stop having sex, and are pretty much living as brother and sister. I may be a man, but I know the pain that you are in because I am there too.
     
    #2 Wildside, Dec 30, 2014
  3. PNW73

    PNW73
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    I'm sort of in the same boat. While my family isn't judgmental, everything as I know it and my children know it would change completely. My son goes to a Catholic school, so I'm not sure how that would go over. There would be a lot of parents who wouldn't speak to me anymore. I love your idea of one day at a time. Sometimes I forget that and just want to rush into a new chapter. I'm terrified of that new chapter. Do you have plans for your future?
     
    #3 PNW73, Dec 30, 2014
  4. Penpal

    Penpal
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    (*hug*)Hi, welcome to the EC. I am 40, married and been with him for 19 years, now getting divorced for a lot of reasons. I have 2 children. Talk to me anytime you like. I know what you are going through. Take it one step at a time. Well done for taking the first step.
     
    #4 Penpal, Dec 30, 2014
  5. WTH8225

    WTH8225
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    Thanks so much for the swift responses! PNW73 -- my plans for the future include not thinking too much about the future! My one day at a time strategy is getting tougher. I do anything I can to not think about it. And Wildside - thanks for your input. I don't think it matters if we're the husband or the wife - we're all human after all. I, too, am living like a roommate with my husband. We are both biding time and trying not to lose it.
     
    #5 WTH8225, Dec 30, 2014
  6. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    Welcome.

    First, not "new" to your life, it is simply coming to ahead. Second, not "drowning", look you are only ankle deep. Relax, breath, this will work out.

    Breath.

    Tom
     
    #6 skiff, Dec 30, 2014
  7. Damien

    Damien
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    Hello WTH and welcome to ec, :smilewave
    well I might be a bisexual guy, but we do have a few things in common, actually. I've also got two kids (who I love dearly, and see most weekends), and our physical ages are quite similar. Being still within a marriage (while not being 'out') is, however, a complex situation that I am lucky to have escaped, but you will find that you are certainly not alone in that; I have read quite moving accounts here of folks in similar situations to yours. But you have taken a positive step in just talking about it. It's good to even just feel understood, and I have felt understood here, and I believe you will find such support and understanding, too.
    Andy. (*hug*)
     
    #7 Damien, Dec 30, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2014
  8. treatmeright

    treatmeright
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    Wow I'm crying now. When I read your post its just like I wrote it. Its so freaking weird how similar our situations are. I'm 44 and married with 4 wonderful kids and a great husband , but this life I live is not mine its an outside body experience and I'm waiting for it to end so I can start living.
     
    #8 treatmeright, Dec 30, 2014
  9. Damien

    Damien
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    Hi,
    I don't think there is any way to have a 'private conversation' as such, until one is a full member. But just writing messages on each others' walls, is a good way to communicate in the meantime. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2014 at 10:02 AM ----------
    Just quietly, before doing anything like that, I recommend you scroll up to the very top of this page, and read the big yellow and red box above...
    Andy :slight_smile:
     
    #9 Damien, Dec 30, 2014
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2014
  10. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Don't do this!

    Any posting of anything that can result in contact elsewhere is against Empty Closets' rules.
     
    #10 BMC77, Dec 30, 2014
  11. WTH8225

    WTH8225
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    Oh, sorry. Too bad. Could have really been helpful.
     
    #11 WTH8225, Dec 30, 2014
  12. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    just FYI for anyone who is wondering, this is from the EC code of conduct page:
    Privacy and security are of the utmost importance. Never post personal information to the public forums, your profile or the wall. This includes your full name, your email address, your phone number, your internet chat contact information (e.g. MSN, AIM, Facebook), or any url that reveals your personal information (e.g. MySpace profile, Facebook profile, YouTube profile), or any social networking websites (whether or not it links to your profile page). If you violate this rule, you will be subject to a temporary ban from the site for a minimum period of one month. No exceptions will be made. Repeated violations and disregard for this rule will result is a permanent ban.
     
    #12 Wildside, Dec 30, 2014
  13. BMC77

    BMC77
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    Yes.

    While restrictive, the EC security model can help keep the site safe. Unfortunately, it does create a certain amount of pain at times.

    If you stay for 2 weeks, have 50+ posts, you can apply for Full Membership. If approved, you can then use Private Messaging.
     
    #13 BMC77, Dec 30, 2014
  14. Martin

    Martin
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    Thank you to everybody who has clarified the security rules for the OP.

    WTH8225: As highlighted already, you are able to access the wall messaging system to engage in 1-to-1 communication with another member. Although this is publicly accessible to other members, it's the middle ground between providing communication features and ensuring that the organisation is able to make informed judgements on who has access to PM's, by allowing time to elapse before granting such access.

    Once a member has been here for 2+ weeks and has 50 or more posts, they can apply for 'full membership', which gives them the ability to send private messages and share contact information. Before then, they're subjected to an observation period to ensure that they are using EC for its correct purposes and pose no risk to other vulnerable members should they be given access to our private communicative features. Any violations of this, including posting contact information publicly, is met with a ban. It's actually a really unsafe way of passing on information given that EC has been heavily customised for search engine optimisations, so to post information publicly for one person would be the equivalent of broadcasting your number across New York Times Square just so the person next to you can get it.

    I understand these can be rather frustrating for people, particularly when over the age of 18, but they are what is recommended by internet safety guidelines for organisations managing user content amongst potentially vulnerable community bases. With EC covering a wide variety of scenarios that can leave people of all ages being vulnerable, our security has to be somewhat all-encompassing to ensure that we manage risk and safeguard everybody as collectively and efficiently as possible.
     
    #14 Martin, Dec 30, 2014
  15. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Martin -- how long does it usually take for those requests to get reviewed? any idea how backed up they are right now? thanks!
     
    #15 Wildside, Dec 30, 2014
  16. Martin

    Martin
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    We try and get them done from any time between 3-7 days, but more recently it has become something of a norm for each application to take up to a month or so to be approved (others may have experienced an even longer wait). Unfortunately, the growth of the community has outpaced the growth of the staff team, so we're dealing with record high numbers of applications per day with record low numbers of staff on the team.

    Saying that, as of today the form is undergoing some much needed maintenance, and that temporary downtime is giving the staff team some much needed breathing space to focus solely on the apps that are pending, so a significant chunk should be processed by next week. The target is to have them all finalised so that we can launch the new form without it overlapping with any pending apps under the old template, but that'll depend on whether there's any complex applications to manage. :slight_smile:

    So, yeah, it's a slow process at the moment, but there's changes being done as we speak to improve it, and there's more to come early in the new year. :slight_smile: Anybody who has an application pending should benefit from the expedited process we currently have in place whilst working to a deadline with the new form.

    Edit: I'm conscious of the fact that this is a support thread that I'm potentially hijacking, so if anybody has any further questions etc about anything related to the application system then there's a thread currently at the top of the Help and Feedback forum. If you post there I (or another staff peep) will answer it ASAP. :slight_smile:
     
    #16 Martin, Dec 30, 2014
  17. treatmeright

    treatmeright
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    Well, this procedure may seem tedious, but really its better be safe than sorry. Specially for me who live in homophonic society. As I read from the comment we can use the wall. Just bare with me to get used to how to do things in this site.
     
    #17 treatmeright, Dec 30, 2014
  18. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I know how you feel! I keep learning about new things on this site all the time, usually by things that people refer to in the threads. I've used the walls a lot, and it works pretty well. but like the threads, it's out there for anyone who wants to look at it. One thing is when someone else writes on your wall, if you want to answer them, click "view conversation" first, and then answer. when I was first using the wall I was just posting my response on my own wall, and so they didn't know I had responded. and then someone told me how to do it so that it shows up on the other persons wall.
     
    #18 Wildside, Dec 30, 2014
  19. treatmeright

    treatmeright
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    :lol::lol::lol: OMG I totally ignored this sign because I thought its an Ad, and come think of it I don't see Ads in this sites THAT SO COOL :eusa_clap

    ---------- Post added 31st Dec 2014 at 09:45 AM ----------
    Thanks for the tip I didn't know that :thumbsup:
     
    #19 treatmeright, Dec 30, 2014
  20. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    :lol::lol::lol: OMG I totally ignored this sign because I thought its an Ad, and come think of it I don't see Ads in this sites [/QUOTE]

    I keep looking for it, but I can't find any big yellow and red box at the top of the page. I just see a light blue box with links and stuff, but nothing like what you describe. is it on another page?
     
    #20 Wildside, Dec 30, 2014
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