1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

New Years Resolution.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by TreeClimber, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. TreeClimber

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 16, 2014
    Messages:
    27
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Massachusetts
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So tomorrow night is New Years. I told my shrink a year ago I would give it a year. The year has seen emotional, physical and mental abuse. We fought Christmas Eve; fought last night. As a former Boy Scout I hate lying to her that I love her. That I want to stay with her and will be happy. I do not. I am going skiing the second with my sister- the first, and only, person I came out to when I was nineteen. She has done the divorce thing herself. No kids involved though, just dog and house with me though. I honestly wanted to be done by now. Out on my own, tattoo on my ass, NYC on my 50th birthday. But that is not to be. I will get the tattoo and see NYC someday. I will be on my own this spring. The house repairs are done. As many know I am a tight wad Losing money on the house, nothing for retirement... I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!

    I have actually tried to kill myself twice in the past year- (yes shrink knows) man do I have access to drugs- but they failed. What kind of state of mind and existence is that? Not good!

    So as of January 1st 2015 all bets are off. I turn 50 the next week. I do not want to turn 51 in the same situation. I want to try and be me. This existence I have is NOT being me! It is still living a lie!

    So this is it- my new years resolution top priority number one- to get the hell out of my marriage and 'be gay'. Trust me I am scared shitless that I will go "Opps- made a mistake. Not gay." Then again one can only stumble if one walks. So I foresee a year a stressful year ahead (mom also has cancer- not good) I am worried about doing this and her. But I think she knows I am miserable. She keeps asking if everything is 'ok' between P. and me, and that she just wants her kids to be happy.

    I do not know what the future holds for me, but gawd dammit, I am going to stop being afraid; to be myself; and just fucking live...
    Like·Comment·Share
    Write a comment...
    Post