New Years Resolution.

So tomorrow night is New Years. I told my shrink a year ago I would give it a year. The year has seen emotional, physical and mental abuse. We fought Christmas Eve; fought last night. As a former Boy Scout I hate lying to her that I love her. That I want to stay with her and will be happy. I do not. I am going skiing the second with my sister- the first, and only, person I came out to when I was nineteen. She has done the divorce thing herself. No kids involved though, just dog and house with me though. I honestly wanted to be done by now. Out on my own, tattoo on my ass, NYC on my 50th birthday. But that is not to be. I will get the tattoo and see NYC someday. I will be on my own this spring. The house repairs are done. As many know I am a tight wad Losing money on the house, nothing for retirement... I DO NOT GIVE A FUCK!

I have actually tried to kill myself twice in the past year- (yes shrink knows) man do I have access to drugs- but they failed. What kind of state of mind and existence is that? Not good!

So as of January 1st 2015 all bets are off. I turn 50 the next week. I do not want to turn 51 in the same situation. I want to try and be me. This existence I have is NOT being me! It is still living a lie!

So this is it- my new years resolution top priority number one- to get the hell out of my marriage and 'be gay'. Trust me I am scared shitless that I will go "Opps- made a mistake. Not gay." Then again one can only stumble if one walks. So I foresee a year a stressful year ahead (mom also has cancer- not good) I am worried about doing this and her. But I think she knows I am miserable. She keeps asking if everything is 'ok' between P. and me, and that she just wants her kids to be happy.

I do not know what the future holds for me, but gawd dammit, I am going to stop being afraid; to be myself; and just fucking live!