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Out, well just a bit, now what?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JACT, Dec 30, 2014.

  1. JACT

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    DFW North Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I told my wife about a month ago, in the beginning it was intense, we were kind of afraid what that would do to us, the relationship, the marriage, now things are kind of quite, the questions have mostly stopped, life goes on, we don't speak about much any more.
    we agreed that I will not share details of what or who I crave sexually. so, great! now what!

    I often feel even more fake around all others in my life, because I now have accepted that I'm gay and they don't Know it, to bad that I feel it would be catastrophic in the eyes of my parents and In-laws, In a conversation with my mother I suggested a Hypothetical scenario where one of her sons, (not me) comes out as gay, well after chastising me for even suggesting such a horrific idea she goes on praising God for blessing her with 3 wonderfully straight sons that have married and produced an abundance of grandchildren, in addition pointing out that my marriage/family is an example that all others should follow.
    at this point I want to scream, cry, curse, explode and ................

    My In-laws I think, if I told them or some how found out, would have multiple heart attacks then they would summon all their Priest friends and perform an exorcism or multiple exorcisms if needed, I seriously think they would.

    I heard people say that it gets easier, in my case I'm a bit unsure.


    Thanks for patiently reading.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    well, the one good thing is that your wife doesn't want to know what you crave sexually (or have done). that's not a good place to go, and will satisfying their curiosity can end badly. All the rest of your story sounds like my background and situation. Where to next? well, breath deep, stay calm, and take it a day at a time. it was a HUGE leap coming out to your wife (CONGRATULATIONS!!!). having made that leap, it is unlikely that you won't eventually come out to other people. the coming out to "everybody" idea is always kind of a strange one, in the sense that we're not going to work a big pink letter on our chest so that everybody knows. there will be people who we should tell, and others who have no need to know, or more precisely, who we have no need for them to know. as far as your mother, well, are you thinking of breaking up with your wife and dating? if not, will it even make any sense to your mother? otherwise, if you are going to date men and want to be able to bring boyfriends over to her house, is there any need to deal with that now, when it is so far off from being a reality. the bigger issue may be where things are going with the wife. is the expectation that, fine your gay, now don't do anything gay, don't have anything to do with gay people, and just have sex with her on a regular basis until you die? If that was my intention, I wouldn't even consider coming out. but you did come out to her, so I'm thinking that you plan to take this further. and as it goes further, there will come a point when family needs to know. when you're at that point, what you need to do will either be obvious, or will have already taken care of itself. good luck! (&&&)
     
  3. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    :frowning2:. Imagine being a racist or at least having negative sterotypes against blacks and finding out later after doing an ancestry dna test that your genetic makeup isnt all white...that in fact you have black ancestors in the not far too distant past (a great grandmother). It would make the peraon possibly stop and question some of the views they had before the discovery. Your mom made need this "sexual identity dna test result" to make her shift her thoughts. If she knew you were indeed gay it may be a lomg road but i doubt ahe would love you any less. Or then again she could hold negative views against you. Who knows. Just know you are good enough as you are. Also know that living behind the straight mask is makimg everyone else hapoy but you. One day this will become too much and you will need to be happy for yourself.

    ---------- Post added 30th Dec 2014 at 10:41 PM ----------

    By the way....this quiet period is the denial and sweeping it under the rug period. As lomg as you keep up your straight persona and duties and continue to be straight....then your wife can handle the passing thought of your gay curiosity and chalk it up to being curious. However my guess is that A. She will never bring it up and live in denial. Or B. this will start festering like a wound and eventually it will get infected with jealously, pain, feeling of rejection, etc. My personal belielf is that eventually the sleepimg volcano will erupt one day and it will come to a head.
     
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    there are some books ot there and some internet sites about straight spouses married to gay men. I suggest them for your reading, not for hers, at least not until you have a chance to look at them. they are helpful for getting a sense of the cycle that straight spouses go through, and how they react. One of the things that strikes me is how a lot of times they can be really supportive to begin with, but then things change as it progresses. I have heard the grief cycle used as a way of explaining some of this, which makes sense. but learn as much as you can, so you know what to expect next.
     
  5. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    It gets easier if you work on solving it.

    I cannot imagine the denial you are experiencing.

    People get divorced for a million reasons, some just fall out of love, you do not need to wear a billboard as to why you married and divorced.

    See therapist, find your path.
     
  6. JACT

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    DFW North Texas
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Good points from everyone, Very much appreciated, I will be needing your support it seems, Thanks for been there for me.