Greetings, I have brought Esther Perel's presentation to this forum several months ago, but it bears repeating here with a few choice and wise quotes that I think strongly highlight the tensions between love and desire. Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship | Talk Transcript | TED.com Here are some hightlights worth quoting (I have bolded/underlined those parts that I find most powerful): I have spoken before of the need to sublimate sex into higher realms, those of the imagination that Perel talks about, it really does distinguish us from the animals. We have many languages that can be learned in the scandalous (not politically correct) realm of the erotic, it's what keeps long-term relationships alive and vibrant. It is really worth listening to this important TED talk, there is a wealth of wisdom for those of us willing to enter into long-term committed loving relationships filled with desire. Our existential condition: solitude, cannot be overcome by a single relationship, the "optimal distance" Perel speaks of is that distance required to maintain and at the same time contain the mystery of the other, two solitudes who maintain that connection by always wanting and going towards what they already have.
That was incredibly interesting. I mostly just lurk here and don't really have anything else to add, but seeing as this didn't get many replies, I just wanted to thank you for sharing. I really enjoy posts like this one.
I think the level of replies is low because the nature of the topic is so complex. It's almost like one of those concepts or questions that, if you spent too much time analyzing it, your head may implode. And we don't want that to happen! Briefly, I think it's much easier to experience desire than it is to experience love. If a person has to mentally reconcile the two, then they are certainly not in love ... at least not in my book.
I watched it from the link in your blog, it's really good talk but how can we candle a non existing desire from the first place. In my case the grass is always greener in the other side. But I'm with here that distance and time affect desire. In my opinion love can withstand obstacles but desire can increase or decrease with surroundings and situations.
I had originally posted this thread in the Relationships section but later realized that it would probably be more pertinent among the Later-in-Life crowd. Many of us have lived in long-term relationships where the question of desire and love were frequently in conflict, so this was an attempt at understanding the dynamic between these two opposite poles. I am a forward-looking person, but I do not hesitate to contemplate and learn from the past. If one learns something from what happened before, whatever it is, I don't consider that event to be a "failure". So the intent of bringing this to the Forum was to share some learning that could be applied to the present possibility of future long-term relationships; by the time one reaches a certain age, one should have learned a few things along the way, and long-term relationships can "fail" in many ways if we're not, as Perel suggests, willful, intentional, focussed and present to this other person who chose to share their life with you. Desire waxes and wanes over time, but one can create the conditions that bring it back. There is a rhythm to long-term relationships and one needs to understand the fundamental tension between the care and nurturing of love, on the one hand, and the need to periodically go to those "naughty", imaginative places where desire is rekindled.
