I feel like such a mess right now, feeling really depressed and down...i sincerely hope someone will comment on my story I am 36 now and i was diagnosed with a depression when i was 20. At that age i started taking anti-depressants. It was most likely because i was feeling different and didnt want to accept my sexuality. I ve overcome social anxiety, forms of body dismorfic disorder and other mental disruptions. I never ever felt the need to Engage in a relationship...first of all because i was not out, second of all i had my mental problems. I thougt my life was ok, nothing more. I had some sexual encounters with girls and guys, even though i was more attrackted to guys, it probably helped me maintain my facade of fitting in society just fine. In my heart i knew i was gay and i even told some people, ususally in between beers, that i ve slept with guys too..Kept it really casual .The last year after i felt strong about myself and i finally had the time and the courage to quit my medication...it was really hard, its like a drug addiction I ve heard storys about quitting the AD makes room for self reflection but i was ready to face it. After all i felt strong and loved and good about myself. Thats all ruined now. After a month free of meds i knew i the back of my mind there was something wrong. And then i realised, i was gay and the most important people didnt know about it. I felt extremely guilty towards my parents, they had to know. That triggered anxiety attacks i ve never had before because i was scared to tell them, I really was forced to tell, my anxiety prevented me from eating and sleeping, losing 5 kg in two weeks. i figured, once my secret is out i can find peace. WRONG, i still suffered from panic attacks and overall anxiety for the hardest few weeks of my life after i told my parents...I knew i had to tell other family and my closest friends as well because i wanted to get rid of that anxiety. Now i ve told the most intimate group around me and i ve never felt so depressed and down in my life. Coming out wasnt a relieve for me...it made me reflect myself. I realised i ve never ever had a good relationship, never really was loved and i crave for it now..I feel like a loser since most of my friends have relationships and children and i dont...and i want a relationship with a guy, they have all girlfriends... I feel like the odd one out and i never ever experienced thus before. Its frightening and depressing. From a strong and secure guy i m a mental wreck with little hope for the future.. I guess AD prevented me from being myself. Now ia m on the AD again, to cope with the feelings right now. I really dont know what to do with myself. My secret is out but all it left was a big mess. I am feeling ashamed of who i am, i am feeling a dissapointment to my parents, i am feeling like the guy people think about when they are having a bad time in order to make them feel better about themselves... The worst part is that i am not proud of myself. And i crave to be in a relationship, but how can i as i am not proud of who i am... Maybe someone can relate to this story and know what to do? Thx jerry
Hey Jerry Shitty time of year as well for a lot of people. I hope you can get some release soon… First BIG congratulations for telling your parents. That must have been a real moment .. and then … huge anticlimax. I think ADs have a role to play … but they, and the act of coming out itself, are not always enough for all people it is often about you accepting yourself and being comfortable with yourself which is a whole other matter … and liking yourself - it sounds like you need to progress more in this area to get some relief? do you have an opportunity for some independent professional advice from a therapist or psychiatrist on managing these issues ? did your parents not take it well - is that part of the problem too?
Hey bingostring, My parents were great, couldnt be better....friends were allright too. It is just i feel so fragile and insecure. I still have that feeling "why me" . I guess itmeans i havent accepted myself. How do i do that..is it time? Is it talking to people about it and gathering " positive feedback" so that i know i am ok who i am? I have a therapist but on this matter he has no clue. How did you do it? Grts
Well, I wish I could say I have sorted it but the truth is a bit different… I am glad your parents were positive. That is really valuable. I firmly believe that a lot of us carry a huge amount of self hate, brought on through internalised homophobia.. often this was implanted in us in the very early stages in life. Self hate, low self esteem , is the complete opposite of the "feeling proud" you rightly crave they are so deep rooted sometimes that any amount of intellectual rationalisation can't quite shift it firstly, if you have a therapist with 'no clue' I suggest you consider a therapist who has definitely got a clue! If you don't want to leave the current therapist .. I would definitely bring it up as an area you insist on working on.. and make him do some homework!! secondly I would suggest a lot of steps in improving your 'chances' .. that is to say, do some uncomfortable things that expose you to more people, more gay friends as a support network, and from this a relationship is far more likely to happen naturally. This can be uncomfortable because, if you are depressed, you are probably isolating yourself from social situations. If you can set up some challenges in this sort of area (going to events, joining groups etc) you can break down some of the walls that are imprisoning you once a good support group exists around you you can begin to feel proud about yourself … once a relationship is on the road the many other issues will fall away automatically. have you tried some inroads in to expanding your social circles?
Bingostring has made some great suggestions, Jerry36, but I'd like to make another one, if I may. Let your AD prescriber know how you're feeling! Many of those meds carry warnings about possible increased feelings of depression, and he or she will want to monitor you to keep you safe. Also, if this is not the same person as your therapist, they may have some suggestions about who might be helpful to talk to in their particular orbit.
