Hey EC. Back again... Near the end of last year I decided to finally take some real steps toward reconciling myself with my sexuality. After the breakup with my ex of 6 years, I started doing anything I could to make change happen. I stopped my Christian-based therapy, I started running, I tried out a couple accepting churches, I talked to a pastor, and I found a small gay group to hang out with (non-sexually). I managed to come out to a close friend of mine who accepted me off the bat, which felt really good. I focused on hobbies I wanted to get better at, I spent more time with my friends, and I made a small list of things I want to do. However, I'm still dealing with some pretty severe self-worth issues. I'm not fully comfortable around my gay group; I'm still on guard with them and I don't tell anyone of my activities there either. My family still knows nothing, and I had a very evangelical Christmas break (we sang Happy Birthday to Jesus), fun for me when also questioning my faith. I still don't have anyone close to talk to about my sexuality and faith issues except my ex, who I simply don't (if ever) feel comfortable talking to about this. I just find her comments on the topic off-putting, hurtful, and it makes our interactions awkward. I write all of this as a progress report more to myself than anyone else. I think I've done some work, but it doesn't feel like it at times. I look forward to getting myself out there more although I still have a lot of guilt and shame. I have up days feeling good in my own skin and down days where I cry and feel like hiding in bed. But I thank all of you here for taking the time and effort to post your stories and advice, and listen to me in my little corner of the world. It's so helpful to read that I'm not alone, even though more often than not it feels like it.
Just want to say we're here for you. These things take time. I'm also a late bloomer. I can say in the past 3 or 4 years where I finally came out to very conservative friends, I've had no issues. I have a boyfriend now who lives with me. I hope to make it a lifetime relationship and I think he does too. There is an age gap - 10 years. We've been dating for about 2 years and he's been living with me for about 9 months now. The short of it is - it does get better and it can (will) work out for you too. Keep your head up and do what's right for you. We're here for you. C
It does get easier. Think of it like going swimming. Some people jump right into the pool and deal with the shock quickly and start swimming. Others (like me!) stick a toe in, maybe wade in up to the knee and splash around a bit, and take their time psyching themselves up before finally taking a deep breath and ducking completely under the water. Once you do that, you're comfortable in the water, but it can take a long time to reach that point. It might help to think of coming out less as telling this person and that person, and becoming more and more publicly gay, but instead, as gradually becoming more comfortable with YOURSELF, at which point the opinions of others won't matter nearly as much to you anyhow. It can be a very slow and gradual process, like sticking your toe and then your lower leg and then your lower body into the pool to get used to the feeling, and then diving in. Or it could be a sudden sink-or-swim thing. The important thing is that you do it at the rate you can handle, and allow yourself time to process and adjust if you need it. I was just 51 when I came out to the first person, and told just a few people here and there before telling my wife nearly a year later. I nervously told a few more people after that, but suddenly I found myself in a relationship with a guy, and my progress out of the closet accelerated a lot. Point is, this is your experience and it's tough enough without beating yourself up with worries and expectations that really aren't important. You are learning how to be yourself, and that's a positive thing, no matter how much time it takes or what reactions you get. And for the record, I have been very happily surprised at the huge amount of support I've gotten from very unexpected sources, and the positive and neutral people have vastly outnumbered the negative ones. The pool felt very cold at first but it really wasn't so bad. Keep at it. It gets easier and better as time goes by.
I'm a couple of years younger than you, but I know how you feel. I am trying to be myself instead of hiding who I really am, and actually took a huge step a few days ago. I'm going with the philosophy on "not giving a crap about what other people think", but it's hard. I hope it gets easier, and as cscipio said, we're here for you.
This process is so slow and painful. I still feel like I have no place in the world, even though I'm trying real hard to look in the mirror and realize that lie. Some people have recommended that I start dating. I'm not sure. I do want to make friends and I have desires like anyone else, but I'm still not comfortable living openly. I talk to my ex every now and then and we're still close and trying to be friends, but I just don't feel comfortable telling her I'm hanging with homosexuals. I don't want that religiously charged argument. A piece of me wants to rip this bandaid off, live as out as I can stand, hold nothing back with my ex, and let the cards lay where they fall. At the same time, I still struggle with my mental health, and I don't want a speed bump in that process to become a bad feeling that turns into self-harm. It's really hard for me to not care what others think, even outside of my sexuality.
I can really identify with those up and down swings. That doesn't make it any better, for you or for me. but I guess it tells me that this is a normal aspect of the process of coming out. you really have made a lot of great progress already, and I can really understand the obstacles that you still face. The only thing that comes to me at this point is that we just have to keep living life one day at a time, sometimes just one moment at a time; and believing that things will get better. It's so hard sometimes. It's so hard right now for me, and my heart is really with you as you face your struggles. At least this is one place where we can find people who understand.
Hey EC. It's been a while, so I wanted to give an update on where I am. Within the past couple months, I decided to move far, far away and get a fresh start somewhere else. So far it seems like a good decision; I'm finally away from the bubble of influence that was oppressing me, but also away from the friends who helped me escape my thoughts. I've been focused on trying to secure my job and meet new people doing new things. It's going okay. I feel real lonely here. I'm trying to make a new group of friends but I feel so awkward. Every event I go to has existing groups and it's hard to fit in. I miss my ex. I miss sharing myself with her. She may be opposed to homosexuality, but I enjoyed making her happy and seeing her smile. My mood swings are really wild. I was good for a while, but recently I hit a pocket of depression - I'm tired, I don't want to talk to anyone, I hate my reflection, etc. I just want someone I can vent to, someone I can invite to all of these cool things I'm finding to do, or share what new thing I discovered, or listen to a new album with me, or learn something neat and interesting about them, or go walking in a park with. Or just sit with me in my room and tell me that it will be okay, full stop no strings. Someone who isn't threatened by my waning religious beliefs. Someone I can hug "in that way". Anyway, I just wanted to share that. Thanks for reading.
I can relate I'm not at out all and barley this year I decided to make some changes. Instead of looking for someone I decided to concentrate on me. My health and hobbies, learning to work out and take up reading and cooking. Your not alone those bouts of depression can leave you feeling just utterly hopeless. Don't let them last, I plan to try rock climbing and hiking this year although by myself i think I prefer it that way for bit. I can understand wanting to find someone I have the same hopes and desires and thanks to the support I received on here I realized it can happen. If you need someone to talk to message me, I'm a pretty good listener. Hope this helps take care.
@bookworm1986: I came out to a few more friends so that I have people to talk to, but I'm not sure if they get it. Like you, my plan is to focus on myself and find enjoyment from within, but I still feel a little isolated. I have such a hard time opening up to people. I'm trying to downplay the importance of my sexuality to friends so that it's not a big deal, even though it is a big deal but just to me. Since they are all straight, I then have to explain to them a subculture that I don't quite understand in a way that somehow captures why I'm upset. I have to constantly be "on" trying to make new friends but not scare them away revealing too much too soon. I think it's cool you're doing rock climbing. I started myself a few weeks ago and I find it fun.
@MarthRoylke Thanks, it's an interesting endeavor given my deep deep fear of heights, lol. I can relate most of my friends are straight married and frankly judgemental so I keep this part of me to myself. I hope in doing all these new activities I can find new friendships or least meet new people.
