Things are really ugly with my boyfriend. We are seeing each other for about 2 months and I wanted to have something more serious with him, but it seems he is not tailored to relationships. Even thought he told me he would like to have a serious relationship in reality I do not think this is true. He works 6 or 7 days a week, always finding excuses for not seeing me or replying my messages in time. We had also some minor problems which I told him that we could talk about it so we could find solutions together but it seems he doesn't want or tolerate problems. When I asked him about previous relationships he told he only had one boyfriend 10 years ago but that never lived with the guy. I think if my boyfriend, with 50 yo, didn't have a serious relationship with anyone, it would be very difficult to have one with me, since he has had all of his life lived as single and it is very difficult for him to share a live with anyone. What do you think about this?
Yeah, I'm thinking the same way as you. His idea of a serious relationship seems to be only on his terms, without consideration of what you want and need. It is difficult, but I think it is time for you to move on.
If this is what it's like only 2 months in, then I wouldn't be optimistic of a future, at this stage of a relationship people are still wearing their "best" qualities - and he's clearly quite set in his ways and not looking for change. Hugs x
Hi, Last evening we had a meetup function. Everyone was contacted, given a vote on movie, dinner or bar and when it was all settled with the group only three people showed up, two of whom are partnered. I do not know what is freaking wrong with the gay community in this area. OP... your experience seems standard. The only thing I can think of is the dating pool is so tiny later in life and the majority of those are single because they don"t want a relationship or are incapable of one. They will say anything to get you into their bed and then walk away. Standard thing herero woman go through. I suspect you would be better off looking in a gay men married to woman support group. Those guys have better relationship skills.
Yes and no ... Yes: people have become accustomed to being on their own and have their routine which a relationship would throw a wrench into, people sometimes have enough drama of their own that they don't want someone else's thrown into the mix, people have not relaxed their standards ... at all (maybe they need to look in the mirror and/or step on the scale), and other reasons No: people have gotten a lot of things out of their system and would not mind the steady companionship and, hopefully, access to regular sex that a relationship would bring I guess I'm front loaded on the "Yes, they're difficult" side of this coin. Let's take off the rose colored glasses. Some people are not meant to couple, and that does not mean they are always damaged. Some have been burned, possibly badly, but some just have an incredibly potent independent streak. The perpetually single person among the ranks of LGBT folks is more common than among straight people, as far as I can tell.
Relationships require sacrifices. There is no such thing as a checkbox approach to relationships. There are a lot of guys with a checkbox approach and many just too settled in their own ways to be flexible for someone else. I think this is more so with those later in life, where age brings with it creatures of habit.
Hi Tightrope, Is it independence or walls upon walls of defenses? Growing up gay in the 60-90's was not a healthy environment for a gay person. From family to friends, to workplace, to laws it was a struggle. The add the AIDS crisis where for a long time making love, having sex, could have been a death sentence. Trust was shattered, you were always on guard, always on defense. Is it an indepensent streak or something else? Emotionally it was not easy to be gay 60-90'
I've reached the same conclusion. In addition to the reasons already stated, there is less societal pressure for gays to enter and maintain long term relationships. Usually there are no kids in the mix (this particular forum being an exception), which removes the glue that holds so many straight relationships together long past their expiration date.
I hope you right because I'm worried I'm going to be the "stuck-in-my-ways" person in a relationship.
I think that's one reason I like the company of young guys. They are still exploring what they like and aren't as stuck in their ways. And for me, it's not even all about the sex -- in fact I've had "buddy" type relationships with younger guys that never led to sex but they were enjoyable (for me at least) just to have somebody to hang out with. I have tried looking at dating type sites and stuff and I think you are right, it does seem to be more difficult the older you get.
Both. I've always been independent and, as a kid, that meant just doing things on my own. While the thread addresses relationships, I'll say that the work environment has been more hostile to navigate ... and within the last 10 years ... and in a liberal enough area. Go figure. As far as relationships go, the wall of defenses is to ward off the flakiness I see, and this goes from the whitest of the white collar to the bluest of the blue collar. How many times do people have to zip up in 3 seconds and run, saddled with guilt and fear, after spooging? As for sexual and reproductive health, I wouldn't say time has made the fear go away, but both the health community and people in general have a much better handle on what transmits HIV and what doesn't. Being on the dark on this one at one point (oral sex, sharing utensils, kissing, etc.) really threw people into a tailspin. There was a lot of hysteria in the air. Some treated G/B guys poorly because of the AIDS crisis but I think that it was MOSTLY that they were a sexual minority and those doing the discriminating couldn't relate to it, either because they were into being heteronormative and traditional, or it was spoon fed to them from their pulpit of choice.
Hi, You missed my point I think... i was talking past, ingrained fear that shaped those over ge. 40. An unrelated example would be people growing up in the Great Depression and how it later shaped their lives. Tom
I think that if someone is gone "working" all the time, there is a good chance that there is something else going on. what something else? your mind may jump to there being another person. that's always a possibility, no denying it. but it can even be someone choosing to stay a few more hours working on a project because he is in no rush to get home, or would actually just rather not go home, or to his partner, boyfriend, significant other, etc. I don't know if that is the case in your situation; but it does sound like the two of you are looking for different things, and that creates a lot of stress. that leaves you the option to decide whether you would rather change the goals or change the players in this game.
Your fine Really! All is well and follow life. No bad choices, all are opportunitys to learn and grow.
Possibly I'm one of the jerks. I don't beguile guys into bed (still nearly a virgin) but I'm super particular. I've been accused of self-sabotage, impossible to please, etc. Initially I hit it off with the guy(s), dates go well and they seem hopeful that things are going to progress, but then I pull the plug. I'm willing to admit that I'm afraid to be happy because I fear heartbreak. But it's more than that; if I don't see a long term, meaningful relationship in the making I feel it's better to bail early before anyone gets too hurt. I assume it's possible that my intent could be misunderstood and that I come across as a jerk. I hope not. I'm friends with almost all the guys I've dated, so I suppose not.
As we age, the joy of life becomes too precious to waste. The courtship I was denied in my twenties, has reappeared in my later adult life. This forum has opened myself to explore the multi-facets of friendships.
