After coming out three years ago, dealing with death in my family, unrequited love, unstable employment, and coinciding depression in the time since, I've found myself at a weird place. For a brief period when I first came out, I felt a confidence in myself that I hadn't felt before that time or since. I seem to be stuck in a rut and digging myself deeper in it. To fill the voids in my life and keep depression at bay, I've become heavily involved with volunteer work related to my profession. However, it's at the point where it's not filling those voids and I'm not sure what exactly to do to make my situation any better. I get some fulfillment with the volunteering I do, but I want to be in a position where I feel wholly-fulfilled and happy. And for me, happiness would be finding a soulmate. In regards to romantic/sexual relationships in my life, there are none to speak of. Outside of some friends that have come out to me as bisexual and are already partnered up, I have not met any men that are gay/bi and available during my seasonal jobs or volunteer work. All through my undergrad and grad school time I was so closeted I was shut down to the idea of dating and didn't allow myself to be attracted to anyone (well, until the end of grad school when several factors converged to make me finally come out). Since thinking I was in love with a guy that was a probable closet-case--that more or less used me and took me the last three years getting over--I've been emotionally shut down to the idea of dating and have been very guarded around anyone who I find myself even superficially attracted to. Part of this is also because my experience thus far has shown me that I have a snowball's chance in hell of actually meeting someone in my day-to-day life that isn't straight or lying about it. Additionally, for the whole period that I was closeted up through now, I've rarely been able to make or maintain eye contact with anyone that I would be attracted to. Even walking in public, I still have a hard time even bringing myself to check out cute guys or make eye contact with someone walking by for fear of homophobia. Recently I've noticed myself being maybe even being more guarded around any attractive guys my age I meet, to the point where I feel like I can't even really be too friendly with them or I'll fall down the same rabbit hole I fell down with the "straight" crushes I've had before. I think that forcing myself into the online dating scene and forcing myself to try to open up emotionally again might be the only thing that will help me regain any confidence, but that's easier said than done. My trust issues and fear of intimacy still cause hesitation for me anytime I consider registering on one of those online dating sites. Deep down I still want to have a relationship and truly be in love with someone, but just focusing on jobs/volunteer work and hoping that I'll meet someone continues to be fruitless. I have a hard time believing the tired "you'll find someone when you're not even expecting it" line I keep being told by friends/family. I've felt like I'm too far gone for a very long time now and I don't know how to get out of this self-fulfilling prophecy of failure. I thought coming out was the hard part, but I've been out for 3.5 years with nothing to show for it yet. I honestly don't know how so many people are finding partners after coming out with all the baggage we carry around. I continue to feel like such a fucking alien. :bang:
A lot of your story resonates with me. I came out almost two years ago - it was hard, but empowering at the time. I felt good for a while but after burying myself in work and hobbies - thinking that I would find love haphazardly through those avenues - I find myself still where I was when I first came out, and as you put it, "with nothing to show". I am also painfully shy and evasive around guys I find myself attracted to, for exactly the same reasons you put. It always kills me when I realise that they really were looking at me in a nice way. I truly believe that finding love in a random way is possible - but by definition, it largely comes down to luck. And I understand the anxiety that is caused by that sort of uncertainty. Thing I've realised and now believe though, is that you are in control of the odds by the lifestyle choices that you make - whether or not you put yourself out there by making eye contact with that cute guy, by making an online dating profile, or (god forbid) trying to flirt with a random stranger at a bar etc. Of course it's not about maximising odds at all cost - you need to find a balance. The problem is that a lot of people have trouble finding that point and confuse finding the 'right' amount of balance, and a comfortable amount of balance. I know for myself that I've been living too comfortably, and that I need to stretch myself. On paper I understand this. But rationality only seems to drive change in a very limited way. What I believe is needed is something more drastic. For me, it's to move out of home - actually, I'm planning to move abroad. When I'm at home I'm entirely comfortable (not necessarily happy, but indeed comfortable). I think a shock to the system like that would help give me a new perspective and to uproot myself from this comfy little jail cell I have kept myself in. So in a very long winded way, I guess I would ask you, what do you think is holding you back now and what could you do to give yourself a new perspective? Your experience with unrequited love has given you a certain perspective, but are you set on restricting yourself to wear those lenses forever? Just thinking out loud.
Thats interesting.. I call my home my "comfortable prison". It is safe but it is also killing me at the same time. It helps me not do things I should be doing with my life. Sigh :tears:
I felt confident in myself too after coming out but it was a strange feeling, now I don't feel so much like that anymore. I'm sorry you're struggling with social phobias. perhaps seeking professional support may help you with this. or you could talk with others who have the same struggles and try to do challenge yourself little by little each day. it helps to expose yourself to the things you are afraid of. if I can say something, it would be maybe not to put too much pressure on yourself to become confident again by forcing yourself into a dating situation. I would instead focus on yourself and becoming the person you once where, trying to gain self-confidence each day before considering dating.
I find your posts very distressing. I had expanded my dating pool to those in their late twenties not because I have a thing for young people but because they seem to carry less baggage than those in their forties and fifties. If anything they appeared quite natural and open to me. I recently sought out a gay therapist in my area and he confirmed the issues that I was facing dating how common the issues were and how many were struggling with the same exact issues of finding stable people to date in the gay community. he asked the question if I ever considered moving closer to Boston he indicated that 24 minute drive there was a huge change in culture and much larger gay populations.
