1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I think I'm homoflexible. What's best to do??

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by alpet, Jan 7, 2015.

  1. alpet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi

    Thank you in advance for taking the time to read my thread. So, based on my attraction to both sexes, I guess I am homoflexible (defined by the Urban Dictionary as "...someone attracted primarily to members of the same sex (homosexual), but occasionally attracted to members of the opposite sex AND/OR able to derive pleasure from romantic encounters with members of the opposite sex."

    Ideally, I would like to find another homoflexible woman for cohabitation/open marriage, but in my homophobic society this is a slim chance. On top of all, I also have to deal with my family's mounting pressure to marry the soonest possible, as celibacy -according to them- renders an individual's life meaningless, hopeless etc etc. I'm self sufficient in all regards, but they keep harping on the same string! (To a lesser extent, my colleagues too are every now and then asking me to settle.)
    Coming out to my family as bi/gay is out of question because they'd "never" understand.

    I like guys more physically/sexually speaking, but the thought of having an LTR with them scares me --self denial/societal pressure?? -- because there is always this feeling that i'm missing something out there, which is the same with both sexes. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place::icon_sad::icon_sad::icon_sad:

    I'd love to hear from you..
     
  2. Becoming

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 13, 2014
    Messages:
    16
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New york
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I find myself in similar traits. I don't know what to say;be yourself. Bottom line.
     
  3. alpet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Good luck to you, too. (I guess, I posted it in the wrong place, considering the input I received.)
     
  4. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    5,415
    Likes Received:
    387
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Good answer. Sometimes, it's easier to put a tag on someone like prude, yuppie, jock, hippie, druggie, and you might be right or close enough.

    On the other hand, sexual preference can be labeled MOST of the time, but sometimes it escapes categorization or it's not that tidy. I'd say to go with the flow. And, sometimes, when people are trying to find, define, or clarify their situation, or if they are indecisive, I almost think it's better not to involve someone else on a serious relationship level where they are more invested than you are. That's just me, though.
     
  5. alpet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thanks for the feedback. Regarding labels, I'm not a proponent of them either, given that sexuality can be fluid, but I wanted to use such a term, so as to be more clear. English is also to be blamed for having such a large vocabulary..lol.
     
  6. skiff

    skiff Guest

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2013
    Messages:
    2,432
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Peabody, MA - USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
  7. Purplefrog

    Purplefrog Guest

    Interesting article, Skiff. I have really struggled to make sense of my previous history with men, when now I realise that ultimately it is women I want to be with, and feel most passionately drawn to.

    Yesterday evening I had bit of an epiphany that yes, I am, and suspect I always have been, primarily oriented towards women. But, due to internalised homophobia, I have been completely blind to this - and managed to find sexual expression in a "straight" mode due to an underlying degree of fluidity, almost as an auxiliary function. So it is like I have been operating half-awake in back-up/generator mode, and haven't been fully operational in terms of finding full sexual/romantic expression and fulfilment until now. I suppose another example would be handedness - I could if I felt compelled to for whatever reason, write with my left hand - but it wouldn't feel as natural or be as productive as writing with my right. To extend the limited analogy further - now that I am currently exclusively writing with my right hand, I feel soooo much more at home and at ease than previously. Going back to men no longer makes sense.

    Alpet - just wondering about your underlying motivations for marrying/LTR with women, which you do touch upon. I guess I would advise trying to hold out on wanting to make that sort of commitment for now. Do you really want to be with someone who ultimately you will feel halfhearted about? Would that be fair on you and your partner, just to make family etc happy? I realise the prospect of not being in a supposedly socially acceptable straight relationship is such a massive thing to get one's head around- it is something I struggled greatly with. But I dread to think what would have happened if I had been married to a man, and all the hurt I would have eventually caused. I know there are many people on here who have done that, and it can ultimately be a very difficult situation to be in.
     
    #7 Purplefrog, Jan 10, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2015
  8. alpet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Purplefrog.. I am not looking to marry a straight woman, and cheat on her with men. I'm asking for advice on how to find the most fulfilling path, while being open to the female involved.
     
  9. bi2me

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jul 23, 2014
    Messages:
    1,301
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    Ohio
    I think being open and honest is the best way to get what you want. The hard part of that is when your needs and desires change during an ongoing relationship while your partner's don't. But, you can't get what you want without asking for it.
     
  10. soulcatcher

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 27, 2014
    Messages:
    244
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    So you want to find a beard and have a lavender marriage.
     
  11. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    While things are different in my country today, the society that I grew up in was much more similar to the one that you are living in. I was less certain of my orientation that you seem to be, and so I just gave in to the society's pressures and married a woman I hardly knew, just to have a wife. I had never really dated, and had never had any interest in dating women, but got married to the first woman that seemed interested. It real injustice to her to be married to a gay man and has caused a lot of suffering for the two of us. I'm working through the coming out process, and it just gets harder the longer we wait. I would much rather be a single gay man than married to someone of the wrong gender (in my case, that means the opposite gender). Marrying a woman to keep everyone else happy is no different than expecting someone who is straight to have to marry someone of the same gender just to keep other people happy. Whatever you decide, EC is always here for you. good luck. (&&&)
     
  12. alpet

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Nov 21, 2013
    Messages:
    38
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Europe
    Gender:
    Male
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Soulcatcher..That's a possibility.
    Thanks everyone for the input.