My life, my story. (Advice please)

My story is long, and difficult to explain to people half of the time. Like most, all my life I knew I felt different. I would always have crushes on my friends (that were girls), I was always curious. I spent most of my childhood in a private Christian school. I was forced to be something I wasnt. Forced to where dresses and skirts all the time, forced to have long hair. Could only watch certain things on tv, could only do certain things. Even at the age of 7, I knew that living that kind of lifestyle wasn't who I was. Throughout the years, I had many friends. On more than one occasion throughout the ages of 7-9, I had multiple girl-friends that I felt "curious" about. One of wich I actually kissed multiple times, because we were playing house. I found myself wanting to go to her house more often, not really understanding why I was having the feelings I was having. One day her grandma caught us and told my mom what was going on. I got punished and was no longer allowed to have sleep overs with her anymore. I was scared. I didn't know why I felt those feelings, and I felt like it was wrong since I had gotten in such trouble over it. As I got older my mom fell of the band wagon and went in the other direction, the direction of drugs and alcohol. My teenage years were hard. I had to grow up fast in order to take care of my mother. At age 13, was the first time a guy showed interest in me. I was troubled, and wasn't sure how I felt about anything anymore. He was nice, and he liked me. He asked me out, so I said yes. Even though I had no real feelings toward the whole situation. I lost my virginity to him. It took a long time before I gave in. But eventually, I felt like I had to. So, I did. I will never regrets because he genuinely is a good guy. Even till this day. We were together for a year before I decided he wasn't what I wanted. Throughout the next couple of years I dated a couple other guys, nothing serious. I met another guy when I was 16 going on 17, we dated for 2 years. I did care about him a lot, but I never felt whole in the relationship. My best friend was a guy, who had recently came out as gay when we were 15. I confided in him, and told him that I had feelings for girls, but was to scared to ever say anything. He was the only one who knew. He told my I needed to be true to myself. So I sat down and wrote a three page letter to my mom explaining that I had feelings for girls, and that I thought I might be gay. But...I got scared and threw it away. Between ages 19-20 I stayed single. At 20, I met another guy. He showed interest in me, and again, he was a nice guy...so I figured I'd give it a try. As time went on and he met my family, they all grew to love him. Especially my mom. By this time my mom had straightened up and was back in church. By 22 we were still together. We barely ever got along. But my family loved him...and I felt stuck. He knew I had interest in women. I would make little comments here and there and he always laughed it off or blew it off as a joke. The only people who knew at this point was two of my friends, him and my cousin. But only my friends knew how serious it was. My mom and family began to pressure me about marraige and having kids. As well as his family. He began to want to go to church, so we started going with my mom. The pressure to get married was overwhelming. My mom wanted to grand children so badly. So, I gave in. He told me he wanted to get married...and I was stuck. I said yes, even though my heart was saying no. I tried to be excited, I tried to be all in it. But even as I walked down the aisle....I knew I was making a mistake. The wedding was a wedding from hell, because our family and friends did not get along. I spent the whole night crying. I felt like someone else, like I was living someone else's life. It was surreal. What was done, had been done. For the next four months, I tried. I tried to be in it. I tried to love him. He became extremely controlling and possessive after the marraige. We constantly fuaght. I began to despise him. I hated my life. I hated who I had become, because I knew it wasn't the person I truly was. I started doing things, like going out with my cousin and my aunt just to escape for a while. He didn't like that. He began to get angry, and eventually it led to him hitting me. I'll never forget the day he punched me in the face while I was driving. I knew then...that I had to get out. I just had to figure out how I was going to do it. I started going to a bar with my cousin and aunt, and I met a girl there. She was an out butch lesbian. My aunt was friends with her, and I started getting to know her. I was so unbelievable attracted to her. Everything about her. I had never been attracted to someone that way before. The feelings were overwhelming. I couldn't keep living my life the way I was anymore. One day, we all went out to the bar. Including him. She was there that night. I knew she was interested in me as well. We all were drinking and he noticed the connection. He ended up getting angry and yanking my arm saying it was time to leave. I said no. He made a huge scene, cursing me out, calling me all kinds of names (like usual), and said I didn't have a choice, that I had to leave with him. My adrenaline was rushing. This was it, it was now or never. If I didn't get out now, I didn't know if I ever would. I told him it was over, I was done. He left, and waited outside in the car for an hour. After realizing I wasn't coming, he left. I couldn't belive I had actually done it. That night I told the girl how I felt. I told her everything. I felt so liberated! It was the first time I had actually done something for me. A month went by, and the girl and o started seeing each other. She was my first lesbian sexual experience. I felt like I could finally be me. I felt, complete for the first time ever. After that, I knew there was no more denying that a woman was what I wanted. I officially came out fully at the age of 22. I told my mom, I told everyone. My mom surprisingly took it well. Everyone did. I had more supporters then I had ever expected I would. Though my mom didn't agree, she promised to love me no matter what. Though me and the girls relationship didn't last, I was happy for her being there for me, and the experience. Without her, I don't know where id be. We didn't end things badly, we just weren't right for each other. We both agreed. Not to long after that I began talking to another girl on Instagram who was from California. I lived in New Orleans. We talked even single day, we texted, we skyped. We would talk to each other for hours. The hard part was having to tell her that I was still married. But that we had been separated for months. I explained everything to her, and she understood. To make an even longer story short. We fell in love through our conversations. I visited her in Cali for a week, and after I returned home...I knew she was all I wanted. I'm 23 now, and currently living in California with my girlfriend. She's everything I could ever want. I love her with everything I've got. I've never felt more whole or complete in my entire life. I've never loved someone so much. I'm finally living my life the way it's meant to be lived. Her family loves me. The only issue I'm having now is that, her family doesn't know that I was previously married to a guy. It's kind of been something that's been hush hush. I think that maybe my girlfriend is afraid that they'll judge the situation. But I feel like they would be very understanding. We all make mistakes, and yes I made a big one. But that doesn't make me any less of a person. It's hard living with that as a secret, and I don't know how to handle the situation. I don't know if I should just slowing share my story with her sisters or if I should continue to hold it back. I don't know what the best way to go about it is. I need advise, encouraging words from others who might have went through a similar situation such as myself.

-Laina

 

Thank you guys for the positive feedback! You all are right, honesty really is the best policy! I think it's time I talk to my girlfriend about it. I'm tired of living with secrets. I am who I am, and I can't change the past. All I can do is keep moving forward in life and be proud of how far I've come. If I didn't go through the experiences that I did, I wouldn't be who I am today. So regardless of what mistakes I've made, I wouldn't change them.