Married, Confused, in Desperate Need of Advice

Welcome to EC, bluedoh! you are definitely in the right place, and I am sure that several people will chime in with similar experiences, both men and women. I am one of them. I can say that there's not much to be gained by regret, and fretting about why we didn't figure this out before getting married. It's a trap. Sometimes I fall into that trap, but it can really bring us down. You can be grateful that you have figured it out now. Well, at least you have figured out part of it, and more will be revealed! I wasn't sure reading your post whether you identify as bi or lesbian, nor does the label matter. But your feelings do matter, and I would imagine that you have been reflecting on what your feelings are for your husband.
My experience has been is that we are who we are, and there is nothing we can do to change it. I was in total denial that I was gay for many years. I got married, I had kids, and I built up a whole straight life that was a lie. My marriage has always been problematic. Now that I have accepted that I'm gay and have come out to some people, I can see that there never really was a chance for my marriage to work out because I'm gay and not matter how much I denied it, it never changed. Now I not only accept it, I am grateful to be gay, and grateful to know that I'm gay.
So I would say that this is not going to change for you, even though that one person is not available. If you are attracted to men, and can be happy with your husband, then you would still have to examine what will be the future with women, because the feelings will not go away. If you are a lesbian and don't feel the same charge with him that you feel with women, it is going to be hard on him because it will probably show through in bed, and he'll always wonder what he's doing wrong, or why you don't seem to love him, or if you're acting out on the feelings that you shared with him.
The reaction that he had to the partial story that he told you seems to be a good indication that you made the right decision in not telling him the rest of the story just yet. You might want to look for what support resources you can turn to. Perhaps therapy. perhaps an LGBT support center in your city. Perhaps a support group. And certainly EC, which for me has been like being in a support group. Long term, you can either eventually choose to come out to him and go through a hard transition which will be followed by an authentic life. Or you can stay in the closet for a long time. My experience of being a long-term denizen of the closets has included major depression, shame, self-hatred, and a difficult relationship with my spouse. Since I have been in the coming out process, things have been getting better across the board. I am perhaps more fragile right now being in the process, so I am taking it slow and taking baby steps, taking each step when it is time to take that step, and not giving in to my instinct to do everything in a day. Good luck.
:welcome:

 

Hi Bluedoh,
I am a little bit older than you, but also married with kids. I had an experience with my bff in high school, kind of came out as bi (to really close HS friends), but then as I got more serious with my (now husband) boyfriend, I either buried or forgot all those feelings.

Got together with my bff this past summer after not spending much time together over the past 20 years, and all my feelings came rushing back. The good part is that it awakened me to a lot of feelings I'd been numbing (good and bad), and in my case, my husband was aware, since he was there in the beginning of the whole thing.

She and I are now closer than we've been for a long time, and I'm still trying to figure out our boundaries. I'm not interested in leaving my husband, but I do wish that I had taken more time to explore this when I was younger (before we got married).

Happy to help anyway I can. You can wall message me if you want as well.

Welcome!

 

wow, amazing that there is so much in your post that I can relate to, as a gay man!
That part about having to use your imagination in bed! for years, the only way it worked for me in bed was with a lot of fantasy. Usually, I verbalized what the fantasies were, sometimes a bit too specifically for comfort. It is frustrating, but it is because we didn't figure it out until after we got married, so we're not insane.
Congratulations on getting the couples therapy going. If you are totally honest there, it is pretty likely that this is going to keep moving in its inevitable direction.
My kids were the big reason that kept me in the marriage. I just didn't want to lose them, and I was certain that the courts would give full custody to a straight wife any day before even giving shared custody to a gay man. The courts where I was living always gave custody to the mother, even if she were a crack addict and the husband was a saint. and gays, forget it, no chance in those courts. so coming out would really have meant that tremendous loss, and I was always the nurturing parent, so I couldn't just couldn't do that. for you, that might be very different, as a normal, healthy mother. But one of the questions I always asked myself was whether I could justify buying my own peace of mind and happiness at the cost of other people's happiness.
But I think that if you are both honest in couples therapy, things will move forward. I tried one or two sessions of that with my wife almost 20 years ago, but it did us no good because of a lack of honesty. my wife didn't want to be there and was completely shut down. and I didn't want to admit that I was gay. so it was definitely a lost opportunity. but with honesty, change can come. it sounds like you are fairly young (from my perspective as a 59 year old), so a big factor will be that your husband will want to do what he needs to for his own happiness. he may go into total denial at first and want to do anything to keep the marriage intact. My wife did that, and then I paid for her unhappiness and resentment on the installment plan. but he may figure out that this is not going to be a happy situation for him, and having sex with someone who has to fantasize because they are not enough can take a strain. we should never get ahead of ourselves, I guess, and what will happen will happen. but the couples therapy really opens the doors to some good possibilities. good luck!

 

Be open to talking deeply with your partner. He sounds like he is your partner, and you need to trust his love for you. I wasn't open and honest with my wife, and I abruptly threw a lot of shit at her in a bad way on the shittiest day (her birthday.) We are working through it so I can be civil around her, for my sons sake, otherwise I'd cute off all association with her.

My therapist told me today, if you are constantly looking for something outside your marriage, whether it's physical or not, then you (the one looking) are fully satisfied with something. For me, I had always felt incomplete, before being married, and while being married. Not quite complete yet, but I am exploring the possibilities at the moment. And working through a lot of issues.

I know if we had talked about things before hand, I would not have hurt my wife nearly as bad as keeping it all in until I couldn't lie anymore and I had a meltdown.

Also, I'm rebellious enough to press the issue if my sexuality comes up in custody hearings... don't piss off a pan-sexual libertarian when his son is on the line.

 

Counseling sounds like a good option. Try to imagine what you would want your life to look like if you had no strings attached. That ideal might not happen, but it might help you prioritize what is important to you. Unhappy parents do often have unhappy kids. Some people can find a way to be happy in their current situation and some can't. Try to remember that you are also an important person (in addition to your kids) and you can't give up your entire life and happiness for them. Try to find a way for you to be happy. That will impact them positively.

 

I can tell you I had that same feelings inside. Not empty, just never complete.

I feel more complete without my wife in the picture

 

Bluedoh, you sang my song and played my melody. As Wildside said you are not alone in your situation, and filling that hole in your life is the reason we are here.
I know that I would never change my life but I wish if we have a parallel universe wish I can be myself without the consequences.

 

Wishing things were different doesn't mean regretting having your kids. Cut yourself some slack. You aren't doing this to hurt anyone. If anything, you've avoided doing something because of that fear.

 

counselling is that safe place where we can lay it all out. I would start with the biggest elephant in the room. the baby elephants will all fall into line.

 

I can tell you, I've been with the same therapist now for 4 years. I've always been fairly honest with her, though I've kept a guard up until several months ago. Go through my back story if you want to know all my issues. Still have a guard up, but it is a lower threshold. Now that I'm out and honest, I'm making more progress.

I would be as open and honest as you can. Self-discovery after many years of denial, masking, confusion, etc. has been painful. You are doing all this to get deep issues out and resolved. If all this were in your comfort zone, you wouldn't need help right.

 

I feel like I just read my story! You are not alone in this!! I've been married 15 years we have 3 small kids. I'm so torn right now... I know what you're going through if you ever want to talk.

 

I'm in the same boat too, so feel free to talk as well. I'm 41 and have three kids, but know deep down I'm a lesbian and can't figure out what to do with my marriage.

 

Nice to know I'm not alone in this...

 

There are a lot of us and this site has really been helpful for me.