Hello, I am brand spanking new here. Long story short, all my life I have been telling myself I am bisexual but the truth is (and sorry to the bi folk, you truly do exist, I'm not demeaning you because this is only my journey) with so much introspection, I have finally come to terms with the fact that all along I have not been bisexual, I have indeed been a lesbian. I am married with two young children. My husband is very understanding, in fact his mother was a lesbian (go figure) so all I can see right now is divorce looming on the horizon and breaking up my children's home. I want to be truly and freely myself, and this is finally the truth of who I am, but all I can think of is the sadness I feel for what I am loosing by being who I really am. Those of you who realized your identity later in life, or in a straight marriage/with kids, can you give me words of hope of how it gets better? How this is a good thing?
It's a very hard predicament to be in. One which I was in five years ago myself. Firstly, at least your husband is aware, and that was very courageous of you to enlighten him. Really consider your options before making any sudden moves and ask yourself the questions that are essential in this situation. Are you unhappy? Are you still attracted to him at all? Are you able to amicably split? I am 33 and left a 15 year relationship, 10 of those years were married, and we had 6 kids together. I know how hard this is for you.
I have never felt so amazing , I can feel my confidence improving and on the whole I can see a nicer person coming out, excuse the pun. Since admitting who I am.
The truth is that you will be basically living a genuine life. Is that not a merit in itself? Plus, you will always have the supportive members of Empty Closets.
the only thing that you are losing is an illusion. It took me a long time to let go of the lie, but finally life makes sense. I can look back now with clear eyes and understand so many things about my life that never made sense before. I went from living in total denial, to being grateful that I am a gay man with so many gifts that I could not see because I was so busy trying to be what I thought I was supposed to be, instead of who I really am. Good things lie ahead. Congratulations!!! (!)(!!)(!)
Brooklin - he is very calm about it. I scheduled an appointment with an LGBT therapist and the attitude between us is very, let's not jump to anything we would regret. He is leaning more towards staying married for the sake of the kids and just being celibate. I have not said to him, divorce yet, but part of this is that I want to share my life with a woman. There is no woman in my life but I just can't see my future with a man, no man at all, not even my decent kind husband. It's just not right for me. Happy Hamster, Soul Catcher, and WildSide - so, this can become happiness? Because for a long time it has felt like living as an imposter. I called my mom and told her, that I am finally sure, that I am a lesbian, and she said, why aren't you happy? So I kind of have to wonder, is that like a process? Like, you have to let go of and grieve the 'straight' (though I always copped to being bi) life, like feel the loss of it, before you can feel happy being who you authentically are? And when you get past that, there is confidence and happiness awaiting you? Thank you for so many quick answers and your reassurance. I have several LGBT family and friends, but I haven't discussed MY issues with them, because I didn't want to go behind my husband's back or for him to hear about it from anybody else than me, so I've only talked to my mom. I love that I can talk to people going through possibly similiar things here but also work it out before I make any announcements to the people in my life. Yall have already made me feel better just by being somebody who can empathize. Did you go through a time of sadness that you weren't straight (especially if it involved marriage and kids) before you were able to be happy?
It's hard. I still feel sadness and regret at my old life I had where I did have happiness but also a whole load of shame at the hidden part of me that craved (yes, that strong) being with a guy. Although I loved my wife there was a surging struggle to control the urges and feelings I had. Meeting a guy who blew me away and destroyed the illusion I'd created over my life that these feelings were just a fantasy meant that I couldn't deny it to myself any more and everything I'd done to deny it just crumbled in a matter of days. Over a year after I came out to her, I'm living in my own place, we still have a good relationship with each other and spend time with our kids as a family. I have a bf who I've been with for about 7 months now and she is talking about getting the chance to meet him. It's not by any means perfect for either of us (especially her) but it's evolving and it's not as fraught, raw and painful as it was when I came out to her. The biggest thing for me? Being absolutely honest. Having no shame at looking at a hot guy as he walks past me. Getting a kick when a cute guy smiles at me and smiling back. Having a bf who I am happy to hold hands with, kiss as we walk along the beach, having him stay over at my place and be seen as a 'couple' by others. Being comfortable in who I am and having no secrets from myself any more. Knowing that the me that's out there is truly me and I'm not having to hide parts of me or deny that they are actually real.
Hi Roses, I felt I needed to reply to this thread as I have and am still going through grief for my straight life! I was married for 11 years and with him for 19. I have 2 young children. It felt like we were tearing it all apart. I've cried and cried! I've been going to therapy for a year now. But I'm finally starting to come through it. It feels right. I've not found anyone new or even had an experience with a woman, but I'm ready to if I meet someone. I couldn't go back to the old life and my children will be happier because we are happier. Grief is a massive part of this process. Make sure you do grieve, it is very important. Good luck x
Hiya I'm about 6 months into the process now and it does get less raw as time goes on. Sometimes something will catch me unawares and upset me, but that's lessening the more I settle into myself as I am now. I still live with him, which is ok because he understands. We grieve together when we need to. It is getting better. It's ok to have hope, even when you have sadness. Best of luck xxx
Highlander - I had a moment like that on Christmas Day. We were walking on the Riverwalk, and a very attractive woman, I'm guessing she'd be called soft butch was walking past, and I had decided to style my hair and do my makeup how I'd like to that day, which was messy and asymetrical and fun and I felt beautiful that day. Well, she looked right into my eyes as we walked past and I looked right into her hers and she gave me such a knowing smile, it melted my knees, and it was so much more than, oh hey somebody checked me out. It was so much more than getting checked out. It was, somebody SAW me. She saw me, and it might not have meant much to her but it was a moment in all my inner turmoil that I could see how amazing it would be for someone to see me as I truly am. *Thank you* for that bit of advice. I will keep that moment in my heart as I work this through. Hi Penpal. Thank you for writing to me. I have been married for three years to my husband, I have an 8 year old son and a 2 year old. I haven't as much time in this marriage as you have in yours, thank you for sharing your story with me. I have to be realistic about this. I prefer the fact that there is no actual woman who has 'turned' me (it was there all along) and it has just been realization finally coming home, because I don't think I'd be able to be a very good partner for anyone, for a while. I feel like in this position, I have to let go of my marriage, of the death do us part, of the idea that I had finally, finally managed to give my kids that damn white picket fence. There is no white picket fence. Thank you for sharing with me and I wish you well. I'm currently reading Dear John, I'm Leaving You For Jane, and just finished reading Late Bloomers. The women's stories are really bringing me peace in all those little 'a-ha!' ways, way too much to list but also realizing it's not necessarily your fault. Thank yall.
Think about it like the cycle of grief. You are probably familiar with that, but if not just google cycle of grief. There are things that you are saying good bye to, and that is the painful part. There are some perqs to being straight, and even if it was all a lie we still benefited from the perqs, like complying with all of society's long established norms, and feeling that approval and affirmation. And a lot of legal and structural benefits that went along with it. Those things can feel like loss, even if we purchased them at the price of living a lie. And that comfort of a relationship with a person that will not be the same. So yes, that is a process, and we have to go through that. I'm still walking through that, but I've already felt some of the benefits of knowing who I am. If your mother is supportive, that helps too.
All I can say is, I think you're very brave, and I hope more people will be as brave as you are. Maybe you're still having fits of doubt still, but trust me, as you tune more into yourself you will be more comfortable being who you are. Things may not get "easier", but you will be stronger.
I'm mostly getting better, but right now it feels like day by day. 21 years married, adopted son 3 years ago, separated for reasons other than sexuality, although that was a contributing factor. The end result is the same, realizing that I've been wearing a pretty thick mask all these years. My breakup was shitty. You should be proud of your progress. You have a great caring partner. You might broach the subject of an in house separation, ie sleep in separate bedrooms. Might be a way to make a smoother transition. Just a thought, my wife wanted me to consider that after I split.
