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This weekend I tell my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SWburbchgo, Jan 9, 2015.

  1. SWburbchgo

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    As a 52 year old male married for 25 years I am going to tell my wife that I am gay this weekend. I am not exactly sure what to expect. We have 2 boys (one a junior in college and the other a 1st year med student) so they are both gone from the house. She new I had been with guys before we were married so this will not come as a total shock to her. But what will devastate her will be the betrayal.

    I met a guy a year ago and after some flirtatious interactions I finally slept with him in Sept. and Oct and Nov. I am not proud of cheating on my wife but I am not apologizing for being gay. The guilt and anxiety is making me physically sick. My plan is to approach it as calmly and loving as I can - she was my best friend and I am hoping we can be civil to one another. She can stay in the house and I can move in with my friend until I can get set up in an apartment. I am willing to pay 65-70% of the household expenses as I see no option but separation. Divorce will be difficult because we are under water on the house. I want to do the right thing even though she won't see it as such.

    But I am wondering from others out there what to expect. I am nervous as can be and I have had a lot of time to plan and process this, recognizing that she has not been afforded the same opportunity. Any advice or similar situations would be most helpful. Thank you all in advance - I am so glad I found this site. It has been amazingly helpful.
     
  2. MOGUY

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    I was the same age when I revealed my secret to my wife. I have decided to want to remain married as she is still my best friend and I love her deeply. And it is not an "open" marriage. I realized after a lot of counseling that I would give up my life for her so giving up the desires to be with another man seem attainable. I'm not trying to encourage you to stay but I am saying to be sure of what you're doing and perhaps slow down a little. When I first told my wife, she was sompletely caught off guard. She was at first angry and sick at her stomach. I didn't know at the time what I wanted- whether to stay or go. I was in a state of depression and she insisted on knowing what was wrong. I blurted it out finally. It has actually turned out to be a blessing because there's no more shame and guilt. Will we be together until death? I don't know but I certainly hope so. Her support has been my rock. Perhaps you might consider taking small steps by only telling her you are still attracted to men. Maybe waiting on the part about leaving? Sorry for rambling. I wish the very best for all involved.
     
  3. Chip

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    I think you absolutely have to be transparent about being attracted to men, and about betraying her trust. Basically, put yourself in her shoes and ask yourself what you'd want to know if the roles were reversed. If you did try to just tell her you were still attracted to guys, one of her first questions would be if you've acted on it, and I think you'll be seen as more authentic if you put that out there up front.

    I don't intend to in any way devalue or invalidate moguy's experience, but I will say this: Every person, of whatever age, deserves the opportunity to be in a relationship with someone that can love them fully and completely. There's no way that you, as a gay man, can love your wife in the same way a heterosexual man would, and likewise, there's no way that you can experience the same kind of fulfillment in a relationship with a woman that you would experience with a man. Therefore, for the majority of people, trying to stay in a relationship when you have different sexual orientations usually isn't the emotionally healthy solution for people in your situation.

    There are many people (of which Jim, one of our advisors currently on leave, is one) who have been married, got divorced, and remained best friends with their ex-spouse. That depends on a lot of things, and it usually takes time, but it is definitely possible.

    Also, keep in mind when you do tell her about the stages of loss that everyone goes through when processing any sort of loss... denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. Particularly for married women whose husbands are coming out, the anger piece can be pretty strong, and often comes from a place of feeling like their grounding and security is suddenly being pulled away. The best thing you can do is to be compassionate and understanding, try to imagine how they're feeling, and do your best not to minimize or "silver lining" what they are feeling, but to relate to it, acknowledge how deep the pain is, and just be there with them to the best of your ability.

    I do agree with moguy that the part about leaving could potentially wait a few days, but I would not suggest lying or misleading about it. If it comes up, and you aren't sure what you want then... just say that. And let her know that you want to consider her needs as well in figuring out what's best for everyone.

    This is never an easy conversation, but it is an important and necessary one, and I think you will feel a weight lifted once you are done with it.
     
  4. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    I don't think that I have advice to offer, but I do offer my support and encouragement. You've got a lot that you will be laying on her: the fact that you are gay AND that you are leaving AND that you have been having an affair and plan to move in with your boyfriend (albeit temporarily, the effect is the same for her).
    I've been struggling with this for a long time. I am 59, we had three kids together who are all now out of the nest, and we've been married for 35 years. I struggle with my homosexuality all my life until a little over four years ago when I connected the dots and figured out that this was because I'm gay (duh!!!:eusa_doh:slight_smile:.
    I almost told her back in 2010, but then held back and went into the closet. Early last year, I had decided that I was going to just get honest, that she has a right to know, and that I need to live authentically. I almost told her a couple times, but frankly in retrospect that times and places would have been really inappropriate. Here on EC, I have discussed some of the places that I almost told her, and got lots of good feedback on why my choices were off (in a restaurant, driving on a long trip, etc). Communication has always been a serious deficiency in our marriage, so that just makes it that much harder.
    So, what I would suggest is that you really prepare for this well. If you're not in therapy, it could be helpful. I could help you get your head on straight before you take the leap, and set a foundation with a therapist so that the relationship is established before you REALLY need one, i.e., after you tell her; and to be a sounding board for how you plan to do it, so that you can hear yourself through someone else's ears. You sound like a good guy, and I am sure that you don't want to hurt her more than you can avoid.
    And then there is the safe sex thing. In my case, I no longer have sex with my wife at all. Even before that, I came up with an excuse for using a condom, even though I had had a vasectomy. I can only believe that she bought that because she didn't want to know the truth any more than I wanted to tell her. But eventually we just stopped having sex all together, which was a great relief for me. But if you are still having sex with her, then you really have to consider the risk that you are exposing her to. Oh, and as your news sinks into her consciousness, she is definitely going to consider what risk you have exposed her to, and she will likely be pissed. So, definitely a vote for thoughtful and judicious revelation. I still struggle with when and where, but I have no doubt that she does have a right to know. Once we say the three magic words, "I am gay," these things can take on a life of their own. Good luck! (*hug*)
    (p.s., your thread hit so close to home for me that I've had to go back and make some changes each time I read it because it just brings up so much emotion for me, and my thoughts are still coalescing)
     
    #4 Wildside, Jan 9, 2015
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2015
  5. Justinheller74

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    I will start by saying that I don't envy you this weekend. I did the same thing last March at the age of 39, 4 small kids, 13 yrs of marriage. I prepared for the conversation by working with a life coach in the area that specializes in this sort of thing. The one nugget of info that I would share with you is to remain compassionate for your wife during and after the conversation. It will help the conversation along.

    Hard to tell how she is going to react. There are a range of emotions that she will likely feel simultaneously when you actually say the words. My wife knew what I was about to tell her and as I went through my set up of the conversation, she looked at me and said, "just say it, I already know!" So, focus on her emotions, be compassionate and don't be surprised if she knows, suspects and/or says some hateful things. It is all just a reaction and realization that her life is about to change. Do keep us posted and be Proud for taking this step! You are incredibly brave for doing this and I'll tell you that I have NO Regrets! I'm a changed person, much happier, calm and caring.
     
  6. bluedoh

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    Just want to tell you good luck, and kudos for being so brave.
     
  7. TacobellKFC

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    (*hug*)Good luck I can't imagine what you feel like and I hope it all goes smooth..at least your being truthful with her than living a marriage of lies...
     
  8. quietman702

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    Sending light and love your way and hope it goes ok. (*hug*) As you said about the cheating part... the wife was most upset about that.
     
  9. Wildside

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    Whatever you decided, I hope it went well! :thumbsup:
     
  10. GayDadStr8Marig

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    SWburbchgo, it was just over 10 months ago I had "the conversation" with my now ex-wife. While I had never cheated on her, I did not give her the truth before marriage that I had been in a relationship with a guy in college either, so she did not have the benefit of foreknowledge... (although many years later she did find some gay porn I had saved on the computer and confronted me, but since I was not ready to accept myself [see my extensive earlier posts on this] I brushed it off as a computer virus and she chose to accept the explanation... once I came out, I learned that she wanted to believe me because otherwise she was already unhappy in the marriage and at the time almost due with our second child [I know, begs the question of why having children, we may never know really why]).

    But, back to the issue of what to expect. First, assuming you've gone through with your plan to swig the truth serum this weekend, the initial reactions you've already experienced. For myself, the first weekend for complete hell for both of us. She was forced to face the reality of why I had not been a good husband for year, and I was faced with the realization of just how unhappy she had been even before we had kids.

    I had gone into the weekend expecting we would seek counseling first and make plans that would be best for the kids and each other; I wasn't expecting any kind of rehabilitation of the marriage, but at the same time her almost immediate pronouncement that we would divorce as soon as possible was a punch to the gut. It was at that point I realized we both had stayed in the marriage all those years because that was what we had been trained to believe it was what we should do.

    For months, there were emotional highs and lows, ranging from giddiness about being free to finally find a man who would love her as a woman and me being free to move on with my "lifestyle choice", to rage that I had stolen the best years of her life and taken away her choice by hiding the truth from her before we married. In between the two extremes was an boiling pit, never knowing from day to day (sometimes hour to hour) what to expect but underlying it all was anger at the choices I had made, anger at herself for being duped, anger that I was going to be free to "move on" with my life, etc.

    Eventually, things cooled into a chilly détente as the divorce final hearing approached. Overall, despite the venom hurled at me at times, throughout the process we kept our focus on what was best for the kids and did not engage in a battle over the divorce. Since yours are grown that's less of a concern, so there's always a chance raw emotion can influence the direction of separation proceedings without that mitigating influence. While we are not underwater on the house, we are also not in a position to be able to sell it for a price that would allow either of us to downsize into one appropriate for single-parent incomes. So for the time being, she stays in the house, pays the mortgage and taxes and gets the tax benefits and I'm on my own in an apartment. I see the kids every day after school, and every other weekend; we split/share holidays, and we still attend their activities together.

    Remember, when there's raw emotion in play, try your best to not internalize it nor react to it. While some anger is justified in the circumstances, do not let that anger diminish your value as a person. Own up to your shortcomings, but know also you do not have to be a martyr as a result.
     
  11. SWburbchgo

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    I want to thank you all for your support, encouragement and things to look out for. I broke it to her Saturday afternoon and it completely destroyed her. I wish I had posted a week ago with my intentions as I could of put use some of the advice from you all. I should have slowed down the pace and stuck around rather than just preparing to pack my bags when she told me she didn't want to see my face. I have been as compassionate as possible and she told me to tell the kids in 24hrs or she would tell them that dad left for another man. Harsh but I guess I deserve it. I told my kids and they were understanding, told me they loved me and nothing would change that. I apologized for the way I treated their mother and wish it could be different and encouraged them to be there for her as much as possible. My oldest (24) with the help of his brother are composing a letter to me which I will open with trepidation. I have been a complete basket case from anxiety, to being sick to my stomach, and getting very little sleep. My boyfriend has been very loving and compassionate but I still feel terrible. I wonder when these remorseful feelings will end.
     
  12. kindy14

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    My talk didn't go very well either. Mine was more about walking away from a 21 year marriage then a "coming out" discussion. I had already made the decision, and was working towards having everything set to just walk away from the marriage. It destroyed her, and she was in hysterics. No getting around the shitiness and pain I caused through my actions.

    That I have to own, and accept. Nothing can change the past, we can only change how we perceive it, and how it effects our future.

    We've been separated for 2 months now, and we are civil, but therapy sessions with her are very hard. I know I did this in the worst way possible, and wish I could change things about everything.

    The whole, coulda, woulda, shoulda done A, B, and C...

    Good luck, and stay strong. These are all issues other people have worked through before. We all have it in us to change.
     
  13. Choirboy

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    The feelings of remorse do start drifting away after awhile, particularly if you make an effort to be reasonable and kind to your eventual ex. I told my wife over Labor Day weekend 2013, and had many months where I beat myself up and felt guilty about what I had done to her. I've really gone out of my way to help her deal with it--sent her links to the Straight Spouse Network, kept quiet about my orientation for a long time because she was afraid of being the subject of pity or ridicule, didn't tell our youngest at first because she thought she was too young, and so on. She's alternated, sometimes minute by minute, between being devastated about losing our so-called "friendship", and being furious and insulting. I eventually came to realize that I had been more than reasonable, and she had to meet me part way--something that she actually has never been in the over 20 years we've been together.

    It's OK to feel bad about the situation--really, you'd be a pretty heartless person if you didn't. But try to resist the urge to throw yourself under the bus. You're coming out to try and regain a degree of self-awareness and self-respect that you gave up many, many years ago, which is a positive thing. And even though she won't see it this way for some time, you're giving her the opportunity and the power to find someone who can love her in a way that you were never capable of doing.

    If your kids say they love you and support you, that's huge. My daughters (17 and almost 14) have been very positive and accepting, and are also very supportive of my relationship with my boyfriend. They see this as a very positive thing for me, and they also have the brains to recognize that I'm being reasonable whereas their mother often is not. I don't know what your relationship with your wife was like before all this hit the fan, but mine was difficult already, and the kids were quite aware of who was the one instigator of the issues. Part of their support came from seeing the relationship I had with their mother over their entire lives, and as time has gone by, they have seen clearly that I'm more assertive and happy, and less likely to be manipulated and bullied than I was before. As my oldest observed, a kid likes to see their parents as happy and loving people, because it gives them hope that they can have happiness and love too. And if Mom and Dad can't be happy together, then being happy apart is fine.

    Be strong, or as strong as you can be with things so fresh. It does get better, and more importantly, YOU will get better.
     
  14. bjd400

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    All I can say is that I feel deeply for you. The same step is coming for me but I am still seeking the right time and right way to go about it. Hearing you story helps us all and it is very much appreciated. I can speak for the masses here and say our heart goes out to you. I have had the opportunity to read many of the stories on this site as well as stories from multiple other sources and they are alike in many ways but always unique. So I appreciate every single unique story. The fact that you share in real time is particularly gripping. Honestly, I have checked everyday since you first posted to see how it went.
     
  15. Nickinthemiddle

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    Thank you for sharing your story, I'm sorry you and your wife are going through such hard feelings right now, but I'm glad you have the support of your children. I'm starting to see that EC can be a such a great place to have other people support you and we don't know each other at all but even so I support you and hope you can hold on to the knowledge that you're being true to yourself through all the turmoil. All best wishes for you ~
     
  16. Wildside

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    Congratulations on telling her. I am sorry that you are in so much pain. It is really pretty overwhelming just to try to imagine what you are going through. But you cannot untell the truth, and so life can only get better living in honesty from now on. You might want to go back and take another look of the cycle of grief: Kübler-Ross model - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. It really applies to what you're going through right now. It is hopeful to know that there is light at the end of this tunnel. And even if it doesn't make today's pain any less severe, I think that it helps us to at least identify what we're going through, and to know what will eventually come next, even when it seems a million miles away. and if you aren't already working with a therapist, it might help to see one for a while until you get through the worst of this. My heart is with you as you open that letter from your children. (*hug*)