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Breakthrough

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by kindy14, Jan 9, 2015.

  1. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

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    So, I'm going to be open, honest and brutal on myself. Every one here has been very helpful, especially Arthur the greatwhale. Search through my posts and you'll find the back story.

    Nutshell for those who don't know, 50, pan/bisexual/romantic, separated for 2 months, after 21 years of marriage.

    So, the following thread and the one it links to are mine, I'm happy/sad/embarrassed to admit.

    http://emptyclosets.com/forum/anony...entation/164848-i-hate-myself-loving-you.html

    Everything since Christmas has been rocky for me, and rocky for my roommate (who has gone through several oral surgeries, and legal proceedings.)

    I've been able to work through so much in the past two months thanks to everyone here, my therapist, and trying to be open, and honest with myself. I'm no where near completely healthy inside, but I'm on the path that way.

    So, after a good therapy session, I had a decent day at work. Thought a lot about my behavior and feelings on my way home to the apartment. My roommate had already asked if I could drive him to his mom's house, which I have no problem doing.

    SO, before driving him, I had the most open and honest talk with him since he sent me all those texts after Christmas. I've been wanting to talk to him about it, since the Monday after, but the surgeries and everything, plus a round of pneumonia, forgot about that.

    So, we are on the same page now. We are going to be friends for the foreseeable future. He's to messed up, I'm to messed up. I told him, he seems like the type of guy I wouldn't want to have a fling or short term relationship with. I would want something complete, and committed. He can't give that right now, which he agreed with. And I'm in no position to either.

    I told him flat out, I have to consider him just a friend, and not have any near term hope of anything more than that. Texts like he sent are inappropriate. And I can't have my emotions on a roller-coaster, since he admitted, after my prodding, that he was depressed and fearful of his future when he sent those texts. I can't yo-yo with his bipolar moods, not healthy for me at all. I told him, when I'm in a better place, and he's in a better place, we will see what happens. (I don't expect him to mature any time soon, he had no clue all day yesterday why I might be acting pissed off. I was being sullen. Focused completely on work, got a lot done.

    So, I actually set my own boundaries with another person (first time in my life?)

    So, he's at his mommies now. And I'm pulling an all nighter working on increase the performance of our check writing routine at work.
     
  2. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    sounds like a very sane and balanced response! you understand the importance of boundaries. I think that is really important with a roommate, because any sexual or romantic relationship changes the dynamics, and then when it goes sour it really creates an uncomfortable situation. with friendship and respect, the chances of you both being able to share a roof and the expenses is much better. yeah, I would find it tempting, but that what boundaries are for! good luck.(*hug*)
     
  3. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

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    Thanks... it was the yo yo since Christmas that's finally pounded it in my head about how young, immature and bi-polar he actually is. He actually texted me, I think when he had his pneumonia fever in the hospital, that he wanted his mommy. That was after New Years.

    I'm still committed to seeing him through with his legal situation, and helping him make more adult decisions. Without being pushy. And without expectations of anything, I keep saying it to him. He was vulnerable, in a depressed state of anxiety, and hit some of my hot buttons emotionally. I played up everything positive he said, and I ignored my own negative thoughts and cautions of the whole situation. His frankness shocked me the most, and then the almost total reversal.

    But, I told him, he's had a lot on his mind, and he's not always been of right mind, from pain, pain meds, and bipolar-ness. I was trying not to add to his burden, but I'd waited long enough, and he was finally feeling good physically, looked good (not like he'd been sick for 3-4 days,) seemed in a decent mental state, actually was doing his work for me. So, it finally felt safe to bring it all up, we both just communicated badly what our points really were. We both care about each other, we can both see committed, intimate relationships "down the road," when things are more worked out for each of us individually. In a nutshell. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    I really do understand where he is, and what he's looking for right now, I think, according to our better conversation this afternoon. He wants to be independent, and not in any relationship. He wants to work on his issues, and working for me (helping me start my software company in the next few months.) I'm hoping once he is off his 4 months probation and has his license, the company will be making money and he will be more gainfully employed by me. But he is doing a good enough job at that, his work and ethic are very good, and I wrote a letter to the judge handling his case about his employment.

    I've always told him the things I want for him are for him to deal with his legal/medical/mental issues, not put them off. And to be his own man.

    Had a similar situation, with my first post-parent roommate. A nice gal named Debbie who was my best friend at the time, got me drunk/high and drove me around when I was un/under-employed, great gal to be around. Had the biggest, hugest crush on her. But, she was very gentle when she said no, and set boundaries for me. 50 and only now learning these lessons.

    ---------- Post added 10th Jan 2015 at 03:41 AM ----------

    Yes, lucky for him I read about Knights in shining armor (and white satin,) and being chivalrous during my formative years. I've always been a gentlemen and respected everyone's physical boundaries. Tried to not harm anyone intentionally.

    We talked about that and those boundaries on Wednesday. So, that evening I went to bed at like 5:30pm, and didn't get up till 9am the next day. Nothing to eat either. Salt from my tears, the big sappy dope I am sometimes. :grin:

    So, we've never crossed into non-platonic, I napped and spooned him a little one afternoon for like 3 hours. He was asleep, and it startled him when he woke up. He said no to anything but hugs, and platonic type pats on the shoulders, arms. I will keep it to the occasional hug when either of us needs a real hug.

    Otherwise, he's so my type and like the porn star I've got the hmmm... hots for.

    Oh, and look who my pre-teen/teenage guy crushes would have been 1974-1979 it is no wonder I am into the type I am into. (Is that another breakthrough??? :eusa_danc ) I bet my therapist will make a big deal out of all this (should print it out for her.)

    I'm really trying for the balanced part.
     
    #3 kindy14, Jan 10, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2015