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Forced out prematurely

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by I am Juliet, Jan 11, 2015.

  1. I am Juliet

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    Well, I am in a very precarious position. I am married 30 + years. Adult children / empty nest for the most part. Elderly parents live in my home.

    For at least 20 years I am in denial/questioning about being bisexual or lesbian. For several years now I've realized that I have been attracted to women frIends / acquaintances, but never acted on these urges because of the repercussions that could follow.

    I have within the past six months fallen deeply in love with a very special woman.

    My husband is a controlling codependent personality. Needless to say we do not have a healthy, trustful, reapectful marriage.

    I had already made the decision that I was going to ask for a divorce after the holidays but, before I could do so, he went though my phone & read every sorrid detail of my love affair.

    I had every intention of coming forward with this information but he has outed me to his side of the family & I am so torn up over how to proceed.

    My middle son has total knowledge and we are on good terms. My daughter has suspicions and is hating my girlfriend although they have never met.

    His family is sending me hate messages because I haven't been able to discuss with my husband my inner most feelings. I've been violated. I understand that I went about everything in the wrong way but, in the mean time I have to try to control the collateral damage.

    I am finally being true to myself. I am calm & peaceful for the first time in my life except that my husband still feels we can "work it out". I have told him "I'm Gay" he doesn't accept it. although he knows I still see her he doesn't know I am still in a committed monogamous relationship with her. He has given me an ultimatum. .... promise me you won't talk to her anymore. NO! I don't know what is the most painful part of this situation. I just want to run to her arms and never come back but I need to be a mature adult about it.

    For the record. I have been very unhappily married for the past 10 years and I am not leaving him for her. Although I do know that I am a lesbian and I am in love with this beautiful woman.

    My husband tried to tell me it's menapause. (MEN-A-PAUSE)LOL (sorry I couldn't help it). He blamed my church (it's a cult). Nothing about his own personality flaws that have ruined our marraige.

    I've had one session with a therapist so far & am attending other therapeutic assistance groups. In the mean time...... any words of advice? Encouragement?

    Thank you in advance....

    Juliet
     
  2. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Whoa!

    You are not violated. We have to take responsibilty for things WE choose.

    We all know that we risk exposure living in the closet. Choosing the closet, not telling spouse, having an affair and being caught...

    I am not being mean, but I am not enabling your victim ilusion.

    First thing... admit "I chose this situation". Yes, others came out in youth and survived, some chose not to for a myriad of "impossibility".

    I am one too. I chose my path. I accept I chose poorly, I am not the victim, but this path can be corrected without blame and negativity. It is not impossible.

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 04:39 AM ----------

    [​IMG]

    ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 04:59 AM ----------

    Hi,

    It may seem mean spirited not to embrace the victim ilusion but I have friends, gay friends who married, had children, decided to come out (taking responsibility) and had to leave ALL behind (their homelands) to get to a more gay friendly country.

    No home, no job, no friends, no family and they made it happen by taking responsibility and not playing the victim card.

    I love one thing my friend told me... sitting with his wife, parents and religious leadership he stated "When is enough, enough? I married, I gave you two grandchildren, I am unhappy".

    Those words resound in my head. When is enough enough?

    When you take responsibility for your life, take responsibility for your choices, take responsibility for your happiness.
     
  3. Really

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    Well, I think you can ask for that divorce now, for starters. He and his family sound like a a bunch of winners. Hate texts? Really? If you can, I would treat these people like the insignificant crud that they sound like. Ignore them.

    I don't think it's fair to say this is a rebound relationship and won't work out. Nobody can know that. Sure, she may be the first but she might also be the only.

    You're old enough to decide what you're going to do with your life. Maybe decide what your goal is - living in the house without him, living somewhere else with ... and then work backwards to figure out the steps you need to take to make that happen. Break it down and work on it bit by bit.

    Do NOT blame yourself. Things are what they are. And now it's time to move forward. However you choose.
     
  4. Penpal

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    I don't agree with Skiff on this one. I don't think it is all your fault. You have described a controlling husband which I can relate to and I went through months of blaming myself. When me and my counsellor looked at it it wasn't all my fault. It is time to move on though. That I do agree with. I know Skiff will slate me for this probably but I honestly don't think you can go round blaming people. Especially to a newbie looking for a bit of support. Remember that feeling Skiff?
    Ok rant over.
     
  5. Richie.

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    I believe Juliet asked for encouragement... So here it is


    You're doing everything right. Seeking help asking yourself difficult questions improving your mental outlook

    Everything else will be dealt with when the time is right. Don't put pressure on yourself to do anything. Breathe explore find your truth in your own time and prepare yourself for the future. You're amongst friends here use us when you need

    Peace

    Richie
     
  6. looking for me

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    i wont comment on having a GF when you have a spouse that's between you and him and her. i will say that you don't seem happy in your relationship with your husband and you were outed without your permission and that isn't fair. i would say that it is time to move on and explore this new relationship with yourself, that's the most important one. i would not suggest moving in with your GF however, you still have those elderly parents (i assume that they are your parents) and you need space to let all of your new relationships grow. your grown kids will adjust or not that's part of them being adults. the Dali Lama said to be kind to others, practice compassion; to be kind to yourself, practice compassion.(*hug*)
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC.

    Everything might seem like a mess right now but it will get better. Sure maybe you have made some mistakes or things that you would do differently if you could go back but what's done is done. It's no use beating yourself up over what you could have done, at the time you thought you were doing what was right.

    It's not nice receiving hate messages but once you have sorted out moving on with your life you won't need his family anyway.

    take a deep breath and take it one step at a time. If you find it difficult to talk to your husband maybe you could write him a letter.
     
  8. I am Juliet

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    Thank you everyone. Yes, you too skiff. I AM taking responsibility for everything. Even the failed marriage. We have tried talking. Everything turns around and is always my fault anyway . .. so I said I'll take it all. My friends have varied opinions if he should have ran around telling everyone that I had/have a relationship with a woman. I have never had privacy. He reads my mail, Bought a program to read my emails. .. it's been hell for about 11 years but there was serious trauma as a family here & I sucked it up and continued to raise my family & be the "good wife". I just can't fake it anymore. I think I have found a LGBT support group close to me. I wasn't prepared to be outed in this fashion but as one friend said... "you broke the rules and now there are no more rules." So I am suddenly grasping hold of my identity and attempting to learn how to talk to the members of my family. Even my closest "friends /sisters " had no idea of my closeted self till about a month ago. They all are still supportive even my closest one who could be in your face reality....
     
  9. skiff

    skiff Guest

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    Hi,

    Huge difference between responsibility and blame. One is positive and leads to resolutions while the other does not.

    Best.
     
  10. brooklin

    brooklin Guest

    This is such a difficult predicament. I too was outed by my ex husband to my family, as wells anyone who would listen to him talk. I try not to blame him, because he was reacting the way most people would. Had he cooled off first and thought about my feelings and not revenge, he might have given me the chance to come out when I was ready. Just remember, the hardest part is FINALLY over. The word is out and you can finally stop fearing what will happen when everyone finds out. The darkest hour is passing. You have nowhere to go but up from here. <3
     
  11. Nickinthemiddle

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    Hi I am Juliet,

    This sounds like a very traumatic forced outing. Maybe your heart got ahead of you with having a relationship before divorce, but these things do happen, and if you had such an abusive controlling relationship, well, that can make the need to find compassion and intimacy somewhere else very compelling. You can't change your orientation as a lesbian woman, and you can't change the past.

    Try hard not to let the attacks become 'true' in your mind okay? I think, and I am no expert, but it can be particularly painful when our own most innermost negative feelings for ourselves are echoed by other voices. One of the worst things my mom ever told me was "If a bunch of people are calling you something, then it must be true". Oh hell NO! It hurts I am sure but it's not true.

    My heart is with you! Be true to yourself, and get all the support you can. Besides, if he was controlling (trust me, I know the type) there was no way to amicably end the relationship, orientation or no. You're better off, hon.

    Best wishes for you ~
     
  12. SWburbchgo

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    I can imagine how you must feel. It is one thing to plan to come out and another to have the outing thrust upon you when you were perhaps not prepared. I thought I was prepared and yet it has been 4 days and I could cry for how I have devastated my family. One thing you can count on is that the people here at EC are the most compassionate people. As a newbie myself I find comfort in many of the words that were written and identified areas where I should have done things differently. I wish the best.
     
  13. bi2me

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    Sending some happy thoughts your way as you move on with your future the way you want it to be. I'm sorry you were outed in a way not of your choosing, but I do think it is good that you are taking responsibility for being in a relationship while still married. Some folks on here have open marriages, but when in a monogamous one, it's hard to go outside the marriage without some repercussions.

    It sounds like your marriage was destined for divorce regardless of your sexuality, so I hope you are able to move out of the marriage and forward into a future you design as quickly as possible.
     
  14. Wildside

    Wildside Guest

    Congratulations on being out, even if it wasn't the way that you wanted it to happen. Ultimatums are an unusual way to have a relationship. It is so coercive. But there is always the stated or implied "or else" in every ultimatum. The only alternative to the ultimatum is obviously "or else the marriage is over." In fact, it seems that there never really was a marriage in anything other than a legal sense. Besides his lack of understanding of what a marriage is, there is the fact that your sexual orientation was always what it is today, even if you had not figured it out. So what advice? well, you're already doing it. Working with a therapist and groups is absolutely the place to be. It is a hard road, but you've got the guides you need for the journey. As far as encouragement, OMG girl you are awesome! You are handling everything with an amazing degree of grace. Freaky controlling husband, spooky family that sends hate messages, and you in the midst of that storm holding your head high and walking forward a step at a time. (&&&)