well it wasn't a "gay" church but more so a church that welcomes all types of people and gay were part of the tapestry. i saw two guys walking into the church together holding hands. one guys was HOT. but back to the church. it was good. but i noticed something that really confronted me straight in my face....i am still VERY uncomfortable with the idea of being gay. when i was leaving the church i saw two women that were in their 20s that were not butch and they were fem and they were holding hands. i guess i have seen this at clubs but this is at night, this is when there is booze involved and this is where all the sterotypes come to life. however, the church was in broad daylight. no booming sound system. no strobe lights. no way to hide in the cover of the clubs and crowds. and i was able to witness folks that happened to be gay in church. yes, i saw some folks that seemed to outwardly fit the "oh you're obviously gay" sterotypes but there were others that did not. but seeing this also showed me how far i have to come. i guess in my mind, acting out on my gay thoughts and have a "gay" relationship really meant seclusion or some quasi "bro-mance" that would appear straight on the outside and gay on the inside in the privacy of my or his or maybe eventually "our" home. gay always seemed outside of myself....on the periphery. i could still be "straight" without others knowing it. a semi---don't ask don't tell policy. or a a situation where me and my boyfriend would only surround ourselves with a small group of other gays we could trust to hold our "secret" or to give us protection from having to be "gay" in public. We could go to house parties, other intimate gatherings where we could be "gay amongst gays" but never really have to face the real world. however, when i went to the church, i saw how unreal that scenario would be. even if it was possible it would be so much energy trying to hide and cover and compartmentalize, that i would have a breakdown. but at the same time it hit me...."are you ready for this?" sure, you dont have to hold hands and walk down the street if you're not a PDA type of person. I am not into PDA whether i am gay or straight or bi. however, it made me question how prepared am i to meet this "guy of my dreams" and made me realize that maybe my uncertainty is the universe's way of holding back until i truly am more comfortable with myself and my sexuality. sure there are guys that are available that want to live a closeted life and im sure i could find one, but i am started to question if i would ultimately want that and if that would work. it used to be my dream. it never happened and i longed for it, but now i wonder if that would even work for me now. i am not really out and dont want to scream it from the rooftops nor feel i have to. but how can you have a fulfilling relationship and hide it at the same time. seems like too much energy. anyway, it was a big step for me to go to that type of church and i did not feel bad. i did feel a bit out of place...imagine that.. feeling out of place in a place that welcomes everyone. i still have much inner work to do.
Good for you! A) you went B) you felt C) you saw your own ackwardness in the correct light D) you are moving in the right direction The mind can bring forward nasty old tapes and ideas and you need to recognize the unhelpful ones and say "where the f@$# did that come from?" And ignore it. Meditation is exactly that... learning to sort and ignore thoughts in the third person. Won't be long and another gay couple will be walking into that church hand in hand.
First off, congratulations on what I think was a very big positive step for you! Not only going somewhere more comfortable for you but also (I think) seeing LGBT people (possibly including yourself) in a whole new light for the first time (and I'm not just talking about daylight) Of course, you need to move forward at a pace that is comfortable for you. Part of that moving forward will likely include an ever stronger sense of what you want in your life and how you want to live it. And maybe, in visiting the church, you've become aware of some possibilities that you didn't know were there before (or didn't consider as applying to you), but which are maybe looking kind of attractive now? One thing I can tell you - when you find that guy of your dreams - a lot of stuff that may seem a huge obstacle now will suddenly (and possibly surprisingly) shrink to a much more manageable size. Or maybe you will find yourself a lot stronger than you ever thought possible. You're right that would be too much energy to burn. Fortunately, it's not really a matter of hiding, actually (or at least it doesn't need to be). I realize that when you're in the closet it may seem that being 'out' is equivalent to walking into every situation with a giant rainbow sign shouting 'DA GAYS ARE IN DA HOUSE!!!'. But it's really not (unless you want it to be, I suppose). You live your life and do your thing and, for the most part, that's means pretty much doing the same stuff straight people do. Gay or straight, the groceries have to bought, and dry cleaning picked up, and that funky little rubber thing for the bathroom sink has to be replaced. You go about your day and you're surrounded by people, most straight, some not. And we all have things to do and most of the time those things are taking up a lot more of our attention than worrying about whether or not the person next to us plays for the same team (so to speak). My husband and I go out and about all the time, just doing our thing and living our life and not really thinking about hiding at all. And no one (or almost no one) ever really notices that we are more than just two random guys walking together, or eating lunch together, or whatever. Straight guys do actually spend time in each others presence after all Those who do notice, or figure it out, don't much care, apparently. At least they generally never let on. Other times they do, but in little ways. Like one of us will order dessert at a restaurant and we'll get two forks with it or the like. There's not a sharp line between screaming from the rooftops and being in the closet. It's not a strictly black or white situation. It's more of a spectrum. Be yourself and find a place that feels good for you (while realizing that that place may move forward over time as you do yourself) and you'll be fine. It actually sounds like it was a very positive experience for you. Realizing you still have work to do is still progress. Congratulations again and best to you. Todd
Congratulations on finding such a welcoming church! (!) that is really great that you have a place where you can be with people who are so open and inclusive. When I live in DC, I attended a Quaker meeting house that was a pretty mixed group. It wasn't predominantly gay, but there were gays and lesbians, and everybody just got along. In fact, it was back before DC enacted marriage equality laws, and they kept threatening to take aware there authority to do weddings because they kept marrying same sex couples. one couple (women) married and adopted back before that was common, and they were such attentive and loving mothers to that little girl that their example really helped a lot of people understand that it was nothing to worry about.
That's so great that you visited a church that is welcoming of gays! YAY!!!!! I go to a similar type of church now, but it was very weird, because I too was expecting it to be talked about all the time or none of the time. It's sorta in between. It was also weird seeing couples who are gay or lesbian at the church, but now it's become normalized. I think i'm the same way as you, I'm from a very conservative background, so I still am yet to feel 100% comfortable about it, but nonetheless for me it's a good idea to be around people "who think differently than me" because it challenges me/us to think, who is actually right? And another question: does it really matter who is right? In the end, these people at this church are also seeking to love God with their whole heart, soul and mind and love their neighbours as theirselves and follow in the true teachings of Christ. I thought when I found an accepting Church that I would have to find a Church that is very liberal theologically (almost to the point that the Church is not even Christian) but I found that alot of gay/lesbian couples in the Church hold to a very orthodox Christian belief and challenging others to hold that same belief. I'm so happy for you and would love to hear more about your journey in this church.
this! we don't have to trade one closet for another. we can be gay and out AND not abandon our theology, whether it is liberal or conservative. truth is truth, and coming out is about rejecting living lies, in all aspects of life.
It sounds like overall a very productive and healthy experience for you. I agree you have some things to work through internally but that's perfectly normal and I think many of us still do. It is hopeful to me that places like this exist for sure. I am thankful to those who have come before, and decided not to accept the either/or proposition that was surely put before them. While I am saddened that I know I could never take a significant other to the church I have history in (at least not without some blow-back), it is great to know places like that do exist.
Feel you on this. It feels awful. It's not a crime, but they react as if it were. I felt just amazed while reading your post... Never been to such a place, a church where nobody needs to put a mask. You are so lucky you had the experience... I think what it felt strange was to be precisely "at the right place", after a long time of hiding. Inside your mind it became the "normal state". Just go there more often, try to get involved, or get to know some folks. Thanks for sharing. We need more understanding and less flamewars. There is indeed the other side of churchs,not every religious person is a deranged bigot.
