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Why Am I So Afraid?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by JuliusJ, Jan 12, 2015.

  1. JuliusJ

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    I just turned 39 years old and I feel like life is passing me by. I have known I was gay for years - probably since middle school and yet I still fear coming out. This is not to say that I am not out to a few people in my life. My closest female cousin knows. My best friend from high school knows. My best friend knows and he is so supportive. A few other people know. Most family doesn't know and I think they would be the hardest to tell though I suspect my younger brother knows. No one asks me and there was a part of me who would be humiliated and embarrassed by that question years ago but as loneliness and desperation have set in (I'm getting old) I am realizing that I want someone to ask me. I want to tell them to get it off my chest and move on. I have survived almost as a vegetable survives. I have become a workaholic and tried to keep my mind off my loneliness. I try to stay busy and it works sometimes. But I am just seeing that as I get older, I see my childhood friend from high school (who is also gay) partnered and happy. I see other childhood classmates with their wives, girlfriends and numerous children. I cry sometimes because I feel alone and I resign myself to a life of loneliness. Sometimes I still feel like that 21 year old college kid and I never grew up and I'm stuck there. I ask myself what is wrong with me. Why can't I just accept myself and go and be happy. Why do I feel so inferior - even to other gay people. I envy those who are comfortable in their own skin. I think a lot of my issues have to do with the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic and suffered some serious emotional abuse growing up. I also have social anxiety issues which have plagued me for years. I have gotten a little better but lack so much confidence.

    This past summer I took a chance and hooked up with a younger guy I met online. I have had nothing but regrets since I did that but loneliness drove me there. The guy was an idiot and I realized though I wanted sex I also wanted companionship and a relationship. It was a mistake and the guy keeps calling me and I do feel conflicted over it because I have needs like any guy but I also want more than just sex. I felt like I let myself down. Then my best friend tells me that I didn't do anything wrong and I should continue the sexual relationship because it's "okay to have fun." I just don't know if I should pursue it or try to be more comfortable with myself and just go out and find a relationship where it can be more than just sex. That's what I really want. My friend says to "have fun" with this guy until I find that relationship. I am thinking he is right but there is this fear I am making a mistake. What do you think? I know this post is really about 2 different topics (coming out and first encounters/relationships) but I am just putting out there what is in my head.

    Anyway I would appreciate any feedback or suggestions. I know I am responsible for my own happiness and only I can fix my life but I feel like fear, inexperience, and inadequacy is holding me back. I live in a rural upstate community and I am thinking about moving to New York City hoping I can find that dream job (I am totally burned out where I work) and that dream guy. Then there is a part of me that feels I have to fix me and that the geographic cure does not work. By the way, I don't post often (maybe I've posted about 5 times) but I read many posts on here and get a lot from them and I think this is a great resource.
     
  2. unloved

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    hi , I want to start by saying I feel your pain ! I am your age I too am scared and afraid to cone out . I have "had a little fun" and yes in my case it was the best and most wonderful time I have ever had . But is it the right thing to do I can not say . Maybe your friend is right and you need to loosen up and have fun I have no idea . Yes companionship is what I desire the most I want to be held ,to be loved , to be respected ! Will I ever get I sure hope so ! If it was me I think I would try to loosen up and maybe give it another chance with the man you was with before if not him maybe try someone new , maybe you just have to find the right man . I wish you the best of luck and please feel free to keep in touch I think we could be really helpful to each other !
     
  3. skiff

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    Hi,

    After you come out... you may realize the only one you are fooling was yourself.
     
  4. skiff

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    Hi,

    Just posted this in a thread titled "black dog" but it applies here too.

    I had a black dog, his name was depression: http://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

    Depression is a voice, fear is a voice, the mind has many voices. When any voice gets too loud or too talkative it becomes a black dog. Some black dogs are named "fear" others are named "closet", etc, etc, etc.

    I think if you watch the video you can answer your own question.

    What is your black dog's name? Can he do tricks?
     
  5. skiff

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    Hi,

    Just posted this in a thread titled "black dog" but it applies here too.

    I had a black dog, his name was depression: http://youtu.be/XiCrniLQGYc

    Depression is a voice, fear is a voice, the mind has many voices. When any voice gets too loud or too talkative it becomes a black dog. Some black dogs are named "fear" others are named "closet", etc, etc, etc.

    I think if you watch the video you can answer your own question.

    What is your black dog's name? Can he do tricks?
     
  6. user199

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    i can relate to your situation...in my mid thirties myself and just trying to accept the fact that i am gay. very much still in the closet but do have hope and understand this is a process.
    i understand your need for seeking affection and love..its a tricky phase in our life..my suggestion is too take it slowly and if you are not comfortable with hookups and sex dont do it. i have had few over the years but now i don't feel the need of hookup anymore..sex yes but only with someone i have some connection and chemistry with..hopefully you still have a long healthy life ahead..don't think of in terms of making up for the lost time crap context..do what makes you happy and it totally fine to take your time and invest in your emotional and mental well being...
     
  7. PrairieRachel

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    Remember, where ever you go you will be there too! Moving not always the answer.
     
  8. MOGUY

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    Forgive me if I missed it, but I didn't see any mention of getting professional counseling. With the distress you describe, a good therapist may be a tremendous help. I realize rural areas provide an extra challenge- confidentiality, availability, etc. Just don't give up on yourself! Pay close attention to what conversations you're having with yourself. You're worth fighting for!
     
  9. BlueSky224

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    JuliusJ,

    We're on the same page in many ways. I'm also 39, so please don't call that "old!"

    I had a few thoughts after reading your post.

    1. Dating idiots is not unusual.
    I certainly have dated some total morons. I think that a couple of them had the same intelligence level as my dog. Or perhaps my dog is smarter. I agree with your friend that you did nothing wrong by hooking up with the dumb guy you met online.

    But yes, it's much nicer to try to find a real relationship. It's certainly what I want, and what I would hope you can find too.

    Although it's common advice, I'm not such a fan of the "go have fun!" school of thought. It really isn't all that fun. I'm not interested in a one-night stand, orgy, etc. It doesn't appeal to me. So you're in charge of deciding what's fun and what isn't fun.

    2. Just because someone is married or partnered doesn't mean he's happy.
    I had a partner for a couple of years, and we looked like the "dream" couple. People wanted to be our friends because they liked the idea of the cute gay young professional couple. But it wasn't a happy relationship at all.

    I found myself jealous of many couples I met, especially cute gay couples... only to find that they weren't necessarily filled with joy.

    That's not to say that it's impossible, it's just easy to look around and think "Gosh, everyone else is in a happy relationship. What's wrong with me?"

    3. I'm not so sure about New York City.
    It's been a long time since I lived there, but it can be a really lonely place sometimes. Even though I lived in the West Village, it wasn't like I got embraced by gay togetherness. In fact, I think I only went on one date the whole time I lived there.

    I sometimes think that New York and San Francisco can actually be tougher. They're expensive, people are busy, and sometimes really kind of harsh.

    I strongly suggest spending some time in New York before moving. Go for a week (it sounds like you need a vacation anyway!) Spend some time in the West Village, among other places. See how it feels.

    4. You're not alone when it comes to being a workaholic

    There was a post just recently about this. I'm absolutely guilty of this... my whole life. It's a way to avoid the loneliness. I married my job because I felt so alone. I get it. And I'm glad that you've recognized what's happening to you. I always thought I was just being a good worker, a dedicated doctor, etc. But I was actually just avoiding life.

    I'm taking a break from work right now, which is totally scary from a financial perspective, but a wise idea in may other ways.

    5. Moguy and Skiff are right about depression.
    Yep. It happens. It can make you feel even lonelier, affect your sense of self worth, and there's the whole "Beck's Triad:" negative view of self, world, and others. Does that ring a bell?

    I do think that talking with a therapist would be great if you can find a good match. Maybe you want to try it out, and see if you feel comfortable. You may have to shop around a bit until you find a therapist who seems most comfortable and helpful... that's normal.

    6. We're all here for you
    I can speak for myself, but I think I also speak for others here... what you're saying is familiar. I'm going through it, and so are others. You are most definitely not alone. And I hope it feels better to know that and read that.
     
  10. jAYMEGURL

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    Juliusj :


    Okay, here's what did you wrong. first of all, you " hooked up " with someone just for sex, BIG MISTAKE ( hopefully, you won't " pay " for this with your life }. I'm
    glad that you were able to tell a selected few people about your sexuality. Don't
    EVER think that what you've done is wrong, this is your life, and nobody can say it's right or wrong.

    Thirty-nine yrs. old!!!! Ha, you're so young, try thinking about people much older than that trying desperately to " Come Out " of the closet. You're just a baby, ( not
    literally, but figuratively } You have so much growing up to do, ( emotionally )
    don't think of " coming out " as a punishment, it's not, " Coming Out " is the best
    thing that I ever did, and I know that this can be great for you too.


    HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

    Jaymegurl
     
  11. AKTodd

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    Ok, after reading your post and skimming the thread, my 2c worth:

    First - if you don't learn to love and accept yourself, moving somewhere else isn't going to help you. You'll just be lonely and non-accepting of yourself in a new location.

    Second - that said, if you can use moving as a way of closing one chapter of your life and opening a new and fresh one (one in which you are at least working diligently to love and accept yourself), then moving can be quite effective. Moving might also be a way of kicking you out of your rut so you can start the process of learning to love and accept yourself.

    Third - You should look into ways of getting to know other people (LGBT or otherwise) that get you out of the house, out of your rut, and out and about. That could be clubs, charity work, church (there are LGBT friendly denominations of various sorts), politics, meetups, sports teams, etc. Given your orientation, my advice would be to try to focus on groups where you are certain (or at least more likely) to meet other LGBT people. This may or may not work best in relation to your move to a larger population center, depending on where you live.

    Fourth - If/when you meet more LGBT people, it may provide a pool of potential dating and relationship material, but that should only be the 'icing on the cake' rather than the goal in itself. If you view every other LGBT person on the planet through the lens of whether or not you can/will/want to have sex with them, and don't want to get to know anyone who you don't want to/can't get naked with - you are being unfair to them and possibly denying yourself the chance to get to know a lot of really great people. Make your goal getting to know people and having fun, not finding a date or 'the love of your life' - that can often come while you're having fun and when you least expect it. And if you make it your sole and only reason for interacting with anyone else, it can take surprisingly long - or forever - to actually happen.

    Fifth and finally - There's nothing wrong with meaningless sex done purely for pleasure if that's what works for you. Nor is there anything wrong with wanting to have some degree of relationship and feelings for another person before having sex with them, if that's what works for you. Or having NSA fun while also looking for a relationship if that's what works for you. Or whatever. What is wrong is treating sex as though there is one, and only one, 'right' way to approach it from some objective standard of morality or the like and that anything else is somehow 'wrong' in some sense that you have any reason to feel guilty about.

    What works for any given person regarding sex is really no different than what works for any given person regarding what foods they like. You probably don't spend much time feeling guilty about whether or not you like strawberry ice cream and there's really no reason to spend any more time feeling guilty about what you and another consenting, age appropriate person do sexually, whether it's NSA or the result of a long developed relationship. The important thing is to do what makes you feel happiest and most fulfilled, whatever course of action that might be.

    Hope this helps,

    Todd