Promiscuity?

You know the difference between a few animal species and men/women ?

If they try something and it does not work out, they immediately try out something different.

People instead tend to keep repeating what they somehow found worked at least once for them.

So you are not alone. Its a common pattern.
(*hug*)

I would advise you to think it really over if you come up with a solution of the past.

It can be wonderfully relieving and freeing trying out something new.

You might just relax and meditate on what you like... kind of like daydreaming, not too much, just enough to let you get a feeling for what you'd like... maybe making notes...

and then looking for how to fulfill that...

and if resistance comes up, you might try to find a way around it... just like trying something new...


(*hug*)

 

I don't think there's any reason to be ashamed at all! You didn't do it to hurt anyone - you did it actually because you were trying to do the "right" thing. Now you know better, so you can do better for yourself. Clearly, this pattern didn't work for you.

It's really common among lesbians to be promiscuous with guys, for a lot of the reasons you mention. It can take a long while to figure yourself out, and to find self-acceptance.

I don't see why people get so caught up on numbers, anyway. The important thing is how you treat people, and what your intentions are. And that if you're lucky, there were no huge consequences like STDs or unwanted babies, etc. To me, it doesn't matter if someone slept with 2,000 people if they did not hurt themselves or anyone else in the process.

OK, so now looking back it seems like you made some mistakes on your journey, like you did stuff that didn't really help you. The best thing in the world about looking back on your history, when you don't want to at all, is it is the best way to learn from your past and make your future way better. So now looking at it, you have a chance to move forward and change your patterns to something that makes you feel happier and healthier, and lets you meet more people who can be a positive influence in your life and on the person you want to be.

I don't think the point of looking back on one's past is to torture yourself, and then die of shame. I think it's to give you a completely clean slate to try something new in the future. Life is not a mistake-free journey. We all take a few wrong turns here and there. You'll probably make more mistakes in the future. But if you try something different, at least they won't be the same ones! And sooner or later, you'll find what works for you, and you'll probably attract a lot of admirers for your bravery in facing yourself, and the work you've done to head in a more positive direction for you.

A note - since before you were either closeted, or perhaps gave off a vibe of being somewhat self-hating, you may have attracted women who were the rejecting type. They fed off your self-rejection and jumped on it, or maybe were caught up in denying their own sexuality so couldn't make the leap for you. That does not mean that all women will be that way. I think you'll find that if you take a much more positive, confident, and accepting view of yourself, and spend less time with crowds of straight men in favor of hanging with more gay women, you'll probably give off a good vibe and through sheer numbers of women you meet, you're much more likely to find a woman who respects herself the way she is too, and who can like you for who you are. You don't need someone to fall in love with you to rescue you. But if you give off the vibe that you're confident and can take care of yourself, a lot of great women will want to be around you. Maybe you need to spend a little time just being single so you can gain confidence that you are really ok by yourself, that you don't need anyone else to validate you or take care of you, or even to help you fend off unwanted advances.

[Besides, if you want to say you're married to fend off aggressive guys (although saying no should be plenty enough reason for them to leave you alone), you can just wear a fake wedding band, you don't have to actually marry someone! I've done that when I was traveling abroad in sexist countries, and it worked pretty well. An $8 ring at Claire's did the trick. ]

 

you're so nice, how could anyone not be nice to you in their reply? (*hug*) Besides, this is EC and we're supposed to be nice here. We're all pretty much in the same boat.
I think that the greatest thing is that you were able to make such an honest list of your history. I've been journalling on and off for the past 20 years, and just recently wrote an honest journal for the first time. In the past, I never once wrote that I am gay in a journal, and only made occasional vague references to "my problem." This latest journal started off with the sentence "I am gay." And then I filled the pages with truth. And the preachers are right about one thing, the truth will set us free!
As far as promiscuity, yeah, that has been a big part of my life. For me, it has mostly been promiscuity with my own sex, and I think that at least a part of it is because I'm in the closet. When I can't have the relationships that you are supposed to have, then I have sex with whomever I can. Would that be different if I were out? I don't know, but I think so. Only one way to know for sure.
Now, with the opposite sex, I guess there is some similarity. I was never interested in women enough to pursue them in high school or college. Then I went in the Navy, far from home and restrictions, going to places where there was lots of sex for sale, and so that was my first sexual contact with the opposite sex, with a number of women in that trade, for a pretty limited period of time. Then I married someone whom I barely knew, there was no sex before marriage and not much after. Of course, it doesn't take much to get pregnant, and so that happened three times.
But a real part of your question is the emotional connection. With women, whether is was with those hookers almost four decades ago or with my wife, I never felt what everyone says you're supposed to feel. I always thought that people were just buying into the Hallmark ads, and that nobody really felt that way. When it comes to feelings, we have no measuring stick to go by other than what we ourselves have felt in our hearts. I have felt some emotions toward some men, but usually push them away because I am too afraid of where that would take me. who knows, it might take me out of the closet.
One more thing on the topic of promiscuity. I think that some people have a high sex drive, and some have low, and some not at all. Those with low/none can feel good about themselves and be judgmental of those "sluts" who actually have a sex drive. But for those of us who have a high sex drive, and who are promiscuous, I honestly believe that our need for sex is partly how we process emotional attachment. We need to have that closeness. It's just how we are. We waste too much energy feeling guilty about it. Like our sexual orientation, it's something we can't change about ourselves.
I don't know if you can relate to ANY of this, but it's just my experience and where I'm at. The most important thing that I want to say is that you should be really proud of how honest you are being with your therapist. Our thoughts are with you! (&&&)

 

I had a slightly different take on this: I thought that women were capable, indeed needful, of feeling great emotional attachment, but that men were not. Then I fell in love with a man.

Joel Kort, the psychologist who is frequently cited on this board, estimates that 93% of men who come out to their wives do so after forming an emotional attachment to another man.

 

Actually, Roses, when I served was much worse than DADT. I entered under Jimmy Carter and left right before Bill Clinton. So I wished I had something as liberal as DADT. When I served it was more like "we don't need to ask and you don't need to tell, because we're gonna hunt all you f**s down, arrest you, turn you over for court martial, and give you and OTH discharge. I saw a lot of guys kicked out for exactly that reason. and NIS staked out all the gay hangouts. One officer got caught because he was in an ABS, and one of his uniform shirts fresh from the cleaners was hanging in his car. I asked the JAGs how they could assume that he was gay or was having sex in the ABS, and they said that being in there was proof enough. Then I went into the Department of State in 1992, which I thought would be safer. But at the time I entered, there were three CRIMINAL cases in progress against foreign service officers just because they were gay. So, believe it or not, when Clinton came out with DADT, that was seen as such a radical break with past policy, tremendously liberal. The State Department didn't change until Hillary was in charge. And then it was a radical change. Not only did they stop chasing us down, but lots of protections were instituted, fair treatment for partners came into effect, and LGBTs were actually celebrated. One officer said to me that it was like turning the lights on, because before it was like nobody was gay, and then overnight there were gay people all over the office. Which I think is also a reflection of the reality in society. If we ever get to that point where it is really not an issue any more, I think that our numbers will surprise even the most optimistic estimates. Fact is, we are not alone! Just give us a chance. (!)

 

terrible and terrifying. people can't imagine what the world was like before Stonewall, and it has been a slow, gradual process since then. but where we are now is SO much better than the world that I grew up in. Even back then we could see the irony of sending men to jail because they were gay, knowing what happened in jail. and in fact, it was a criminal offense for men to even wear anything considered to be "women's clothes," though there was no similar statutes against women (though my father wouldn't LET my mother wear slacks until she was in her 40's!)