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Advice on how to respond to my adult kids

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SWburbchgo, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. SWburbchgo

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    Okay EC'ers I could use your help and council on this one as I am not very good with my words and everything I have said since I came out to my wife last Sat apparently has been wrong.
    My adult sons (24 and 21) who love me and were completely blindsided by my call to them on Sunday, which my wife insisted I do that day, wrote me a letter which frankly makes me cry every time I read it. It is supportive but in it they ask me the following:

    "What council did you seek for this advice about how to handle this situation? And in what state of mind have you been during this time of need? Is your handling of the situation related to your vulnerability? And were you perhaps taken advantage of by someone who seemed trustworthy, compassionate, and accepting? So much so that you made such a dramatic turn against your family overnight?"

    "Yes, I said against your family. There is not a number of “blog posts” that exists to convince me that you handled this situation fairly for anyone. You up and left your wife with no one to help fend for her. She is completely on her own in a state of loss and grief without expectation for the future of herself, her kids, and what’s left of her family. As for your kids, well we received our due phone call I suppose. And yourself? What of your friends? Your home? Your neighbors? The other half of your family? Who takes care of you when you’re sick? What are we to do for the holidays? What happens when my brother and I come home? One thing is for certain; running and hiding with your “friend” and/or looking for an apartment while leaving everyone else around you to pick up the pieces is not the way to handle this situation."

    This completely breaks my heart and I don't know how to respond appropriately even though I have let this letter sink in for 2 days. I love my children and they will always be number one. I repeatedly have told them how horrible I feel the way that I treated their mother but I can not unfire a gun. I don't see any possibility of us living in the same house in a true open marriage. Especially now that I think she may have told many people about the situation.

    I can use any advice you can provide - I need help to find the right compassionate words.
     
  2. quietman702

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    I feel your pain but I'm not sure there is a "good" way to handle this other than telling them the truth.. tbo it's going to a bumpy ride. They too are feeling the loss and are expressing it the best they know how to. Perhaps a face to face would be good with your kids as they may have taken issue with just a phone call... on top of the shock they may feel slighted. But be prepared for possibly a not so supportive meeting but it is necessary for them to express themselves directly with you. I want to extend light and love your way.
     
  3. Choirboy

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    Wow. That's a whole lot for you to digest.

    Well first of all, you probably need to stress that you're not making a "dramatic turn against your family". You are accepting something about yourself that you have buried for years, something that frightened and confused you, and far from turning against your family, you are asking them to accept you for who you really are. You're not turning against them--you're asking THEM not to turn against YOU, the real you. I'd point out that the tone of the letter sounds a lot more like them attacking you than the reverse, which is what they seem to be implying

    Second--you ARE looking for an equitable and fair way to deal with this, without nuking your family. None of the changes that they articulate are decisions that have to be made overnight, or questions that need to be answered immediately. Friends, neighbors etc. do not need to be told instantly, and if your wife chose to do so, then she is the one who is instigating the change and throwing the bombs, not you. You didn't just walk out, and you do want everyone provided for. It's not like you just walked out, drained the bank account and cut up the credit cards.

    At age 21 and 24, your boys may feel some sense of responsibility toward their mother, but they're also adults who shouldn't immediately rush right to "What are we to do for the holidays? What happens when my brother and I come home?" That's a little childish (although of course I wouldn't say that directly). Their wording strikes me as odd (referring to her "your wife" and them as "your children" as if they're talking to a stranger. I'd be tempted to stress that she is their mother and you are their father, and that's not changing. For that matter, she is still your wife for the moment, and you really would rather not be treated like the enemy.

    Obviously you can't claim full innocence in this. You did meet someone and start a relationship in secret, and there's going to be some hurt surrounding that. It can't be avoided. Chances are you can't apologize enough to make up for that, but if she knew that you were interested in guys before you married, then she has got some complicity in this too. But you may need to respond in as calm a manner as you can that you know this is difficult to process, and it's not easy for you either, but you it doesn't have to be as traumatic and immediate as they're all making it. After all, it took a lot of soul-searching on your part to reach this point, and you didn't approach the decision to tell her lightly.

    Sorry, this is a little disjointed. All I can say is, be kind to them but be kind to yourself too, and remind them that this doesn't change the fundamentals of who you are. And be strong. This is certainly going to be an adjustment for them, but after all, the 4 of you are all adults and need to behave as such. Tossing accusatory letters your way isn't going to solve anything.

    Try to be strong and don't be afraid to lean on people, seek therapy or a support group, whatever. These are the kind of times when it's best to find someone to lean on, even if only briefly. Good luck.
     
  4. Wildside

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    We really feel some of the pain that you are in, but can't even imagine the depth of it. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you navigate this difficult time.
    This is not something you can argue with logic to convince your children to change how they see things. The letter is harsh, but it is filled with intense emotion. Logic does nothing in the face of such emotion. Personally, I would set the letter aside for now. They got your message, and you got theirs. For the moment, there is a lot of practical things that you need to do with your life. And you need something to focus on each day, as you are probably walking through life like a bit of a zombie right now. With all your energy, make that list of things that you need to do: find a place to stay, pack your bags, fill up your gas tank, etc etc. You may even need to consult with a divorce attorney; and a psychologist or therapist definitely needs to be on your "to do" list.
    You will never convince your children with words, but your one hope is how you live your life. Their letter accuses you of abandoning your family, and really, you are just being honest about who you have always been. The letter is in itself a declaration of them abandoning you. All of that hurts so intensely. But there is always hope. Commit yourself to not abandoning your family in your heart, as you move on to live your life independent of your wife. That means, you continue to invite, you continue to send cards, you continue to express your concern for them and your wife. That doesn't mean call them right now or write them right now, to fix things. It means do those things when you would have normally done them. Act as if the relationship is what it always has been, because really in your heart nothing has changed in how you feel towards your children, towards your family. and make that extra effort to show that commitment by acting towards your wife with love and forgiveness, no matter how hateful she might be in the process.
    A year from now, you will be on EC starting a thread to tell us the miracle of how your life changed, and how much better things are getting. But today, you just have to get through today; you may just need to get through the next five minutes. So take pen in hand, and start writing out that "to do" list. And don't worry if the ink gets smudged by the tears. That's part of the process too. (*hug*)
     
  5. kindy14

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    It helped in those first few weeks to not dwell on the pain I caused and to focus on setting up a new life.

    How to respond, just be truthful. Tell them "I don't know yet" if you don't know. Better to get it all out in the open, then to have things hanging over your relationships.
     
  6. greatwhale

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    I think a response is necessary, but not an apology.

    Let me explain: you did something damned difficult, something that took you a long time to figure out, they have not had the benefit of that time, so of course, it feels like a tsunami.

    Respond by saying simply that you have heard them loud and clear, remind them that you love them more than anything in the world and that you will always be there for them. Insist that you have not changed, that you have only revealed to them what they needed to know and that this is part of the work you are doing to correct your mistakes and to be a better person as well as a better father.

    You need to show them that you are taking all necessary steps to mitigate the damage and to support your wife in the best way possible, and that you are seeking professional counsel (I hope you are) so that the least amount of damage is done during this difficult time.

    You have here an opportunity to model mature behaviour by taking responsibility where it is due, not just with words but with actions. No need for any further reply at this point, let them grieve in their own way, and just be there for them as much as you can. Your sons will need all the love and compassion that you can muster, show it with actions and with words, as appropriate, and take care of yourself as well! (*hug*)
     
  7. SWburbchgo

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    I want to sincerely thank each of you for responding you have given me hope in what right now seems hopeless. I feel as though I do need to respond to tell them that I certainly intend on doing the right thing by them and their mother yet remaining true to my self. I will post it in this thread when complete and certainly seek any feedback from you wonderful men.
     
  8. bjd400

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    Every one responds differently. The questions your sons are asking seem to want to place "blame" on someone outside the family. In sort of a unique way, they are trying to convince you to see whoever influenced you to make such a seeming "rash" decision, was wrong. I think I get the reaction. But we all know it was not rash at all. We have all read your posts and know the turmoil and thought that went into you telling your wife. It is clear to all of us that you care about the effect it has had on all of them. Just be open and honest and you will be able to show that same care to them as well. Greatwhale, as usual, has offered some great advice. I know that by supporting them all and being open and honest with them, everyone, including your wife, will be better off in the long run. Good luck my friend.
     
  9. Clay

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    They seem to be blaming you for a lot of things, but they themselves don't seem to have an answer. Well, they seem to be implying "Stay in the family" with that letter, but that's an unrealistic and frankly childish expectation for adults like them to make.

    I'd say ask them what they think you should do, then explain your actions.
     
  10. CameronBayArea

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    Without knowing the people involved I can't offer any realistic advice, but I can share what I would do if I was in your shoes.

    First, I'd recognize that the outsider in the situation (the bf) is an easy target. If the kids are hurt and angry, and they want to blame someone, their only choices are me and the bf. Because forgiveness and acceptance are much more likely to come my way in the long run, I'd make it as clear as possible that I'm responsible for my own actions and that the bf didn't pressure me, trick me, etc.

    Second, I'd recognize that hurt and anger grow when they're stifled. So, as difficult as it would be, I'd encourage my sons to unload on me, face-to-face, with full force and not hold back. I'd want them to get it all out, to the point of emotional and physical exhaustion.

    Third, I'd let them talk, and I'd only listen, especially at first. Resentment develops when people have something to say and they're not heard. Listening is a highly underrated way to defuse difficult situations.

    Fourth, once they've said their piece to their satisfaction, I'd ask for their help to solve the problems they've identified. For example, if they're angry that I moved in with my bf, I'd ask them how to fix the situation. Should I move back in with their mother? (Would their mother want that??) Should I move to my own place? (Can I afford that and still have money for spousal support??) By getting their input in how to realistically solve the problems they have, I'd be creating a "we" situation not a "me vs. them" dynamic. "What can we do together to solve these problems?"

    Fifth, assuming the conversation is less heated and more rational by this point, I'd take them through my whole decision process. When did I know I was attracted to men? Why didn't I tell anyone? Did I go looking for my bf or did the relationship unexpectedly develop? Yes, the conversation is likely to be very painful and embarrassing for me but I know that, in the long run, my sons are going to be much more forgiving of my flaws if I'm honest and humble about them vs. being hyper-defensive and/or eager to pass the blame on to others. Respect is earned, especially in situations where you have the option to step up and be accountable to others.

    Six, once the whole conversation has run its course I'd let my kids stew on it for a few days; perhaps as long as a week. Then I'd meet with them individually and rehash whatever is still on their minds. Basically, I'd be working to rebuild their trust in me.

    Finally, and throughout our interactions, I'd never ask the boys to intervene with their mother on my behalf. If they want to take that on, that's their choice. I wouldn't ask them to be intermediaries, nor would tacitly expect them to be. One of the things kids hate most about divorce is getting stuck between their fighting parents.

    I have no idea if any of the above is of help to you SWburbchgo, but that's what I would do.
     
  11. Nickinthemiddle

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    I'm sorry, I think the tactics that your wife has been using are very manipulative. If this is a dynamic that the adult kids have grown up with all their life, their knee jerk reaction is going to be to fall in line. She is counting on your shame, which is why she is outing you. To shame you and punish you. I don't want to sound unfair her, but no matter how badly she is hurt by this, she is using manipulative tactics. So, you already got like the best advice from the other posters, but I just wanted to pop in and let you know, hey, this is probably not really how they really actually feel, they're probably just bowing to the pressure of falling in line with mom. Only you know if this is a pattern in yall's life but if it is, well, there you go.

    Good luck, best wishes, to you ~
     
  12. aboutface

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    I didn't know what to say or have good advice myself really but just wanted to say this definitely sounds like really excellent advice all around.
     
  13. Wildside

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    I think that Roses is right on target. As I read the excerpts from their letter to you, I even wondered how much the writing of the letter was influenced by your wife telling them that they had to talk some sense into you. Of course, you would know the family dynamics, but from the limited amount of information we see from the outside, that's what it looks like to me, IMHO. And so in some indirect or even direct way, she may have influenced the production of that letter, which complicates the situation. There will be a point, I hope, at which your children are really able to talk with you as fellow adults, and maybe they'll be ready to really listen and try to understand. But for now, you can only be patient, and look for some means of emotional support. (&&&)
     
  14. kindy14

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    Yeah, I got, "you really want to live like this?" last week at therapy with our son. Meaning, with all the damage I had caused, and everything being in turmoil.

    Of course, he's only 15, and it's not an inappropriate response for his age (I think.) I just didn't have an answer for him right then (I hate being put on the spot with new questions.)
     
  15. awesomeyodais

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    One more aspect of this situation to consider:

    If your sons, like most boys, grew up trying to emulate their dad, looking up to him (you) as a role model, etc, this announcement could make them question themselves, at first anyway. Is this hereditary? Some guys are more secure with themselves than others... While they sound angry (assuming they actually wrote it without coaching and direction from your wife), they could be scared as well.
     
  16. tscott

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    Remember this is your story to tell, not your wife's story. This is something for which you do need to stand up. Despite the affair which will always be a problem. You need to impress on your boys that this was not done maliciously to hurt them.
     
  17. greatwhale

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    To further expand on what we are generally all saying, you need to own this. In other words you need to convey to them that you are taking charge of this situation and that you will provide all due support and arrangements as the responsible person you are.

    Up until they were adults, you were responsible for them, you were not responsible to them. Now that they are adults, although young, they need to understand that this is something you need to do in order to make things better for everyone, even if they disagree on the particulars.

    This will require a degree of assertiveness on your part, acknowledging your responsibilities to them (within clear boundaries) and to yourself.
     
  18. SWburbchgo

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    Thanks again to all who have sent me their thoughts and suggestions - very helpful
    Here is the letter that I would like to send to my kids today and would appreciate any feedback or suggestions

    "Here is what I want you to know – Both of you have been and will continue to be my highest priority. I don’t need to tell you that as you already know it by my words and my actions, all of your life. I am still your Dad, the one that changed your diapers, attended every game and most practices of the sports in your life. I am the same person who has watched you grow into your young adulthood with a sense of pride because you are wonderful kids. I am the same person who will wait with excited expectations as you move on to your future journeys in life from the first job out of college to marriage and eventually grandchildren. Whatever path you take I just want you to be happy. My disclosure last Sunday changes nothing about who I was, who I am or who I will be.

    I realize that there could have been many other alternatives to my approach with this and I apologize for the way that I handled it so abruptly. I loved your mother when we married and she will hold a place in my heart all my life. What you need to know is that I needed to do this for myself. I realize that you are hurt and angry and rightfully so, but I can also tell you that no one coerced or took advantage of me as I made this decision. No ultimatums were given, in fact, quite the opposite is true. I sought no counsel from anyone on this.

    The shame, denial, along with feelings of being lost and alone in many ways is something that I had tried to bury for many years. I am pretty sure that had I sought counseling, the outcome, while not as harsh, would have been the same. Coming out is a process and it there are no rule books or manuals so moving forward I am going to move more slowly and thoughtfully in who I tell and when I tell them.

    Your letter suggests that I am turning away from my family but in truth I am asking you to not turn against me for being the real me. I am taking every step I can to mitigate the damage and support your mother financially and emotionally. I am not sure that you can’t see this right now but in the long run it would be more destructive for me to live in denial and maintain a facade. That would not be healthy for anyone. Not only would it cause profound damage to me as an individual, but it would also damage the very people I love and show so much concern for.

    The most important thing I want you to take away from this letter is that I love you both dearly.
    -Dad "
     
  19. greatwhale

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    I think the letter addresses the issues and their concerns very well. I wouldn't change a thing!

    Just a few typos to fix as they are distracting:

    1) Coming out is a process and there are no rule-books or manuals to follow, so moving forward...

    2) I am not sure that you can see this right now but in the long run, it would have been increasingly destructive for me to live in denial...

    3) [end the last large paragraph with] ...,but it would damage the very people I love.

    Best of luck!
     
  20. Clay

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    Man that letter looks perfect.