My Update

Hi all. Been a little while and I thought I'd give an update. And a little recap for some of the new faces around here.

I really started seriously questioning my sexuality in April last year at age 41. For me, it felt a little weird, as I thought I'd done that before and considered myself straight. I guess there was a part of me that would have been ok with experimenting with a guy, but it didn't feel essential. I loved my wife and that was the most important thing.

Of course, saying all of that, I did still have a history of having gay fantasies, although fewer than I'd had before becoming involved with her. Often, I do recall kinda pushing those down, as they involved friends of mine. I mean, I never really indulged in them, for sure. And I never really noticed any attraction to guys, and I do know what a beautiful woman looks like, so I guess I figured that was that.

So, after 10 years of marriage, and both the normal tumult that can happen during all of that and dealing with my anxiety and depression, I had one of those fantasies pop up. And I didn't push it down this time and for the first time really kinda looked at some guys. And it really made me realize that what I thought was sexual attraction was nothing compared to how that felt.

After that didn't seem to be going away, and a few conversations with my therapist, and reading EC, I had to have that conversation with my wife. That hurt, quite a lot, but had to happen. There have been a number of ups and downs with us in unwinding our marriage. I think that's when some un talked about or previously minor seeming issues can come out, as there's not as much need to preserve the peace. However, for the most part we've been able to support each other. She's still my best friend.

For me, this has been about 9 months of questioning, then requestioning. Dealing with the fear that I'd now and forever be alone, that I'd lost my best chance at being happy or something. That I was throwing away a marriage with someone I loved. But I really think I've turned a bit of a corner on this in the last week or so.

For the first time, I can say that I'm not accepting that I'm gay, but I'm actually excited about it.

My best,

Cf

 

I think so.

And, for me personally, as hard as it's been I still feel incredibly fortunate in many of the ways it has gone. It's taken a toll on both parties, but we have been able to work through that. We have also been able to maintain an open dialogue that's been helpful for both of us. I believe that I mentioned before that it does sometimes feel like we have a deeper relationship now than before, even if that has clear implications in changing the shape of that relationship that are very difficult to navigate. I know that this is fairly unique, but I'm thankful for it and I do think it has helped me progress.

 

Hey, well, maybe I am bi? I dunno, it doesn't seem quite right currently though. On my other recent post, I laid out a bit of my history. I do recall as a younger teenager that I'd be free to figure that out in college, but between what happened there and the effects of cramming down any of those feelings, I wasn't able to do so then. Even perhaps a little more confusing as almost all expressions of sexuality were not allowed in my home.

I know that a lot of people who are bi say that, while they are attracted to both, that it is a different feeling of attraction. So, could it be that, I dunno. It is different. Although what it feels like when I've allowed myself to be ok with attracted to a guy is so different that it's just on another planet. Its as though I never knew what "sexual attraction" felt like.

I haven't started seeing guys yet. I'm ready to start dating though, if I can, and see about finding places that aren't bars to meet. Not that I have a particular problem with bars, but I'd like to expand my net. Going a few times has been helpful to me in becoming more comfortable with the idea of being with a guy. But the whole shock of it all and dealing with the emotions and the actual logistics of separating have taken some time and energy. As we've moved past that, and as I've become more comfortable and worked to realize that my conflicts about it seem to have much more to do with internalized homophobia and related fears, that I'm really ready.

Oh, so, my ex started dating much more quickly. She'd not done any real dating before we met and before I was the only person she'd had sex with before. She talked about some ways in which those interactions have been different, and it is interesting as it's given us both a glimpse about what's missing, and I'm seeing how I'll get that from guys. It's an interesting perspective, and she's been more sure that I'm gay not bi than I've been.

Yes, there's a loss, and yes it's scary as hell at times. We aren't there for each other for security in the same way as before, and the financial picture is going to take some adjustment. Some of ways we connected were not healthy, of course, but we did have each other.

Right now, I think my ex and I are doing pretty well. I usually see here 1-2 times a week and we talk and text almost every day. We really do fit together really well in a lot of ways, and we were friends for like a year and a half before we did anything sexual. I'm glad to see we can still be, as I know just how rare that is.

---------- Post added 17th Jan 2015 at 11:53 AM ----------

You know, I think that really the only reason that I even hedge a tiny bit today is that I fear that I'm lying to myself about it after lying to myself for so long. Very untrustworthy of me.

That's a part of the process for sure.

---------- Post added 17th Jan 2015 at 11:54 AM ----------

Thanks so much, I appreciate you support and that of everyone here.

 

Hmm, I wonder about if someone can really feel like it is so intense, but that it isn't really as central, just new. I had that same exact thought on a few occasions, cause it hit me with a lot of intensity.

Quite a lot of that intensity has lessened, but the attraction to guys is definitely still there, and it's def more and different. For me, feeling accepting has lessened the intensity. I think that process is part of what makes it often one of questioning and requestioning, cause I associated that intensity with my overall feelings. So, when that started to lessen, it sometimes made me think that it was just a passing new thing.