Soooo, am doing final divorce paperwork and that sure is no fun whatsoever. I hate the crashing down feelings that I get when dealing with these sorts of things. It's like I get to relive everything similar from previous things in my life. It seems to be tied into my common feelings of shame and guilt so that gets very triggered and intense. And given the relationship that has to feelings of homosexuality for me is an extra layer on top. Anyone else experience these sorts of intense waves of flashbacks when you're feeling bad about dealing with something? Do you have strategies that help you cope? This isn't specifically an LGBTQ thing but I don't think I'm alone here in having dealt with anxiety and depression too.
Oh yeah. For me, when the feelings start to hit (heart palpitations, face getting hot, sinking feeling in stomach, palms sweating, etc), I slow my breathing. I say to myself, you are experiencing anxiety, AND, that is okay. (Fighting the anxiety can actually make it escalate). Then I do something tactile, such as touch my jeans, wiggle my toes, anything you can do that is you actually touching something, as you breathe slowly, this helps you to get out of your head and more grounded physically. Then you can ask yourself why you think you are anxious. When the answers pop into your head (negative thoughts), you can do what is called DBT, dialectics. You accept the negative thought exists, and you look for the positive to it. For example, I have anxiety with male physicians. I would say to myself, "I am afraid of male physicians because they have hurt me in the past, BUT/AND, this physician is highly recommended and professional". Dialectics is putting together two things with AND/BUT. "I feel like scared because I am getting divorced again BUT this is also a new beginning" "I feel scared that I might be rejected because I am gay BUT there are plenty of people who love me as a gay man" It's a process to learn how to do this but doing this lets you accept the fact that you are experiencing trauma/anxiety, and it allows you to see the positive factors/outcomes instead of drowning under the waves. I have had the unfortunate circumstances of having needed Cognitive and Dialectic behavioral therapy, but the benefits of being able to do so. You can look up those up, there are a lot of techniques that help you both manage anxiety/panic attacks, and navigate negative self talk, just listed the ones that I personally use I hope I have been in any way helpful. I am sorry you have these experiences, but you are by no means alone (&&&)
Thank you, Roses, these are very helpful. I'm also doing some cognitive based therapy, and I have found it helpful. I have has some anxiety and panic attacks, and while those are often there too, these seem a little different. More just waves and sadness. I think they can sometimes lead to more anxiety/panic. I dunno, maybe "depression attacks"? I do think that these techniques can help with these too though. They are both heightened responses to something that "shouldn't" trigger so much, except for what is going on in the old head. I went to a running race with my ex back in November in the town where we went to school. That was kinda particularly bad. Hmm, it's almost like when things are just feeling so bleak that my brains rushes back to other times when it was bleak, or even turning happy memories into sad ones, based on how they turned out in the particular sad feeling I'm in at that moment. So, for that day, not only did I have to feel sad about my relationship ending with my ex, but I felt like I was re experiencing breaking up with my prior ex, and sadness about my friend who died in '93, and kinda on and on. I will give those dialectics a try. I've definitely found it helpful to write things down. Recently, that's been very helpful when I find my brain kinda spinning over and over on the same ground, ruminating. I find that this lets me "put a pin in it" so that I can think about something else. I mean, I'd rather not waste my energy fighting with myself about something that I don't know how to answer and that I won't be able to answer at that time by relentless obsessive thinking. Sometimes that act does even give me a little clarity, sometimes it gives me something that I put in my list of things to talk to my therapist about. Also, I've been thinking along some of those lines about acceptance of these things in my life. I mean, I'm a bit of an anxious person. Accepting that I am and what that means for me will maybe make it easier than feeling like I need to fight off those feelings and thoughts. That fight might even make it more likely that some weird, normal, random thing might start the process of spinning off into something much larger. And I do think that these things are helping me. I've had some depression type feelings pop up through this process over the last several months, but the length of time seems much shorter. Often falling into one of these could mean months of depression, and the longest in the past year that I've been trying something different has been about a week and that was around some of the worst things going on. Wow, it's "funny" that writing about this, and even feeling like I've got a better handle on how to deal going forward still stirs up some sadness and regret about the past. Just remembering being in that state triggers a little bit of being in that state. I do think I spent a lot of time there, so even if it doesn't feel good,there's still something normal and perversely comfortable about it. I'm sad that I missed out on quite a few things because I was in the grips of depression BUT I'm trying new things that seem to be helping reduce the negative impacts in the future. I think another walk is in order. Exercise really helps me to shed some of that baseline anxiety, and I've got a cold that's messed that up this week. Thanks, Cf
Hi CF, I can't remember who it was attributed to, but when I was in outpatient they said that there's a theory that our brain cannot fully process our emotions and feelings until we have actually translated them via either written or verbal communication. So actually even just writing things down will give a better perspective than just ruminating. I have that feeling sometimes too. Before the holidays, my PTSD was triggered from an assault from years ago, then I got down in the dumps from losing my grandmother the year prior and having the first Christmas without her, and then I started thinking about my boyfriend who died in Afghanistan... like a depression that kept going and going. One thing they also told me too was that 'shouldn't' is a shaming word. When you tell yourself you 'shouldn't' feel or react a certain way, you are invalidating yourself. So it's all about accepting whatever comes on. If I'm feeling particularly triggered, not just like an anxiety attack and then I get over it, but like triggered for a period of days, then I write the original experience and then read it to a trusted loved one. I end up being able to release the pent up emotions, and then it also reaffirms you, because your loved one is there to hear the 'deepest, darkest, shameful' things, and tells you that they love you and comfort you. If you can't do it in person, I've told my mom that I wanted to email it to her, and she read it, and then called me and I cried myself out and we talked about it. Using anonymous forums and such you can do this too if there's nobody you are close enough to trust. Even strangers can affirm you (*hug*) I have Bipolar I, and PTSD, anxiety disorder, and chronic insomnia. (Oh the list..... ) So for me, I view anxiety as an impersonal 'entity' that will be a part of my life forever. I try not to 'feed' it. I try not to fight it. I try not to hate it. I know it will always be there, and while I cannot control it, I can kind of outsmart it; I know what can trigger it, I know when I can manage it with some effort, I know when I can no longer handle it and need to remove myself from the situation, and every day is different. I'm glad you're seeing somebody! I think therapy is the best ever, anyone blessed to have access should so totally go. :eusa_clap yay to you for working on this because getting help is a form of self love! It's been nice for me too to discuss this with someone. Living with Bipolar/PTSD (I have regular pdoc visits, take meds, have to sleep, don't drink, etc) is kind of like a mental zen juggling act to do the same things that most other people do Your adversities in life have made you a deeper, more introspective, and sensitive person. Remember, people are never broken, only objects. Thank you for the conversation (*hug*)
I experienced exactly these kind of feelings. What I did was distancing myself emotionally from all of it. It never worked 100%, but at the time that was the best I could do. I don't recommend it though. There's still moments when I get a random flashback and it gives me a knot in my stomach, so these repressed emotions want to get out. Looking back, it may have been better if I expressed my emotions.
CyclingFan I haven't gone through this process yet but I want you to know that I care about what's happening with you.
Hi, My advice... Deal with waves as they come, don't avoid them or compartmentalize them. My first born was premature and spent months in the neonatal intensuve care unit. At the time I had to deal with the reality of working issues, dealing with doctors nurses, work, and home. My wife had emotional support through professionals as she was in the hospital. I needed to be "clinical" about the situation so I compartmentalized the emotions, ignored my feelings. My son is now 22 and beat all the odds, I am very proud of him, but I still have the emotions of 22 years ago in the neonatal intensive care unit neatly bottled up. If I think about it I will be crying. My advice... Deal with the emotions now as they do not get better with age, nor are they easier to process once buried. All the best.
I'd like to introduce you to my buddy, Ativan, an anti-anxiety drug. My ex and I went through mediation rather than the usual divorce route. When the final papers arrived, it was numbing, anticlimactic, and shocking all at once. Ride the waves as best as you can.
I filed for a separation in November and have the final court hearing in early March, a couple days before the first anniversary of meeting my boyfriend in person. Talk about a lot of complex emotions going on there! I think I had more depression in the time leading up to the filing than I have since, although the holidays were very strange. For many years, we've had brief times where we were very happy together as a family, which I always used to justify staying together despite the much longer periods where things were tense and frustrating, or often downright ugly. I found myself drifting back into that mode of "Maybe we could have worked things out....", but generally she'd make some snappish comment shortly after that would remind me that I put up with a whole lot of crap over the years with little reward. Lately I've found much of the anger I've felt towards her, but never expressed, bubbling to the surface, and it's often hard to be civil. It takes us both by surprise sometimes--me because I've always kept anger very deeply buried, and she because I'm no longer meek and subservient and trying to gain her approval. We may or may not be able to maintain a friendship once this is over, but if we do, it will be a very different relationship than the one we're leaving behind. The bulk of it has far less to do with coming out than it does with many years of a marriage that was unhealthy, but I still clung to it like Blanche on The Golden Girls clings to her Southern accent. With my boyfriend, I find myself having flashbacks to college, when I had a long-term crush on a roommate, and we functioned on campus largely as a couple even though we actually weren't one. The carefree, happy feelings I had hanging out with him come crashing back when we're together, and it brings back a youthful optimism I thought I'd lost. But it also brings back some of the feelings of betrayal and abandonment that I eventually felt when we went our separate ways, which I have to check every now and then. What I had in college is the closest thing I'd had to a gay relationship, so it's all I have to go by. I know this is healthier and more positive and loving, so when the waves start swelling, I have to step back and remind myself of that.
Yes. Thank you for bringing it up! I use Kolonopin in a low dose two times a day as sort of a maintenance for anxiety. I've used Ativan for an in the moment, I know my anxiety is increasing dose. I used to be really scared of anti-anxiety meds because I was over-prescribed once in the past, but with a doc that is conservative in the dose, it can really help so much and there's no shame. Thanks TScott, a good idea as well.
Well, I can definitely say I've repressed some emotions! Honestly, years of doing that are likely a factor in how my anxiety and depression have developed. I always thought of myself as being very analytical, left brained, etc. And, yes, I am at least partially that. But then these emotions started interfering with that logical thinking, and I'd try to deny that they were there or that having those feelings were even completely illegitimate or some of the roots of those were the un constructive part of my thought process. I had a pretty spectacular role model for doing this in my father. And of course "cool, decisive, analytical" are intertwined with our societal views on masculinity. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2015 at 01:58 PM ---------- Thanks, I'm definitely trying to deal with these as they come, but also since there's so much built up, and so much new stuff from the past several months, I'm also trying to deal with it in more "digestible" bites so that I can try to avoid getting completely overwhelmed. It's challenging trying to navigate dealing with these things in a positive way vs the extremes of trying to have no emotions/having them all at once in a protracted blowout. That's really an awesome story about your son. My mother was a neonatal intensive care nurse before she had children. ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2015 at 02:00 PM ---------- Thank you! I absolutely appreciate your support.
There have been a couple of things, on both sides, that have popped up as little resentments through the divorce. I am glad that she and I have been able to kinda dig through those. I think it helps that we were both motivated by trying to make the other person happy? My first attempt at college didn't go well. I know that I didn't have the personal discipline to do it successfully, but there were a few other factors that made it harder to learn that at the time. My parents and sibs relocated to Houston the same year I started, and no one was happy about it. But I did have a relationship with a guy that sounds similar to yours. I remember kinda thinking that we were going to be friends and talk a lot, and that if we both had families that they'd be close. I remember the last time I saw him, as I was leaving to go to move in with my parents after I'd gotten kicked out of school, telling him "I don't know how I'm going to do this without you". He was killed in a car accident 3 weeks later.
I've little wary of new meds, partially due to my not very positive experience with antidepressants. I have used a xanax here and there over the last several months, maybe 3-4 in total, and they have been very helpful. Even just knowing that it's there if I need it can sometimes help me to calm down. I'm going to talk to my therapist and then my doctor and see about some strategies for this. WARNING: POTENTIALLY CONTROVERSIAL STATEMENT ABOUT A DRUG AHEAD Although it isn't always great for anxiety and some varieties can induce some, I have gotten some therapeutic benefit from cannabis. I know that there's been some research into it as a treatment for PTSD, and my personal experiences make me think they're on to something there. There have been several times it allowed me think about some things, highly emotional, often traumatic things that were too much for me to ever think about before. It gave me a much better picture of why I had some of this stuff going on in my life that I just couldn't understand because of the way those things were blocked out of my consideration. Seeing the way that those things were adding has been helpful in reducing some of that old pain from jumping forward to the current.
Yes. I was over-prescribed Xanax (6mg a day, out of nowhere) and it was too much and I had bad withdrawals and was too scared to ever try anxiety medication for 2 years. When my pdoc gently persuaded me to try Kolonopin/ativan at low doses, it's nice because it helps. I don't always use it but like you say, it's nice to know that you have it. RE: the ganja, my mother (I swear, she went from being a born again Christian babbling about demons and the apocalypse when I was a teen and she's a hippy practicing reiki and healing oils now) is a medical marijuana user and had me try it when I was visiting for my grandmother's funeral, and it helped me to be calm and sleep and eat. I heard it was iffy whether it helps you or not, but it helped me. I'm all about it. But, here in TX it is illegal, so I wait until we move where it's legal.
Dear CF, I join with others in sending support and care to you in this difficult time. I am at the beginning stage of separation, over three weeks. So much of the process triggers memories and experiences. Packing and unpacking my life- literally in the move, and emotionally as these items bring back memories. I had traumatic experiences as a youth, which are also surfacing. I am working on breathing, and lots of exercise, and talking with friends. I also keep reminding myself it is all part of the process.
Thanks for your support. It really is a great thing to have, to say "these are some things that are bothering me" and to have even one person say "oh, I get that". It's interesting in that I did know that this would be a tough week, but at the same time it's been easier than almost any week in a very long time. I've packed and unpacked a lot. I might even stay in this apartment another year, unless it's impossible, just so that I have one set of things to pack and unpack. You're doing the right things, I think. Those are things thathave helped me tremendously. Hopefully the right combination of not raining and the ends of this cold allow me to get out for a nice ride this weekend. Was hoping to get 30 miles in. That's a pretty funny packing and unpacking. Last year at this time I was happy to have found a new job that seemed to be less stressful. It has been, actually. My goal for 2014 was to do my first century ride, 100 miles, and to use some of that time to think about how to make our lives better. So, I didn't get that century in last year, so that's on the big board for this one. And my solution for "make our lives better" was divorce...which, although tough will make our lives better. So, goals for 2015. Ride a century, and see about finding one of them "boyfriend" things I hear about. I wonder where that will go?
Hi, Those goals; century ride, boyfriend... One of them is 100% you, 100% in your control that is a good goal. The other item is not fully in your control. Lots of people panning for gold and not finding it. A better goal is promising yourself to do those things which may lead to a bf. You can control that 100%. Just a thought. Are there LGBT bike events? No. Create one. Use your passion to help yourself find a bf. I have a 59 year old gay buddy at work who loves a 30 mile bike/trail ride. You and he are not the only two gay cycling fans in the world.
Regarding the boyfriend goal--I can't tell you how to find one, but can recommend a book about long-term gay male relationships that I'm reading that's really wonderful and offers a lot of stories about guys whose relationships have endured. It tells how they keep the relationships healthy, and also talks about how the couples met. It was a little eerie to have the first couple be two guys who were in straight marriages with kids, who met by chance while one was divorcing and fell instantly in love. Very much the way my guy and I got together, so it gives me great hope as we close in on the first anniversary of our meeting here on EC, and then a few weeks later in person. (Hard to believe the time has flown by so quickly!) Check it out. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/entertainment-media/165951-book-about-long-term-gay-male-couples.html
Oh, definitely. I guess I worded that a little ambiguously. Sure, I'd love to just have the perfect guy just show up, but that's out of my control. I'm actually even just excited about starting the process and going out on a date. If that results in meeting someone amazing soon, then that's great but if not I'll try to have fun anyway. For me as well, I've been doing some thinking for awhile about how to find someone who is a good match for me, and thinking about what personality aspects I like in another person. And then even further, thinking about the things that I most like about myself and what I'd like for another person to like in me. Some of these things will require a little rework on my part, as some of them are buried or involve skills I haven't used in a while. I've got to think that there's a gay cycling group here. I'll have to look around. With all the other stuff I haven't really had time to go see what's available at the LGBT center, but I'm going to check that out too.
I just wanted to say to everyone who has shared so much about what's helped them in these areas. It's great to hear that many of the things that I've been trying and working with have helped you all.
