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Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Sadd, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. Sadd

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    I'm going to be 43 soon. I've known I was gay since I was 4 years old and have never had a boyfriend. I was bullied and beaten in school. I was called fag so many times by the same kids and teachers I can still hear their voices like playing back a mixed tape from high school. I moved 3000 miles from home when I was 20 and remember reading through the gay personals crying. I couldn't free myself. I married a woman at 27 and have been divorced now for five years. Im finally in a place where I am now strong enough to face who I am and can find nothing but rejection. I look at the boys who remind me of the crushes I had when I was in school. Looks that got me punched and thrown to the ground. I look back through time and I feel such sadness. I put pictures and descriptions up on the gay dating sites, and almost no one notices me except men my fathers age. I am a high level executive in a major corporation. I am only 5'8. I graduated at the top of my class from an Ivy League school where I attended on a full academic scholarship. I'm bald. I've trained and mentored hundreds of people into successful careers. I'm lonely. I love the outdoors. I love to surf. I love to travel. I love to spend weekends on my boat in beautiful places. I want to end my life.
     
  2. pinklov3ly

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    What doesn't kill you makes you stronger; those are words to live by. I'm sorry that you're hurting, but you have to try to remain positive, even after everything you have been through.

    I cannot imagine what you have been through growing up, but I have noticed that bullying seems to have a long lasting affect into adulthood, so seeking therapy is a good idea.

    Divorce is something I have no first hand experience with, although my parents just went through it last year after being together for over 20 years. And it makes me sad watching them go through the emotions; however, life isn't easy and it most definitely has its and downs, but tomorrow is a new day and things will get better.

    I used to hate the idea of being who I am, but I learned that it is actually a blessing. I am more accepting, loving and just overall open minded. And to me, you have some amazing qualities, which I am sure many guys would love. So, please stick around, EC is such an amazing site as it's been my saving grace, so please hang in there (*hug*)
     
    #2 pinklov3ly, Jan 18, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 18, 2015
  3. PrairieRachel

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    Yes! Stay please! I could tell you stories, a beautiful woman in a mans body! Lol..rejected by all. Don't fit in with any group..lol..I guess I found myself on the Farm here and my new love, Mother Nature!
     
  4. BiBiBaybee

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    There are many, many resources you may not be aware of, living near a major urban area. I would think that there is at least one LGBT group with regular functions and get-togethers where you could meet some other people like yourself. Also, look for meet-ups in your town. Within a few hundred miles of southern CT where I live, there are at least three places that cater to weekend spiritual retreats for gay men. I also believe there is a "married and gay" support group in Seattle (don't worry, you qualify) where you could have a place to chat with those in a similar situation.
    Stay. Don't hurt yourself. You have a shitload of experience to offer others.
     
  5. looking for me

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    you need to see a therapist, or counselor. do you have an employee assistance program at where you work? it is confidential and you can get some help that i think you really need. i have those voices in the back of my head too, for different reasons, but one voice that over rides them is "don't let the Bastards win" do what you have to, to beat them back and move forward. like a friend of mine says, "Ever Forward"(*hug*) and for the record, you sound great and i would date you, but we're in different countries and on opposite sides of the continent, you sound like a great guy to get to know.
     
  6. CyclingFan

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    Have you looked into any gay groups in the area? Not just support groups, but social groups?

    I do hope you are working with a therapist. Please do come back and talk to people here too. It's been helpful for me.
     
  7. arturoenrico

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    Hey Sadd,

    I understand completely what you're going through as frequently I'm in the state of mind you describe. Suicide is always in the back of my mind but I won't do it because I have two kids. It's funny that I have stopped visiting EC for months and logged on today to see your post. It resonated with me a lot. I have been trying to rebuild my life over the last 2 1/2 years since I came out to my wife and I have made little progress. I've gone to many support groups, which I usually like, but it seems to me the vast number of guys who have come out to their wives feel liberated, excited, happy, etc. I have stopped talking about my negative experiences because I think it turns people off but honestly, I'm not having fun yet.I hope there are some support groups near where you live, they can help. Take care.

    arturoenrico

    ---------- Post added 18th Jan 2015 at 10:43 AM ----------

    And yeah, the loneliness, eating dinner alone most nights, is a real killer. I try to stay as busy as possible, The worst for me is being home alone, especially for the long nights or weekends.
     
  8. bingostring

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    I am pretty sure everyone here understands your post. Completely.

    When the brain's hard wiring gets fu**ed up by homophobic surroundings aged 4 and up then it can be a wrench to re-programme things. You find yourself at 43 wanting to be doing what you should have been doing in your teens. You're older. The teenagers look past you. Your self-esteem hits the tubes.

    There are ways forward. You sound like a complete catch to me. Perhaps it is you that needs to make a shift. To accept the physical changes, and accept that your partner might also have to come from your own age group.. and maybe he is a bit bald too !! Love comes in all shapes and sizes - and he doesn't have to be your father's age.

    You haven't mentioned whether you ever addressed these things in counselling or therapy - I think therapy would really help move things on for you. Especially if depression is also in there too.

    Look what has happened, after all. You have achieved a lot in life. You have got out of the marriage. You have cleared the decks. You know who you are and what you want. Right now the only thing that is stopping you - is yourself (*hug*).
     
  9. BlueSky224

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    Sadd,

    I'm glad that you reached out to us here.

    I'm shorter than you are, and also an Ivy Leaguer. Seattle is tough (I used to live near there,) and it's especially tough in January. The "Seattle Freeze" mentality can make it hard to make friends, and online dating sites can be brutal.

    But there is so much hope for you. I think that it would be great if you could meet some gay friends; not necessarily to date, but just to befriend. It might help you feel less alone.

    Feeling suicidal is something that I understand first hand, as have many of us here. It is very much a sign that it's time to seek professional help.

    I'd like for you to do this right away; it is worth making a phone call. You can certainly try one of the gay-friendly medical practices (there is one in Capital Hill), or any of the many gay-friendly therapists. There are hundreds of caring primary care providers, psychologists, psychiatrists, psychiatric mental health nurse practitioners in Seattle. If the first one you try doesn't seem helpful, try another.

    As much as you are struggling, there is every reason to know that you are going to feel better, and feel better soon.

    You took a huge leap by telling us on this board about your feelings. Now please take another leap and get in to see someone this week.

    Please know that all of us around the world can identify with you, and care very much about you.
     
  10. bingostring

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    ^^^^ this is definitely good advice!! ^^^^^^
     
  11. bi2me

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    Thinking about you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. You are not alone even though it may feel like it.
     
  12. Weston

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    I am a member of this group. I believe that for some reason we are not allowed to post links here, but if you google "Seattle," "Gay," "Dads," you should find it easily enough. Meetings are every Thursday evening. You don't need to be a dad or married (but it helps to be gay or bi :lol:slight_smile:. It is a very supportive and stress free environment, and topics of all kinds are discussed. Some members continue to attend years after their own particular issues are resolved so they can offer newbies the benefit of their experience. You will be welcomed warmly.
     
  13. skiff

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    Hi Sadd,

    You are not alone on dating sites. Many people have no success there. Ok, it ain't you maybe, most probably them. :slight_smile:

    Age... As an executive you know age matters little with a mature, thinking adult. Both immaturity, and a retiremenent mindset can be problematic. Same thing in dating.

    I was once like you. I thought of younger men as not an alternative. I was wrong. Plain and simple. Having a straight 36 year old friend opened my eyes. We clicked. I learned a lot there. Nothing sexual but a great lesson.

    We are a tiny demographic. Some of ours are so sex driven it spoils many venues for all of us. We need to be open minded about all things.

    Hey, I just went on a date with a 44 year old. Total pig. A kid in a candy shop and I was the candy. I cannot tell you how unattractive it is to get attention you do not want. It wasn't his age, he was a pig and hid it well in text messages. If I judged all 44 year olds by him... But I don't.

    Tom
     
  14. quebec

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    Sadd Wow....you sure got a response. That's what EC is like....we'll do our best to be there for you. I think the advice Weston had for you was good since he is also in Seattle. End your life....? No way, what about that guy there in Seattle that's your perfect match, the guy that's looking so hard for someone to be with that he cries when he goes to bed at night...the guy that you just haven't met yet. What about him? Give him a chance too, go look for him...I'm sure that he is looking for you! Welcome to EC!!
     
  15. Sadd

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    Thank you everyone for the kind words and responses. I am not a complainer in any way and posting here is very hard. I just can't understand what is so wrong with me. I've convinced myself now after so many years that my burden to carry in life is loneliness. i feel so angry sometimes that God would send me here to be so isolated. To want to be loved and to only find rejection. I struggle with the very idea that there could even be a god that could be capable of such cruelty. I didnt mean to make it seem that I want to have relationships with young guys, only that I see in them all the things I missed. All the love and connection that could have been. I see myself as being incapable of being loved and I can't reconcile that with who I believe myself to be. I can't believe that after such a hard struggle in a straight world, that I find the same rejection in the gay world and that stings so much more. I don't want to be alone. I don't want to feel that I'm not good enough for someone to love. I don't want to be rejected anymore. I don't want to put myself out there anymore. I have no where to go. I don't want to die and I don't want to live. I breath. I eat. I sleep. I'm kind and patient and try to laugh but in truth I want to go to sleep and not wake up again.
     
  16. BlueSky224

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    Sadd,
    Your post says rather unequivocally, "this guy is depressed." So many of us have gone through it. And we all understand what it means to feel like you do.

    You have expressed some of the big signs of depression: feeling worthless, unexplained guilt, hopelessness, and a loss of pleasure in life. This is treatable. You don't have to feel this way!

    You mentioned the remorse that you hadn't been with younger guys. I've felt this too... especially when I hear about guys who hooked up when they were 15 or something like that. But I've learned that I didn't miss much.

    Guys our age (which is YOUNG), can be more experienced and mature... and just as attractive. I once expressed my jealousy to a friend who had boyfriends in high school. "It was pretty awful," he explained.

    I stand by strongest encouragement for you to get professional treatment for depression. Maybe that's talking to someone, medication, or both. I know how scary that sounds, but think of depression like asthma. If you had asthma, and you were having an asthma attack... wheezing, hacking, turning blue... you'd want to get help, right? So think of this as a loneliness attack. You're feeling depressed, and it's bad enough that you think about dying. So that means it's time to get help. You'll feel better, as frightening as it is to seek care.

    We'll help you every step of the way.
     
  17. skiff

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    Hi Sadd,

    How out are you?

    My experience is closeted relationships do not last. It also makes finding a partner exponentially more difficult.

    Tom
     
  18. skiff

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    Hi,

    You wrote "I am only 5'8""... Not sure if you are down on your height but some guys prefer shorter men. I personally would not pursue a 6'4" guy unless chemistry bowled me over.

    Those younger guys may be related to arressted development of your gay identity. Some peofessionals state that when you enter the closet, put on a straight identity (an act) your true gay idenitity becomes stunted and only begins to grow again when you leave the closet. So yes, initially you could be drawn to men who are younger upon leaving the closet. It changes quickly.

    Personally I would prefer a guy my age, but in my area, in my experience, these men only want sex and do not want a relationship. Since I want to share my life I expanded the age of my dating pool.

    5'8"... Hot. Don't be down on that.

    Tom
     
  19. bingostring

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    ^^ i think this is a good point ^^

    Sometimes depression just creeps up around you so slowly and quietly you do not realise it is even there.
     
  20. nerdbrain

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    Hi Sadd,

    It sucks to feel the way that you do. I know that many people here can relate to your profound frustration with life's unfairness.

    But you're a successful executive so you know a few things about the world. You know that ultimately you are responsible for your own fate, no matter what a shitty hand you may have been dealt.

    So there are a few things you can do, most of which have been mentioned in the posts above:

    1. Acknowledge that you are in pain. You are hurting, but consider that you as a human are more than just the sum of your feelings, and that you still have power and autonomy in your life.

    2. Treat your depression. This should include therapy, and possibly medication. You need help and an outside perspective.

    3. Explore your identity. It sounds like you understand that you are gay but have some real issues with embracing it. Again, therapy can be helpful here. But also, what you're doing here on EC, following gay publications, reading some gay literature, etc.

    4. Manage your expectations. You're not going to suddenly go from an isolated existence to having a love relationship. It's going to be a gradual process, like most other things in life.

    5. Start building a social circle. You're in a liberal, metropolitan area. Take advantage of it. Go to gay meetups or groups and events. Meet and talk to real humans, not just online profiles. Make some friends who have shared interests. Don't worry about the romance for now.

    6. Don't place arbitrary limits on yourself. There are men who are 5'8" and bald and happy, and men who are 6'1" and well-coiffed and miserable. Yes, looks are a factor, but they don't define the outcome.
     
    #20 nerdbrain, Jan 19, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2015