At the beginning of last year, at 41 (now I'm 42) I came out to everyone in my life. It was really hard because I'd been with a man for 13yrs and had 3 adult daughters and it turned my world upside down. I found a facebook group for the butch/femme community and started reaching out to my community for the first time. I found it very difficult because although I knew what I wanted, it seemed because I had only made out with a couple of women in my early 20's and not had full blown sex, a lot of women would not take me serious. I started talking to someone long distance, and due to bad weather & money/passport issues we never did meet. I live in a small community, there's not much of a lgbt community here, and I do not know how to start dating at 42?! I'm afraid of being rejected because I do not have the 'experience' that most women do at this age, and I do not know how to go about dating? I want to get out there, I want to meet a nice woman and I want to start living a life that is truly mine.... I just do not know how to go about it when I'm in a small area and know no one. Any advice? I feel soo lost. Thank you. :help:
That is everything that I am worried about myself! I hope somebody has some answers because I'm curious too. Sorry your situation is so sucky right now (*hug*). There's so many of us late bloomers, there has got to be others out there who would understand and take you seriously, as you would take them too. Question is where? I'd like to know too.
Yeah the whole dating thing is scary for me as well. I have never done that with men (although I REALLY want to). But being 40 and trying to date guys who have been out all their lives is intimidating!
My my could I tell you stories! Being a woman trapped in a 59 year old male body and a lesbian to boot! Lol.. If you think no one takes you serious try it in my high heels! Lol Welcome..friend here if you want one
Thank you everyone for your responses, it's nice to know that I'm not alone, but sad as well. It's a very isolating feeling to not know where to go or where to turn I hope that we can all find answers, and find our way
Thanks for your post. It does seem a bit daunting to feel like everyone's ahead of you in this particular aspect of life -- but you'll find a good person who's attracted to you because of who you are and where you are in life. It's natural to feel overwhelmed ... are there any dating apps out there that you'd feel comfortable using? Maybe that's one way to start.
I have no idea what dating apps there are? lol, I'm pretty clueless! I heard something on the radio about ******, but when I said something to my daughter she said "mom, that's for men!" Are there any that are 'reputable' than the other? I think at this point, I am willing to consider looking into them.
I think an online search for those dating apps with appropriate key words would locate what you're looking for! Have daughter help.
I will ask her Kinda weird hahaha, she is half my age and I've spent more time talking to her and getting advice from her than the other way around. I am soo grateful to have this site and my daughter!
Hey lyngleo as I just posted in another post my mom and I have become BFF and share everything, as weird as it is even relationships/sex problems and I don't know what I' do without her. Friendship between mother and daughter in adulthood is the best thing ever! I'd say roll with it I myself have been thinking I may try dating apps myself when the time is ready. I have read that it's best not to get too involved before actually meeting and as soon as possible meeting up for a coffee date to see if the spark is actually there so you don't get attached to the idea of the person, then whomp whomp when you actually meet them. So that's a thing.
Roses, I'm glad that you and your mom have each other as well. Of all three of my daughters, I have to say that this one daughter and I have always been a lil bit closer lol. I agree with the meet up quickly aspect of online dating. I met a woman on a Fb group and we talked for 9 months... she lived in Canada and I just 6 hours away in the US, but between getting a passport, life and now winter setting in and not being able to get to her, it just fell apart. It's hard to talk to someone, bond with someone and get to know someone for 9 long months just to have to let go because of location. For me that is the hardest part of all of this, I am ready to date, to get out there and be who I really truly am, but where I live is small, semi rural, and there's just not a lot to offer the lgbt community.
I'm currently sowing my oats, so to speak. Not looking for anything serious, only separated last November. So, my particular needs from an app, may not fit for you. You may have to find the nearest city to get into a dating app that will have anyone close to you. One dating app, I am using has to do with the little fellow who shoots the arrow, OK? I've not met anyone on in real life from it yet, but I've met both nice men and women, of various ages (18-59.) Some of the guys are down right disgusting when it comes to wanting to "date." Most seem like they want a quick hookup. The women who are contacting me that are close to me seem genuine. The men and women who aren't close to me seem like they're a scam. The gay/bi male hookup site I use is providing with me more than my share of "hits." Some of them have severe daddy issues, and I stay away from them (mostly not into what they want me to do.) I've meet a couple of nice guys who I'm becoming friends first with. I've had 3 hookups so far, all nice, NSA men (19-47.) They want to come back for 2nds, so I guess I'm not totally hideous or inept. It does feel intimidating to be with someone with experience, but it also felt that way with the 19 yo, and when I was 19 the first time I was with a girl. Just had to swallow that particular fear, and try to relax.
Thank you for the insight I keep trying to tell myself that this is just like getting started when I was young lol... except this feels more right than anything I've ever done I think! Hearing that you are having luck gives me hope, I've felt soo desperate that starting over at 42 and being out would be impossible! Thank you
You are very welcome my dear lady. Very cute by the way, I don't think you'll have any problems meeting people. Just be careful, set boundaries and expectations early, both for yourself and for who you want to meet, how you want to meet, etc. Some people will assume you will get into a three way, just because you like guys and gals (and not the stage show... wacka wacka) You need to be careful to weed out creeps just like anyone else. Oh, I was wrong about the site I liked for dating, care for me to make you a frozen strawberry daiquiri, just need to add ice to the ____ wink... Anyway, it's not like being young though, well not for me. I was an introverted, anti-social, geeky twig of a nerd. (Though people now say I was pretty darn cute and doable when I was a teenager, where were they then...) Now, I'm confident, and willing to get shot down a lot. I don't fear rejection, because it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. I have to watch myself because I can turn a phrase, and read people online while chatting. Considering back in the day, a long distance relationship usually meant hand-written mail. Being romantic with the english language actually comes easy. Speaking in person, whole other story. I do my best not to play with anyone, as far as expecting anything to come from casual text conversations. Also, that I'm not looking for a long term relationship right now. Boundary #1 for the moment. Not that I don't want feelings, caring, and friendship with someone, and even to be intimate with said person. I just cant commit to anything long term, even promise that I could at some point, nor if I could stay monogamous. Still exploring the whole freedom of choice thing. (Yes, one of my favorite Devo songs.)
Thank you for the compliment kindy14, I have no problem setting boundaries lol... have that one down! I am not interested in threesomes and have already had to explain that to friends who "assumed" I would be just having all sorts of partners lol. At this point in my life, I have no interest in being with men anymore, but because I have been with men until last year, I feel it is wrong to not say I am bisexual, does that make sense?
I was in a relationship — a very happy relationship — with a woman for almost thirty years, but I would never have, nor do I now, describe myself as anything other than "gay."
We are the same age, and I've only been with one guy, and that in the fall. I struggled with that label a little too, but once I really went ahead and realized that I could really only see myself with guys, I really embraced the gay label. And that has really seemed to fit. But, sometimes I do wonder, "who knows?" And really that's ok too. A few of us went to go see Basic Instinct when it came out, including one guy who said, "I've known I was gay forever, had my first kiss with a guy at 13 and if Sharon Stone showed up right now I'd be very interested in some experimenting." Damn, he was cute. Lol
Hey Thelyingleo. Welcome to the LGBT community. It's good that you understand what you want, and it's never to late. I know tons of lesbians (including myself) that have dated bisexuals with little experience with women. I mean, where I come from (NYC) it's usually not an issue. Of course, there are some lesbians out there looking for marriage who think that bisexuals might leave them for a man and are insecure about that (and that's their issue).
No offense meant here....... I find it bizarre that people think dating "just happens" and it's like something lost, that they have to find.......like car keys or the TV remote. Dating is what happens after two people have met and have decided that they want to see if they are romantically adaptable to each other. What people DON'T get, is that you have to be FRIENDS before you can be anything else! This is why dates don't last, relationships fail, and even friendships end, all because you have not taken the time to become friends! And I'm using the term "friends" here as an alternative to the old fashioned term "courtship", but I am meaning the same thing. You can have instant TV, you can have instant potatoes, you can have instant desserts. You CANNOT however have instant love, instant dating, or instant friendship. Does it happen? Yes, it does, but it is exclusively an extremely rare thing. You plant a seed to grow a plant. Does that seed instantaneously sprout up and grown into a full grown plant in a few hours or days? No. It takes months and even years to grow into something wonderful. Relationships between people are the same. You have to be friends first (planting the seed). Without a basic friendship, nothing else will work out. How do you get to be friends? Well, if you are interested in each other, you take time to get to know each other. You go out to eat, go shopping, go walking, sit in the park and talk, or whatever. You get to know each other. This INCLUDES bad tempers, things you hate, and even showing your attitudes. Not all of this will happen in any give time limit, but the point is, don't hide yourself. If the other person is worthy of your time, then they won't be scared off by some reality from you. Get to know someone before you take the next step into dating. As for getting to know people. Well, there are all sorts of things you can look into. Maybe take a class at a college that has a lesbian or LGBT group of some type. Maybe theres a book club for LGBT people around you that you aren't aware of (for example). There are gay cruises, gay vacation packages, and other things like that you can check out. If you are near a city, look up that cities LGBT organizations and see if there is anything going on near you. There's always something..........you just have to find it.
