Anyone ever gone back into denial?

Hi,

Did you ever take the final step; walk the talk?

Very freeing.

 

Yes. For me it was fear. All the fear that had kept me denial/the closet in the first place.

 

Another YES. For me it was guilt and shame. I thought I could split what I did from who I am. But not any more. I am not out to everyone, but I am out to some people. And most importantly, I am out to myself and not going back.

 

I have that same feeling, quebec, that my skin fits better since coming to EC. Who knows, maybe that is part of the path to coming out to everyone! I used to pray for a miracle to stop being gay. But now I'll pray for that miracle that will allow us to come out to everyone important in our lives. Today is Saint Sebastian day, and if you have ever seen any of the art portraying him, it is pretty homoerotic. Maybe he can intercede for us?

 

I had a girlfriend for a short time when I was 23, it was awkward and stressful at the time, i lived in a rural farming area where it was not accepted and had seen many beaten as a result of being 'out' in public. One of my brothers really let me have it, saying that i was going to cause my children (I had 3 small children) a lot of heart ache and embarrassment growing up in that town, being known as the girls with the gay mommy. I was told soo many things that I felt like I was being a terrible mother, because I had a choice to be with a man. I put myself back into that closet and closed the door. For me, honestly, it took getting cancer in 2007 & 2009, both stage 4, and nearly dying for me to realize that I made a mistake. It has taken me this long to finally get it together and do something about my feelings of regret, my hatred of the closet, and trust that this is meant to be. I have been in remission 5 years, and last year was the year of a million changes for me, while it's been painful, I wouldn't change it for the world! I know that if/when my cancer comes back, THIS will not be a regret, I will not have unfinished business here.

 

I thought I might be bi in high school, but let all those feeling die as I got more serious with my (now) husband. Took an epiphany this summer to come back to myself.

 

I know who I am; so does my wife. There is no "going back" to denying reality; there is no point in it either.

 

That is the key. When others know no going back.

 

Oh gosh, the thoughts have been going through my head today to just stop with this, to just go back to saying, ah I must just be bisexual and can't ever do anything with a man because of trauma, so who says I will ever have a sull sexual relationship with women because of trauma even if I am a lesbian, and since I'm this messed up, there will be such a little chance that I will find anyone who will love me in all my dysfunctional glory as my husband does, so why don't I just forget about this whole sexual identity thing, just completely quit, and stop talking about divorce, and nothing needs to change, and the kids will be in one home, and my husband won't be left alone, and I won't be left alone either after being rejected and rejected because what lesbian is going to want me with all my baggage anyways so I could probably end up in a marriage as sexless and unromantic as this one is or alone anyways.

 

Sorry to hear that things are so tough Roses and Damien!(*hug*)

FWIW, you have our support!

 

I wouldn't exactly say I'm in denial since I believe i truly know who I am but I suffer with a complete lack of self-acceptance and willingness to go forward. It is a mixture of shame, fear, and confusion. It's really just being in a non-ending state of limbo; I don't feel like i fit anywhere, not with my old married, heterosexual suburban crowd or with the numerous gay groups I participate in; gay married men, gay/bi dads of New York, gay men's opera club, coming out group, 2 different gay men;s psychotherapy groups etc. As a result of all of this I baked brownies tonight.

 

I had a lot of these same feelings Roses, and that is what took me a whole 5 years after cancer to finally get myself together. I realized that even though it COULD be as you said, it could ALSO be amazing! We are not the only ones with baggage, we're not the only ones stuff... and our ex's aren't the only ones capable of accepting & loving us. We have to want more for ourselves, and love ourselves enough to live our lives to the fullest.

 

I could have written all of this, including the part about thinking losing my "gay virginity" will never happen. (Except substitute women for men.)

I have conversations with my therapist that go like this:

Me: I did something really stupid and put an ad up on a dating site looking for women.
Her: Well you have often told me you are attracted to women.
Me: When?
Her: Just now. You just told me you put an ad up looking for women.
Me: But that doesn't mean I'm really really attracted to women. I've never even been with a woman, what if I'm not?

Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Flip the relevant genders around, and ive had exactly all those thoughts and fears, roses.

---------- Post added 20th Jan 2015 at 09:07 PM ----------

Hmmm...could you fax me one of those brownies?

 

I can scan and email

 

I can relate to your situation. Being an odd person is just making it harder, because coming out would make you more strange to others. I struggled a lot with accepting my attraction to the same sex, and once I accepted that I'm bi, I found some kind of relief.

Here's an excerpt from my very first post, hopefully it can highlight some things:

If you want, you can read my post, I asked almost the same questions as you about pretending to be someone else.
http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-advice/156269-introduction-seeking-advice.html